


Worthy Of Punishment

by messedupstargazer



Series: Rae's Whumptober 2019 [11]
Category: Lucifer (TV)
Genre: Big Brother Amenadiel (Lucifer TV), But I Think He Truly Does Love His Son, Caring Chloe Decker, Don't copy to another site, Even If He's Such A Bad Parent, Gen, God's A+ Parenting, Good Friend Dan Espinoza, Hurt Lucifer, I'm Bad At Summaries, I'm Bad At Tagging, I'm Bad At Titles, I'm Pretty Much Just Bad At Writing, Injury Recovery, Insecure Lucifer, Lucifer Morningstar (Lucifer TV) Whump, Main Characters for Season Two, Please Be careful, Recovery, Season/Series 02, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Suicide Attempt, What Have I Done, no beta we die like men
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-24
Updated: 2020-06-16
Packaged: 2021-01-02 01:10:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 13
Words: 44,454
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21153110
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/messedupstargazer/pseuds/messedupstargazer
Summary: Whumptober Prompt #23 Bleeding Out and #29 NumbDying takes too long.  Having died before, Lucifer remembered bleeding out on the cold hard ground but he had only been shot in the stomach.  Now Azrael’s blade had torn up his skin, and the blood wasn’t flowing fast enough anymore.  He had had enough strength to hide the blade where humans wouldn’t find it but his brother or mother would, before he had collapsed behind the bar, savoring his last drink.  Time now felt so strange, almost like it was slowing down





	1. Sharp Knife of an Eternal Life

**Author's Note:**

> tw: suicide warning- if this stuff triggers you, please keep yourself safe. I try not to be too graphic but I'm not taking any risks here.

Dying takes too long. Having died before, Lucifer remembered bleeding out on the cold hard ground but he had only been shot in the stomach. Now Azrael’s blade had torn up his skin, and the blood wasn’t flowing fast enough anymore. He had had enough strength to hide the blade where humans wouldn’t find it but his brother or mother would, before he had collapsed behind the bar, savoring his last drink. Time now felt so strange, almost like it was slowing down, but he knew Amenadiel wasn’t causing this. He had thought for a moment that one of his other siblings had come but he had already slit his own wrists so there would be no need for them to get involved. Revenge couldn’t be any sweeter than the knowledge that the great Devil himself, Lucifer Morningstar, has finally had the guts to punish the one person truly worthy of it. The Apple, the rebellion, Hell, Uriel, it had all added up. He was the only constant. It had all been his fault. Now the murderer, the rebel, the lost and scared little boy who had always desired far more than he was worth, was going to be erased from existence. Maze, Chloe, the spawn, Doctor Linda, even Dan, they would have to learn how to live without him. Not that that was hard, really, Dad had always said that Lucifer had more talent making messes than cleaning them. He thought he could prove his father was wrong about him. But He isn’t called the All-Knowing, All-Powerful Almighty for nothing, Lucifer supposed. Why did he have to take so long to die? Pain had faded a little while ago, now it was just a matter of waiting. Waiting for this stupid humanesque form to finally bleed out and for the final punishment to end his damn bloody life.

The elevator dinged.

At least, he could’ve sworn he heard it do so. He wanted to look over and see but he found he didn’t have the strength. He apparently had lost the strength to open his eyes as well, he wasn’t sure when they had closed but they weren’t opening any time soon.

“Hey Lucifer, I have to go over some paperwork with you.” It couldn’t be. Anyone. Anyone else. His mother, Amenadiel, _Maze_ for bloody’s sake, but not _him_!

Dan walked around, Lucifer could hear his footsteps, and the barest hint of guilt settled into his stomach. He may not have been the biggest fan of Detective Douche but he didn’t want the man to be the one to find him, slumped against the side of the bar in the dim light, bourbon glass that once held his last drink, blood staining his Prada. They were just starting to develop a small rapport together. After Dan fought off Azrael’s blade, Lucifer realized there was more to the human than he had first seen. Dan had been so happy the last time he’d seen him. But of course, Lucifer couldn’t even get his death right. Always had to screw something up.

Dan’s step faltered. “Damn it. Lucifer! Wake up! How can you own a bar and pass out after, like, one drink?” He was walking towards the bar, instead of back to the elevator.

Dan must’ve rolled him over because he moved, but he couldn’t feel Dan’s touch.

“Oh god!” Dan shouted, and if Lucifer were more lucid he might’ve said the detective sounded scared, even terrified. The sound of removing clothing filled the air and then something pushed into his wounds and he felt the tiniest bit of pain. That made no sense, the pain should’ve left him by now.

Detective Espinoza yelled into his radio, calling for an ambulance to Lux.

“Hold on, Lucifer, please, hold on.”

Now _that_ was an idea! Why didn’t he just let go? Should’ve done it ages ago. He gazed into the abyss, and _jumped_.

* * *

Dan sighed. He had no idea how he was supposed to tell Chloe. They had gotten so close since Lucifer had first crashed into Chloe’s life. Dan had been jealous, he’ll admit, anyone would be if someone like Lucifer crashed into their ex-wife’s life. Especially since Dan still had feelings for Chloe, but he never would’ve suspected Lucifer would do something like this.

_“I know you’re out there, Mister Sniper. Shoot me!”_

Lucifer’s words had been ringing in his head on a loop. It had been a few weeks since Lucifer’s unbelievably stupid attempt at drawing out the killer in that case but now it felt like yesterday. Dan paced around the hospital waiting room. He had ridden in with the ambulance, using his badge to get in, as they tried to stabilize Lucifer, unfortunately, he hadn’t been able to answer many of their questions. He knew Amenadiel could do a better job but he hadn’t arrived yet. Dan had just been pacing, not calling Chloe, going over every interaction with Lucifer recently in his head. The scars on his back, the trying to put a hit out on himself, admitting he hurt the people he loved most, the… the suicide attempt. Stepping out in front of a murderous sniper. He had just thought Lucifer was acting out, or just plain crazy. He never would’ve guessed Lucifer was actively suicidal, not after the conversation they had. All he had was flashes of it, he wasn’t sure why, but he knew he and Lucifer had squared a lot of their problems away. He wondered how a man like that could go from character development to attempting to take his own life.

Biting the bullet, he dialed Chloe.

“Dan, what’s going on?” Chloe’s voice was tinted with sleep. “Another case? Did they find the weapon?”

“Chloe, there’s been… you need to get to Good Samaritan.” Dan said. “It’s Lucifer.”

“What happened?” Chloe asked, and he could hear her racing around the room, probably putting on shoes. “Trixie’s asleep, I don’t want to leave her alone.”

“I went up to Lux for his statement after the case.” Dan said. “So he could corroborate the self-defense story? I found him passed out… Chlo, his arms were all cut up. He tried to kill himself.”

A shocked cry sounded over the phone. “I’ll call Trixie’s sitter. I’ll tell her it’s a family emergency. I’ll be there as soon as I can. Call Maze. Do you have Amenadiel’s number?”

“I already called him.” Dan said. “He’s on his way now.”

“Okay.” Chloe said. “Call me the instant you get news.”

“I will,” Dan said, seeing the familiar face but with a terrified look he’d never seen on Amenadiel. It was so unsettling, made Lucifer’s suicide attempt seem so much more real. “Amenadiel’s here. See you soon.”

“Dan!” Amenadiel ran to him. “Where is he?”

“In surgery.” Dan said.

Amenadiel went to burst through the hospital doors but Dan just barely managed to hold him back.

“They won’t let you back there.”

“I need to see him!” Amenadiel said, his voice sounding as terrified as Dan felt.

“Let the doctors do their jobs.” Dan said. “I wanna see him too, but if we go in there, we’ll just distract them from saving his life.”

Amenadiel deflated, and let Dan lead him back to the waiting room secretary.

“There is something you can do, though.” Dan said, handing Amenadiel the same medical chart Dan was given before Lucifer’s surgery. “Medical history. They need it.”

Amenadiel stared at it. “I don’t know the answer to these.”

“You don’t?” Dan asked.

Amenadiel shook his head. “No. Many of these conditions, he’s never had before but, he’s never been this… sick before.”

Dan understood Amenadiel’s hesitation. He couldn’t imagine it if a family member of his tried to commit suicide.

“Has he been acting unusual lately?” Dan asked. “Out of his normal character?”

Amenadiel thought for a while, as if carefully forming words. “Our brother, Uriel, died. Lucifer blames himself. I wasn’t there, I don’t know the full story.”

“Oh my God, man, I’m so sorry.” Dan pulled Amenadiel into a hug. He knew Amenadiel wasn’t the biggest fan of physical touch but he figured the man could use a hug after losing one brother and being so terrified of losing another one.

Amenadiel surprised him by hugging back. They stayed like that for a while.

“Chloe is going to be here as soon as she can.” Dan whispered as Amenadiel finally pulled back. “I was about to call Maze.”

Amenadiel nodded, and slumped into a waiting room chair.

Dan took that as his cue and called Maze.

“‘Sup, Douche?” Maze laughed, she sounded like she was outside. “Got anything for a bounty hunter?”

“Maze, do you know the hospital Good Samaritan?” Dan said.

“Uh, no.” Maze said, her entire tone changing to defensive. “Why would I need to?”

“Get directions and get over here.” Dan said. “It’s Lucifer.”

Maze laughed. “Lucifer, in a hospital? That’s a good one.”

“Maze.” Dan said, and Maze stopped laughing. “They think he tried to kill himself.”

“He can’t.” Maze said. “There’s no way he can.”

“I found him, Maze.” Dan said, the memory hitting him like a freight train. He tried to choke back tears. “You gotta get here now.”

“I’m on my way.”

Dan put his phone back in his pocket, finding that Amenadiel had gone back to staring at the hospital forms. Dan sat next to him, seeing that Amenadiel had answered at least some of the questions. It wasn’t much, but it was a start.

Chloe arrived about forty minutes, followed quickly by Ella, who Chloe must’ve called on the way.

“How is he?” Chloe asked, running to them.

“In surgery.” Dan replied, giving the same answer he’d been given for the last hour. “They’ll let us know when he’s out.”

“Did they tell you if he was gonna make it?” Ella asked, looking almost like a frightened child. In that moment, he was reminded of Trixie, safe at home in bed, blissfully unaware of the tragedy her family was dealing with.

“They said the outcome looked good but he lost a lot of blood by the time I found him.” Dan replied, and Chloe burst into tears. Dan pulled her into a hug, which Ella soon joined in.

“Where’s Maze?” Chloe said, getting ahold of herself.

“On her way.” Dan said.

Chloe nodded. “I’m going to get us some coffee.”

“I’ll go with you.” Dan said. “Ella, this is Amenadiel, Lucifer’s brother. Amenadiel, this is Ella, she works with us.”

Ella then proceeded to slam Amenadiel into a hug.

“He’ll be okay.” She whispered, though they all heard her. “I’m sorry we had to meet like this, I love your brother, and there’s no way he’s not coming back from this. I won’t let this be a part of the Big Guy’s plan.”

Amenadiel looked at Ella in surprise, and gently ran his fingers over her rosary.

“I don’t think it’s part of His plan, either.” Amenadiel said, as if on the verge of tears.

Dan and Chloe took that as their cue. As they were filling up the five coffee cups, Dan finally spoke.

“His brother died.”

“What?” Chloe asked, wiping away at silent tears.

“Amenadiel told me their brother died, and Lucifer thinks it’s his fault.” Dan said. “That’s why he’s been crazier than usual. I don’t know what happened, but Lucifer thinks that his brother’s death was his fault. And it’s killing him.”

Chloe turned to him in shock, nearly spilling hot coffee all over herself. “I told him to talk to someone. I knew something was wrong but I didn’t want to push him. And now, he’s, he’s-”

Chloe burst into tears all over again. Dan went to hug her again but she pushed him away.

“We have to be strong for him.” Chloe said, trying to stem the flow of tears. “We can’t be breaking down every two seconds.”

Dan nodded, and together they carried up the five coffees. Maze was there by the time they returned, trying to threaten the hospital staff with her knives.

“Either you let me see him or I’m going to prove to you what Hell’s number one demon can do to a human!” Maze shouted.

“Maze! Maze!” Dan shouted right back. “Let these people do their jobs. Right now that’s all we can do.”

With one last nonverbal threat, Maze plopped down next to Amenadiel. He barely noticed her presence.

After an agonizing three hours, a doctor in scrubs finally called out, “Family of… Lucifer Morningstar?”

They all jumped up, as if racing each other to the news.

“We’re his family.” Amenadiel said. “I’m his brother.”

The doctor cocked an eyebrow but said nothing about it.

“Well, Mr. Morningstar, your brother is going to make it.” Dan saw Amenadiel flinch at the name but they all sighed in relief when they heard the good news. “He did lose a lot of blood, but we were able to repair the damage and gave him some transfusions. He’s very lucky, we were losing him for a while but, somehow, he pulled through. It was practically a miracle.” Again, Dan saw Amenadiel flinch. “It’ll be a long road to recovery, and he’ll have to stay here until a psychologist clears him, but in time, his physical wounds will heal.”

“Thank you, Doctor.” Amenadiel said, ever the polite brother. “May we see him?”

“I’m afraid it’ll be family only, at the moment.” The doctor said. “He’s still under anesthesia, so don’t be surprised if he doesn’t recognize you, if he wakes up at all.”

“They’re his family too.” Amenadiel lied, surprising everyone though they tried to not let it show. “Our Father created them as well.”

The doctor nodded, as if something had been made clear. Probably thinking that either they were half-siblings or adopted.

“Then I’ll have to limit it to three.” The doctor replied. “Normally it would be two, but I see how close your family is.”

Maze and Amenadiel automatically stepped forward.

“Go, Dan.” Chloe said, gently nudging him forward.

“Chlo.” Dan breathes, shocked. He knew she was much closer to Lucifer than he was.

“Dan, you’re the one who found him.” Chloe whispered. “You need to see he’s alive more than I do.”

“I’ll trade places with you soon.” Dan kisses the side of Chloe’s head, trying to appear brotherly. Chloe squeezed him lightly in return.

“You found your brother?” The doctor asked.

“I was the one who found him, yeah.” Dan replied, trying to not give the whole thing away while answering honestly.

“Did you find the weapon he used next to him?” The doctor asked, trying to be gentle. “We couldn’t figure it out. It was a very unusual wound.”

Dan shook his head. “No. Only thing I found was a glass that used to contain bourbon.”

The doctor nodded. Then, he should really get her name, she led them down the corridors to Lucifer’s room. “Be very quiet and don’t try to wake him. Just let him wake up on his own.”

Dan nodded for all three of them.

Lucifer slept on, completely unaware of them entering his room, but a flood of relief surged through Dan’s veins. After seeing Lucifer so pale, so still, so lifeless, seeing him breathe under his own power made Dan’s knees weak with relief. He was wearing a nasal canula, as many patients often do, but he didn’t have a ventilator. Dan thought it the best he’s ever seen Lucifer. He was still pale, still very still, his eyeliner still smudged, but his chest was moving up and down, his heart was beating, and that was all that mattered to Dan.

“Bastard.” Maze muttered, tightening her grip on a knife she’d snuck in. “How dare you?”

“Mazikeen.” Amenadiel snapped. “That is not helping.”

“How dare he?” Maze whirled on Amenadiel. “He doesn’t get to run away like this. Leaving me here. No way of going back. Leaving you with no way of going back to the Silver City assholes. He can’t just leave us here without him!”

Dan put a hand on Maze’s shoulder, ready to yank it back so he didn’t lose it.

Maze snorted, shoving him off. She perched onto one of the uncomfortable hospital chairs, as if waiting for someone to attacking him. Dan figured that made sense, Maze had once been his bodyguard.

“I’ll go get Chloe in here.” Dan said.

“No.” Maze said. “She’ll make it worse.”

“Lucifer was wounded when she was at home, Maze.” Amenadiel said. “He must’ve used Az- our sister’s blade. That’s the only thing I could think of that could do this damage to him.”

Maze growled. “Fine.”

Dan nodded, unsure of what had just happened, and simply left to get Chloe.


	2. You Need The Eggs

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lucifer wakes up in the hospital, Amenadiel tries to be a good brother, and Chloe tries to be a good friend. Neither end up going all that well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Psst- I forgot when Chloe and Maze move in together so they've already moved in together because I want to.)
> 
> (Also, I'm skirting around the ending of "Monster" just so you all know)

Amenadiel watched his brother’s chest rise and fall. How could he have missed this? He knew Uriel’s death weighed heavily on his brother, but taking Azreal’s blade to _himself_? Amenadiel needed to watch over his brother better. He’d been so consumed in his own agony, his own Fall, that he’d missed his brother screaming for help, screaming for him, and now he was on the verge of losing two brothers in less than a month. Silently, he swore to Lucifer, he swore on their Father, that he would become a better brother to Lucifer, to be whoever Lucifer needed him to be. He wouldn’t fail his little brother again.

“How dare he?” Maze muttered under her breath once more, as if unable to comprehend how Lucifer had the audacity to try and commit suicide.

“Maze.” Amenadiel sighed.

Maze snarled at him, her eyes not leaving Lucifer. Amenadiel could clearly see the pain in her eyes, her knuckles white against the hilt of her knife.

A moan so small Amedaiel almost missed it was the first sign that Lucifer was waking up.

“Lucifer?” Amenadiel whispered, gently cupping his brother’s face in his hand. “Lucifer, wake up.”

Maze stood from her chair, her hand pulled back in preparation.

“I’ll wake him up.”

He caught her hand as it came down near Lucifer’s face. “He needs help, _Maze_. He needs _us_ to help him. Not to hurt him when it’s convenient for us. We must put aside our normal routines and focus on helping him.”

Maze stared at him, her pain evident but her anger shining through. She wrenched her hand out of his, but didn’t move to strike Lucifer again.

Lucifer’s head was leaning into his hand. Another moan, this one louder, but still quiet, still weak.

“Please wake up Lucifer.” Amenadiel tried again, and this time he was rewarded with a slit of Lucifer’s deep brown eyes. With a jolt, Amenadiel was almost reminded of the snake Lucifer had once been mistaken for by humans.

Lucifer’s mouth opened but no sound came out.

“That’s it, Lucifer, you’re almost there.” Amenadiel encouraged, ignoring Maze’s snort.

Lucifer’s hand shakily reached up and found Amenadiel’s cheek.

“Hey, Lucifer.” Amenadiel smiled, hoping to bring some comfort to his brother.

Lucifer frowned at him, and shoved at him. At his prime, Amenadiel wouldn’t have moved but in his human form, Amenadiel’s face nearly hit the floor. Maze snorted again, this time with amusement.

“Go ‘way.”

“I’m not leaving you, Lucifer.” Amenadiel hauled himself back up. “Not this time. No matter how hard you try to push me away.”

“Didn’t want to.” Lucifer mumbled, his glassy eyes a mix of too many emotions for Amenadiel to properly identify them.

“Want to what?” Amenadiel asked.

“Wake up.” Lucifer admitted and the same feeling that raced through his veins when Dan first called him flowed once more. “Whole bloody point of it, wasn’t it?”

“Lucifer, you can’t mean that.” Amenadiel said, pulling up an uncomfortable chair and grasping his brother’s hand like a drowning man.

“Never lie.” Lucifer mused, his eyes watering. Amenadiel wasn’t sure if that was the human medication or Lucifer or both. “Screw up all the time but never lie.”

“Oh screw you!” Maze shouted, startling Lucifer who obviously had not seen her. “Everyone screws up, get over it! You had no right to abandon us here without you!”

Tears streamed freely down Lucifer’s face. “‘M sorry. ‘M sorry. Can’t even get that right.”

Lucifer turned away from them, starting to sob. Maze stared at him, a new horror etched on her face. Amenadiel had never seen his brother like this, and he doubted Maze had either.

“Shh, Lucifer, it’s alright.” Amenadiel moved to the side Lucifer was curling into. “It’s okay, Lucifer, it’s okay.”

“No it’s not.” Lucifer cried. “I just wanted it to stop. Why wouldn’t it stop?”

“Lucifer, what did you want to stop?” Amenadiel asked as quietly as he could.

“‘M supposed to be good at it.” Lucifer continued as if his brother hadn’t spoken. “One thing. I can’t be good at anything. I’m supposed to be good at it and I can’t do it right. Why can’t I do it right?”

“What, Lucifer?”

“Punishment.” Lucifer looked up at Amenadiel, tears still flowing down his face, his glassy eyes searching his brother’s face for an answer Amenadiel didn’t have. “I’m good at punishment. That’s what he said. Finally found a good punishment. Erased from existence. That was good. But it didn’t take. Why didn’t it take? Why can’t I just do the one thing I’m supposed to be good at?”

Amenadiel stared at his brother for a little while, unsure of what to say. Lucifer was so earnest in his desire to punish himself, as if he were once again trying to please their father by erasing himself from existence. Amenadiel was sure him admitting this was the human drugs, but it shocked Amenadiel that deep down, Lucifer was still trying to please their Father.

“Because I don’t think Father wants you to.” Amenadiel said.

Lucifer’s face twisted into rage. “Don’t speak of him.”

“Lucifer, these human doctors weren’t enough against Azrael’s blade.” Amenadiel said, hoping he understood the doctor before. “She said a miracle saved your life, brother. I think Father saved you and I know he did it for a reason. Because you didn’t deserve that punishment.”

“I didn’t want his help!” Lucifer shouted, his devil eyes flashing. “I don’t ever want his help again! If I want to die, I bloody well can, and I don’t need his permission!”

“Lucifer-”

“Screw him!” Lucifer cried, tears renewed even in anger. “And screw you! I didn’t ask to be saved, I didn’t ask for any of this! I just wanted to do the one thing I’m good at and just stop! Dammit all, Dad, why couldn’t you just let me alone? Why don’t you insist on constantly torturing me?”

Lucifer again turned from him to sob, and now faced Maze, who took a couple steps back.

“Why can’t he just grant me peace?”

The words were so quiet, so full of despair that Amenadiel felt his human form shed a tear before he could stop it.

“Get out.” Lucifer mumbled, burying his face into the pillow.

“Please Lucifer, don’t. I only want to help.” Amenadiel said.

“Then help me by leaving.” Lucifer snarled. “I don’t want to see you.”

Amenadiel made to plant his ground, to force Lucifer to accept his love, to accept their Father’s help, but Maze dragged him out. They saw Chloe approaching the room.

“He’s all yours.” Maze said, her rough tone belying the fear in her eyes. “Mental breakdown and all. Work’s cut out for you, Decker.”

Chloe stared at them.

“He’s having a hard time.” Amenadiel said. “Maybe you can try to help him. He doesn’t want my help.”

“You were the one who brought up the parental unit.” Maze snapped.

“Our Father-” Amenadiel stopped himself. “Regardless. I think I need to speak to his doctor. I don’t think anyone has called Linda yet, I’m sure she can help him.”

* * *

Chloe entered Lucifer’s hospital room quietly, slowly. Lucifer was sobbing, and her heart broke just a little bit more. She sat down in the chair beside the bed, pulling it over to him.

“Lucifer?”

Lucifer startled at her voice. “Dete’tive?”

“It’s me.” Chloe threaded her fingers through Lucifer’s hair. “Oh Lucifer I’m so sorry.”

“Detective.” Lucifer keened. “No, don’t, please.”

She hesitated in his hair, unsure if she should let him push her away. She had several classes on mental health training, but none of them were of any help to her now. None of them were about Lucifer, a man who thought himself the Devil so much that it caused him to try and end his own life. Dealing with child abuse, with loss, with betrayal, that she knew how to deal with. But Lucifer? None of those classes would help her now.

Lucifer whined, a low keening sound in his throat. She wasn’t sure if it was because she had stopped her hand or those were the sounds he made while crying, but she knew she couldn’t leave him now, continuing to run her fingers through his hair. He leaned into her touch, and she decided that this was too far away from him. It was a hard process, with too many tubes to count and his damn near ragdoll limbs, but she managed to get him into her arms, holding his head close to her chest. He let the clear innuendo she purposefully left open unsaid, simply crying into her embrace, and that scared her more than seeing him in this hospital room.

She’d seen him like this before, just without the eyeliner he always wore running down his cheeks. When he showed up to a crime scene drunk, she’d called him a homeless magician. She should’ve known what pride Lucifer took in his appearance, and thought to herself that something clearly must’ve been wrong, something more than just partying too hard. She cursed herself. Lately, she’d been a terrible partner, and she knew it. She knew the signs of grief, of untreated suicidal ideation, of someone about to take their own life. But she’d been so wrapped up in her own world that she’d missed it, from her own partner no less! She knew better, she’d talked down several jumpers while she had been a beat cop. Instead, she’d hurt her partner by clearly insinuating to him that she didn’t care about his mental state. She should’ve known showing up to a crime scene drunk, shielding a woman by daring a sniper to shoot him was not his normal behavior, was a clear sign that something was wrong. She knew he cared about their cases, as much as whatever metaphorical ideas in his head allowed him to. He may not express it like a cop would, but the desire to catch the criminals and help the victims was there, if layered in some biblical metaphors. She was glad Amenadiel was calling Linda, if anyone could help him his therapist could.

“You don’t have to say anything to me, Lucifer.” She started. “But I think I need to say something to you.”

He tensed in her arms, and she scratched lightly at his scalp to try and relax him.

“I wanted to apologize to you.”

“No.”

Lucifer’s broken voice startled her, though she tried not to let it show.

“Hurt you. Hurt everyone. Even stole Detective Dou- Dan’s pudding. You can’t- don’t be sorry. Please.”

“Okay, we can put a pin in this discussion.” She said lightly, as if it wasn’t a big deal. “We don’t have to talk about it now.”

The sobs had been reduced down to shuddering breaths, and she considered that a good sign.

“Why?” Lucifer’s voice was so confused, so lost that she nearly burst into tears herself.

“Why what?” She whispered.

“Why are you here?” He asked with genuine confusion. “I hurt you. You shouldn’t be here.”

“I think I should be.” She whispered into his ear. “I think you need to know how much you’re loved.”

Lucifer snorted. “Not loved. Tolerated.”

“_Loved_, Lucifer.” She stressed, holding him tighter. “Your brother loves you, Amenadiel was ready to punch his way to you if the doctor hadn’t allowed us in, Maze has already threatened four people to get to you, probably more now, Dan cheated and rode in the ambulance with you, we’re not really supposed to use our badges to get into ambulances, but he couldn’t leave your side, Hell, even Ella’s here, ready to give you the biggest hug as soon as she can. As soon as you’re stable, I’m bringing Trixie, and there’s no way you’re getting out of that one.”

A small, watery chuckle caught her ear, and she could hear the small smile that graced his features.

“I’m sure the precinct will send cards and flowers, hoping you get better soon. I mean, you’ve done so much for the precinct, don’t think we haven’t noticed the small things you do. Listening to people, making them feel heard, giving free passes to Lux and I know you didn’t want people to notice but I know the Halloween candy bowls were you and everyone loved them. Lucifer, you are loved here in Los Angeles.”

“It’s not Los Angeles that’s the problem.” He admitted, his voice barely audible and with a jolt, she was reminded of the wretched scars on Lucifer’s back. She knew he said that Maze cut him but with how he reacted to her touch, she doubted that was what really happened. He’d never had a positive word for his father, so she didn’t doubt that either Maze or Lucifer was manipulated into doing it, or his father had done it and manipulated Lucifer into taking the blame. Abusive parents were like that. “Humans are easy, except you. I always know what they want, and it’s so easy to deal with. Make me famous, I want money, I covet my neighbor’s wife, it’s all the same. Humans can be wooed to someone by a small piece of candy or a few moments of time. But it’s never real. I know he’s always there, always able to pull strings, always able to screw up my life. And now when I want to screw it up, when I want to end it, he won’t let me.”

Knowing challenging his metaphors was not the best thing, no matter how much she wanted to assure him that his father couldn’t get to him here, she went with, “You didn’t screw up. My cases have the highest solve rate in the precinct, because of you. You catch killers, you save people. You’re not perfect, and I don’t want you to be. I want you to be Lucifer. And everything that comes with it.”

“No you don’t.” Lucifer sighed. “You still don’t know, don’t want to know. You need the eggs.”

She had meant those words as a balm to him, telling him she knew he wasn’t crazy, even if she didn’t accept the biblical metaphors. But there was a piece of him she hadn’t seen yet, a part he kept waiting for her to recognize. However, even now, she still couldn’t see it.

“And I need you.” She decided on. “I need my partner.”

“You can get a new one.” He groaned. “Humans do that, you know? They replace each other. They have so many children to replace them when they die, and the children have children and you’ve been doing it for years. Replacements are your culture’s way of moving on.”

“I don’t want a new partner.” She said, trying not to focus on how Lucifer saw humanity. Sometimes she really did wonder if he was human at all, with how he considered himself so, so very different from them. “I want you. Ella loves having you in her lab. Dan’ll never admit it, but I know when he’s beginning to like someone. I know he isn’t your number one fan, but he will miss you. He will grieve for you. _We_ will grieve for you. Please. Don’t make us.”

Lucifer didn’t say anything in response. So she simply dropped a kiss to his ungelled curls, and kept running her fingers through his hair.

“I think you should leave.” He said at last.

“Can I ask why?” She whispered back, trying not to show how scared she was of leaving him.

He managed to look up, and she saw fresh tear tracks though she hadn’t heard them.

“Because I don’t know how, but I’ve convinced the most wonderful group of humans to try and love something that is not capable of being good enough for them.” His voice was calm, as if he weren’t crying, if he weren’t in the hospital with several bandages wrapped around his arms, if he hadn’t been two seconds from death not even a few hours ago.

“You should go. And stay gone. I’ll only drag you down. And I’ll drag you down into Hell. I don’t want you to end up like that. So go, and forget me.”

“Lucifer, I-”

“Please.”

His voice cracked and so did her heart. He was trying to be strong for her, for their friends, to save them from his own disastrous mental state. If she wasn’t so scared, she might’ve been proud that he’d begun to learn how his actions affect others.

“Make me a deal?” She said, eventually deciding on a compromise within herself. She knew pushing now, with him at this state, would only hurt him. You could only push someone’s limits so far before they completely shut down.

Lucifer frowned at her.

“Promise me you won’t move until your doctor gets here, and I’ll go.” She said. “I can’t promise forever, but I’ll go for now.”

Lucifer thought it over, opened his mouth, but then nodded.

“Okay.” She managed to disentangle herself from him, without pulling any cords or tubes, hit the call button for a nurse, and headed out after giving him a final squeeze.

She found Dan now sitting with Amenadiel at the nurses’ station where she left him, Ella having been called out to a crime scene. She had only agreed to go after Dan and Chloe had promised that if Lucifer needed her, they would call her.

“Where’s Maze?” She asked.

“Gone.” Dan sighed. “Said something about needing a good dismemberment.”

“She obviously meant a fight or something.” Amenadiel said, a little too quickly. “Not actually dismembering someone.”

“I live with Maze, I know what she means.” Chloe said, still a little unused to Maze’s unusual roommate habits but she spoke enough Maze to understand her violence was a smokescreen for having to hide her emotions. Well, some of the time.

Amenadiel nodded. She got it though. Maze was a strong personality, and some things she claimed to do could get her in big trouble so she understood having to explain to cops.

“Linda’s on her way, by the way.” Amenadiel said.

Chloe nodded. “I got him to talk a little bit, but… it wasn’t enough. There’s a lot going on inside his head.”

“Do you think he would like some pudding?” Dan said, speaking up for the first time in a while. “You can eat pudding in a hospital, right?”

Chloe smiled, seeing a bit of the man she had fallen in love with inside this scared and formerly crooked cop. Dan may not have always handled pressure perfectly, but he always wanted to make people happy, especially her.

“I think he would love that.” She said, debating whether or not she should tell them what Lucifer told her. She knew they might be able to help Lucifer more if they accurately knew his mental state and why he tried, but she also didn’t want to betray Lucifer’s trust.

Luckily, she was spared that decision as the small form of Doctor Linda Martin came running up to them, holding her heels in her hand to run faster.

“Where is he?” She panted.

“Room sixteen sixty-six.” Chloe and Dan answered together.

Linda snorted, which she clearly turned into a fake cough. “Who’s his doctor? I need to talk to them, get on his care immediately.”

Dan gave the name of the surgeon, and off Linda went, still holding her heels in her hand.

“Oh my gosh, is that everyone in Lucifer’s life?” She asked, an obvious point becoming clear in her head. “Us, Maze, and Linda? That’s it? That’s his whole friend group?”

“Lucifer has… never found people really willing to stay before.” Amenadiel said carefully. “He’s had followers, people who love the idea of him, and of course, sexual partners, but they never stay. His followers are long gone, scattered across the universe, or redirected to another leader. No one else has really stuck it out with him, even our own siblings sometimes.”

“We’re his first friends?” Dan asked, shock on his face. “But he’s so… charming!”

“Charm is hardly a substitute for substance.” Amenadiel said calmly. “He’s very charming, but he doesn’t know how to interact with people for too long. And when he starts to lose it, he moves. Or would return to his… previous job.”

“There was no record of a job before Lux.” Chloe said instinctively.

“Forgive me, but if he hasn’t told you about it, I’m not going to tell either.” Amenadiel said. “That job was given to him by my father, and I don’t want to upset him again.”

Chloe nodded, feeling a sick pang of disgust in her stomach. She began to understand Lucifer’s hatred for his father. Having to work for a man who kicked him out of the house, who controlled too much of Lucifer’s adult life, who left him with lasting scars must’ve been indescribable.

“No wonder he never wants to go back.” She muttered to herself.

“Go back?” Amenadiel frowned.

“Around the holidays, we didn’t have any cases, so I told him to go home and visit whatever family he wanted to.” Chloe said, remembering a couple months ago as if it were yesterday. “He went quiet, said there was no one back home who would want him, and since his father kicked him out anyways, he had no desire to return. I felt so bad, I said he could spend the day with Trixie and I but he said no, saying he didn’t want to celebrate his father’s favorite son from another mum and the guy was a prick. I can only assume he meant one of your siblings.”

“Our half-brother, yes.” Amenadiel nodded. “I… did not have the same reaction to father’s blessing of another child after Mom.”

“Have you told your mother?” She asked. “I know he wouldn’t want his father here, but what about his mother? I think I remember him saying she was in town.”

Amenadiel paled. “I forgot she was here.”

“I’m so sorry.” She put a hand on Amenadiel’s shoulder. “I’m trained in this, I can call her.”

“No, no, it should come from me.” Amenadiel said shakily. “After Uriel, I’m afraid my mother is tired of your kind.”

Chloe frowned.

“Cops, I mean.” He said.

She nodded.

Amenadiel sighed, and put his head in his hands. “Oh, goodness, how do you tell a mother her own son tried to kill himself?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I did end up deciding to continue this. So many of you asked for it, so I thought I'd better get it to you. Don't expect an update schedule, but I'll do my best. Any questions, thoughts, goals, beliefs, emissions, or desires, you know what to do.


	3. Isaiah 14:12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As his friends plan Lucifer's trip home, Lucifer plans other things. Avoiding conversations, getting back to his penthouse, yelling at God... same old, same old

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! I just wanted to say this will be a gen fic- no shipping involved. I just want to focus on Lucifer recovering from his suicidal tendencies, his family and friends having a proper reaction, and the healing process he deserves. And I'm mostly ignoring the rest of Season 2, not that I don't love it, but it's not really where I want this story to go. To put it in canon, it'd be a midquel of Season 2. Also, I, again, totally forgot when Goddess introduces herself as Lucifer's stepmother, so we're going forward with that.

Even though technically neither of them really had the sick days, the lieutenant gave them the days Dan and Chloe needed to be by Lucifer’s side. Amenadiel has gone to Lucifer’s penthouse, to get some clothes for him when he could be released, which Dr. Martin said could hopefully be soon. But none of them wanted Lucifer to wake up alone, so Dan and Chloe took the day off. Dan was pretty sure the lieutenant understood they’d need a lot more time off in the coming weeks, making sure they didn’t lose their civilian consultant.

“Chloe, can I borrow you for a second?” Dr. Martin asked, and Chloe nodded, leaving Dan alone in the hospital room.

Lucifer had been sleeping since Dan and Chloe were allowed to return, which was to be expected according to Dr. Martin, due to the combination of the pain medication and the emotional exhaustion. Dan was really missing Lucifer’s charming smile, his ridiculous wit, even his derogatory comments and insistence that he was the Devil. At least, if he had been the Devil, Lucifer could be reassuring them that there was no need to worry, that he’d been attacked or something, that he hadn’t meant to leave them in such a way. On an instinct he didn’t quite understand, Dan reached out and grabbed Lucifer’s slack hand. He was going to have a friend nearby when he woke up, Dan decided, whether it be him or Chloe. He was going to give the Devil the best friendship he’d never had.

The doorknob clicked, drawing Dan’s attention. The door opened to reveal Lucifer’s stepmother. No matter his own personal feelings toward Charlotte Richards, he had to step up. Her stepson was lying in the bed next to him, hand unconsciously clasped with his own. That trumped any personal attractions or rivalries.

Charlotte's face crumpled as she took in the sight of Lucifer’s tightly bandaged arms. A sound Dan never wanted to hear again came out of her mouth and he jumped to catch her as she seemed to slump over.

“I got you, Charlotte.” Dan whispered. “He’ll be okay.”

Charlotte burst into tears. Dan couldn’t imagine, didn’t want to even _think_ of imagining the pain she was going through. Even though she was just a stepmother nearly Lucifer’s age, she was obviously very close with her stepsons, almost as if she’d raised them herself.

He tucked Charlotte into the crook of his neck, and for a few moments, he just let her cry. He toed the door closed, so she’d have a small bit of privacy. Then, he gently sat her down beside the bed in his chair, grabbing the box of tissues beside the bed. She blew her nose and dabbed at her eyes, throwing the tissues away when she was done, impeccably hitting her target.

She didn’t say anything for a bit, just stared at Lucifer like her entire world was crumbling around her. It probably was, given that she’d just buried one son and now another was trying to put himself in a grave, and Lucifer’s father was nowhere to be seen.

“What are all these things?” Charlotte eventually said.

Dan frowned, then realized she meant the gifts overflowing on the small bedside table.

“Oh. They’re from the precinct.” Dan said. “We know he’s the man who has everything and wants nothing, but as soon as the call went out that Lucifer could use some reminders that he’s not alone in this world, well, the entire precinct went out… and you can see the results. We wanted to show him just how much he’s made an impact on the precinct, no matter what he thinks of himself.”

Charlotte’s eyes watered again, her voice cracking as she spoke. “Thank you. Thank you all. I’m… I’m so glad he’s got such wonderful friends.”

Another bout of tears sprung from Charlotte’s eyes.

Dan brought her back into his embrace.

He wasn’t sure exactly how long Charlotte just cried, he just whispered meaningless but hopefully soothing platitudes, and Lucifer slept on, completely unaware.

Chloe and Dr. Martin returned as Charlotte was calming down once again.

“Hello, Ms. Richards, Detective.” Dr. Martin said, all business. “I was just going over the plan with Chloe. As his therapist, I was able to call in a few favors, as Lucifer is a very… special case, and while he would normally be discharged to an inpatient facility, I was able to get him released to Detective Decker’s residence as soon as he’s ready. Of course, I will be having daily sessions with him until the ideation has passed, and with your daughter Detective, it would really be helpful if you could take her for those. I don’t want Lucifer holding back because he doesn’t want to scare Trixie.”

Dan nodded. “Whatever he needs.”

Charlotte squeezed his hand.

“Thank you. He should be released within the next week, if he doesn’t relapse.” Dr. Martin said.

“Why not give him to me?” Charlotte asked. “After all, I am his mother. Ah, stepmother, I mean.”

“With respect, Chloe is a trained professional with a guest room and a safe house.” Dr. Martin replied. “Her training as a detective gives her a leg up on helping Lucifer recover from this. I wouldn’t want him or you getting hurt. This is merely a precaution to assist only in Lucifer’s recovery.”

Charlotte deflated but nodded. Dan squeezed her hand in response.

“If you’ll excuse me, I have to speak to his doctor.” Dr. Martin said, bidding them farewell.

Chloe stayed in the room, helping organize the poor overloaded table filled to the brim with cards and flowers.

“That doctor… she said you two have a child?” Charlotte asked quietly.

“Yes, Beatrice.” Chloe said. “We call her Trixie for short.”

“What would you do?” Charlotte’s voice held the weight of the world. “If it were your child lying here instead of him? I don’t know what to do. I already love him more than life itself. What would you do, if you were me? Oh God, what do I do?”

Dan and Chloe shared a pained look, but neither had an answer for her.

* * *

Amenadiel let himself into the penthouse, thinking that he was glad that Lucifer never got that lock he spoke of. He would hate the break into his own brother’s penthouse, even if it were for Lucifer’s benefit. He went into his brother’s room, looking for the comfortable clothes Linda had told him to get, and hoping he wouldn’t run into anything related to his brother’s nighttime activities. Linda had requested no suits, no matter how much Lucifer would like them, as he couldn’t easily remove them, nor would he approve of merely laying about the house in them. So he dug through Lucifer’s closet, getting some sweatpants, tank tops, underwear, comfy socks, and slippers. Something niggled at the back of his brain, though. Something he couldn’t quite shake.

He packed the two bags easily, he wasn’t sure how much Lucifer would need so he brought all he could find, and still there was a presence in the back of his mind. His hand hesitated over the elevator button, unable to let go of whatever it was.

He checked the bar, Lucifer’s closet again, under the bed, the bookshelf, and still he found nothing out of the ordinary. The feeling nagged at him. He was missing something.

With a sigh, Amenadiel went back into his brother’s bedroom, and took down the painting, revealing Lucifer’s safe underneath. He tried the code 666. It didn’t work. He tried the code 8008. Nothing. The nagging feeling had started to increase. Whatever he was missing lied inside the safe. Amenadiel frowned, what could possibly be his brother’s password. He tried the code 1412. The safe opened. Amenadiel huffed, surprised. Inside, he finally figured out what had been badgering him since he arrived.

_Azrael’s blade._

It had been calling out to him, it had wanted to be found. He still had enough celestial energy to resist, which is why he didn’t feel it as strong as a mortal would. But it seemed he was mortal enough to still feel it’s call.

The blade couldn’t stay here. Not when it had the power to erase his brother from existence. Not when he’d already tried to use it once. He wasn’t sure exactly where the blade could be safe, away from mortals, away from Lucifer, but he knew Lucifer’s penthouse was not the place. He had to get it out.

* * *

Human drugs coursed through his system, and while he normally enjoyed the feeling, these were not to elicit a high for a fun time. This was to try and distract him from a pain in his arms, doing nothing to ease the pain in his heart. He had just wanted it to stop, wanted to end the pain of knowing he would always hurt everyone in his life. Why was that apparently the hardest thing in the universe?

“Hey, I think he’s waking up.” Was that Dan? He tried to speak, to ask if the man had truly stayed with him, but all that came out was a low groan. Whatever medication they’d given him after his “outburst” (as they called it), was clouding his mind and slowing his tongue.

“Lucifer?”

Now that _was_ his mother. And a conversation he very much did _not_ want to have.

“Mum?” Lucifer’s voice was weak, even to his own ears, but he managed words. He blinked open lead eyes, and saw Dan and the body of Charlotte Richards which was currently housing his mother.

“I’m here sweetheart.” She brushed some of his curls away from his face. “How do you feel?”

His mother’s awkwardness was almost unbearable. He hadn’t wanted to hurt her like this. He was only supposed to be punishing himself. Lucifer’s eyes filled with tears against his will. It seemed that was happening a lot lately.

A rough hand squeezed his own.

He flicked his eyes to see Dan, smiling a smile he’d never seen on the detective’s face before. It shone clear with relief, but that couldn’t be right. He blamed the drugs.

“Hey, buddy.” Dan’s voice was quiet too, with a reverence Lucifer didn’t understand.

“Hello.” Lucifer spoke through a mouth of dry cotton.

“Would you like some water?” His mother asked.

He nodded.

“I’ll get you some.” His mother kissed his forehead, and left the room.

“It’s good to see you awake.” Dan said, not letting go of his hand. Dan’s gaze was unending, pervading deep into his soul. “Like really, _really_ good.”

An errant tear slid down his cheek.

“The Detect- Chloe? Where is she?” Lucifer asked, trying desperately to get Dan’s attention off him.

“She’s helping Doctor Martin.” Dan said, gesturing aimlessly behind him. “They’re working out the details for your release.”

He wasn’t sure if he was happy or sad to hear that. She clearly had not left forever, had not taken her humans and run far, far away from him, but in a dark place in his heart he was glad she had stayed.

He nodded.

“I’m sorry, Daniel.” Lucifer said at length. “It was never supposed to be you.”

“I’m… glad it was, for lack of a better word.” Dan sighed. “You… I don’t… I’m not very good at this. But I… I want you to know, I’m glad it didn’t work. I’m happy you’re still here.”

More tears slid down his face without his permission. Dan’s voice was genuine, he knew Dan wasn’t lying, and it broke Lucifer’s heart. He’d even gotten Dan into this mess, and they weren’t even that close. Lucifer had tried to understand the man better, but his attempts were too childish to really accomplish his goal. Put another thing on the list of things he wasn’t good at.

A nurse opened the door, his mother hovering anxiously behind her.

“Good afternoon, Mister Morningstar.” The nurse chirped happily. “How are you feeling? Any ill effects of the medication?”

“Thirsty.”

“I figured as much, from what your stepmother said.” The nurse held out a cup with a straw in it. He went to grab it but moving his arm sent a jolt of pain throughout his whole side. “Take it easy, please. You’re not quite ready for much heavy lifting on those arms for a while.”

The nurse held out the cup to where Lucifer could easily sip through the straw. The cool water was a sweet relief against his throat.

“Here, while I’m here, I’m going to take his vitals.” The nurse smiled at Dan and his mother. “Would you mind waiting outside for a moment?”

“We’ll just be getting coffee, if you need us.” Dan said. And there it was. He knew he wasn’t worth all this fuss, knew his humans didn’t feel the same attachment to him as he did to them. Dan must’ve been waiting for a chance to leave the moment he could.

Once he and the nurse were alone, he decided he wanted to be alone.

“Oh, sorry, no can do, Mister Morningstar.” The nurse replied. “I’m afraid I have to do my rounds.”

Lucifer nearly rolled his eyes. He was in a human hospital and since Chloe did apparently stay, his body was mortal enough to be treated as a human. He needed to get out of here, away from Chloe, away from his mother, away from everything. His strength should return when he got away from Chloe. He still had the blade locked in his safe, if he could just get back to his penthouse.

“Tell me, darling,” Lucifer put on his best charming smile, letting the accent drawl out, “what is it you most desire?”

The nurse smiled, before making eye contact, and her face went slightly slack.

“I want to get home and see my new baby.” The nurse admitted. “My wife just had her two months ago, I had to go back to work to pay the bills. All I want is to hold my wife and baby in my arms.”

“I’m sure if you went on your lunch break now, you could get home rather quickly.” Lucifer said, pushing his words into her head. “There’s no traffic right now. Go on. Fulfill your greatest desire.”

The nurse looked conflicted but in the end, his magic won out.

“Okay.” She whispered, and left him alone.

Thankfully, no one else replaced her in his room.

“Why?” He asked aloud. He knew his father wouldn’t answer, but he still spoke aloud. “Why did you step in now? You told me I was good at this. I was just finishing what you started. You were going to kill me for the Rebellion, why stop me now? Why wasn’t I worthy of the one punishment you championed? Erased from existence, to join the brother I killed, that was fitting. I deserved that. But for some reason, you said no. Why? You let Uriel die, you let me kill him! Why step in and save me now? You haven’t interfered in a thousand years, milennia even! Why interfere now? Why save me?”

Emotions that had been just under the surface of his mind bubbled up and he couldn’t stop the anger, the guilt, the desolation from overflowing.

“How dare you! How dare you interfere now! So many people have asked for your help, humans and angels alike! You could’ve helped Uriel! You could’ve saved your own son’s life! Why didn’t you? You saved me, you could’ve saved him! And you didn’t! You let me kill him! You could’ve stopped him before he even came down here, and instead you let him die. I murdered my own brother. Why do you make me live with this guilt? Is that why you saved me? Because you’ve already devised a punishment for me? To live forever with what I’ve done? Well, too bad. I’m the punisher, I’m the one in control! I can keep trying, and you can’t stop me every time. I control what I do, how I do it, and when I want to do it! You don’t get to control me this way. Not now, not ever again. I won’t let you!”

He hauled himself up, ignoring the screaming pain in his arms. He wasn’t going to let his father control him, he was going to end his own pain, he was going to punish himself for what he did to his brother, and no one was going to stop him!

He looked out the window to see if the coast was clear, to see how many humans he would potentially have to get past. Instead, he saw his humans, Dan, Chloe, and Linda. They all looked so upset, and he knew he had caused that pain. Humans were resilient creatures, but he had never meant to cause his humans pain, not to this extent. He had been expecting them to bounce back at this point. He didn’t matter that much to them, he couldn’t. He annoyed Chloe on cases, set her back by being himself, never taking their work seriously, he stole Dan’s pudding, intentionally (and unintentionally) antagonized him, mocked him mercilessly, of course Dan hated him, and even Linda, he’d nearly broken her not even a month ago, and he never listened to her when she tried to help him. His humans deserved better. He adored them, they were why he stayed in Los Angeles, why he didn’t go back to Hell after Maze and Amenadiel teamed up to send him back. He just wished he deserved the love they gave him in return.

He deflated, lying back in the bed. If he left the hospital, he would be hurting his humans more and he didn’t want to do that. He didn’t deserve their love, he never trusted that he could earn the affection they gave, but he didn’t want to hurt them. He wished he could earn their love, wished he could deserve Chloe’s smile, Dan’s laugh, Linda’s kindness. He let his head fall, his body exhausted, thinking maybe he could go back to sleep, when something caught his eye.

The bedside table had been invaded while he slept, apparently. He saw several gift bags, several different types of flowers in vases, and a plethora of greeting cards, some handmade some not. He frowned. He didn’t understand what they were doing here. He reached out and grabbed a couple.

_Lucifer, you’re one of the kindest men I’ve ever met. You listened to me talk for an hour about something I know you didn’t care about and I can’t tell you how grateful I was just to have someone listen to me. I’m here for you, if you ever need someone to listen. Call me anytime- Reyna Walker_

He stared at the card. He knew who Officer Walker was, she’d been frustrated over a case and he’d had some spare time while waiting for Chloe. It had been a two birds, one stone situation, nothing more. It certainly hadn’t reminded him of his little sister, just like he’d done with Ella, Azrael’s spitting image in personality. He opened the other one.

_Lucifer, you’re one of the strongest men we’ve ever known. Being in pain is not weakness, and we’re all here for you._

The pages were littered with signatures and small notes, and Lucifer recognized a few from the front desk, as if they passed it all around the precinct.

“Of course it was humanity.” Lucifer chuckled lifelessly to himself. “That’s the only thing you care about now, isn’t it? Is that why you saved me? For them? Do I matter so little to you that you would prolong my torment just to keep them appeased? Why am I an accessory to their existence?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Liked it? Hated it? Let me know! I live off your comments and kudos, seriously, I have so many saved in my phone just to keep my spirits up and remind myself that y'all actually want to read this.


	4. Are You Willing To Make A Deal With The Devil, Brother?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Linda helps Chloe with setting up her house, Amenadiel and Lucifer fight, and Maze deals with her emotions in her own Maze way

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First off, writing Maze is hard and I do not know how people do it for the entire story. Second, I'm kinda sorry for this chapter? I guess? I don't know. I thought I had some good ideas, but now I'm not so sure so I leave it up to y'all. Thought I might as well warn you about it though. Third, sorry this is short, I think. I don't even know at the point. I'm sure the next chapter will be longer, but I can't make any promises.

In all her career, Linda never thought she’d be at a detective’s house, counting the silverware, hiding the razors, and looking for any edge that could be used to break skin. While she knew that Lucifer couldn’t hurt himself with this stuff unless Chloe was around, she still had to be sure. Lucifer could very easily hurt himself just as Chloe left the room and she was terrified that he would try. He told her that he hadn’t wanted to hurt anyone, just to punish himself for what he had done, which she had expected. Victims of attempted suicide often don’t want death, they just want to end the pain they are in. And she couldn’t imagine the pain of killing your own brother.

“Doctor Linda, do I have to change my sign?” A quiet voice came from behind her.

She turned to see Trixie, pointing at the sign on her door.

_Trixie, No Boys Allowed, Except Lucifer and Dad_

“No, honey, you don’t have to change your sign.” Linda said, her heart breaking for this young child. From the young girls reaction, this was her first time experiencing this level of pain. She was handling it like a champ, as soon as her mother explained why Lucifer was in the hospital and why he was going to live with them for a little while, she just asked how she could help Lucifer feel better. She hadn’t cried yet, but Linda wasn’t sure if she didn’t quite understand or if she hadn’t wanted to cry in front of a stranger, even if that stranger was one of her mom’s friends. “Lucifer can still go in your room and see you, that’s not a problem. Did you get your scissors out?”

Trixie nodded.

“Is there anything else sharp?” Linda asked.

Trixie shook her head. “I don’t think so. Mom doesn’t let me keep my knives in my room, makes me keep them with Maze’s stuff.”

“Then your room will be safe and Lucifer can come in anytime you want him to.” Linda forced a smile, and Trixie mirrored it. Seeing the eight-year-old smile, even if it was a little forced, still gave Linda a great comfort. She could think of no better place for Lucifer to recover.

“I am a little surprised though.” Linda said, catching Trixie’s attention.

“About what?” Trixie asked.

“Lucifer and Dad.” Linda said. “You put Lucifer first.”

“Yep.” Trixie nodded, not explaining her decision.

“All right then.” Linda chuckled.

“Hey, Linda.” Chloe said, startling her. “Sorry. I just wanted to let you know I finished the bathroom. Maze said there’s a storage unit Lucifer knows about but doesn’t use and she’ll move her… everything in there.”

Linda nodded.

Trixie frowned. “Why isn’t Maze helping us? Doesn’t she want to help Lucifer?”

“Well, Monkey, Maze has to work.” Chloe explained, getting down to her daughter’s level. “Not everyone can take work off like Mommy and Daddy can. Maze will help when she gets back. She said it should only be another couple hours.”

Trixie sighed but nodded. Linda saw just how clearly Trixie resembled her mother, not just in looks but in personality. It was adorable.

“In the meantime, why don’t you go and check how many eggs we have in the fridge for your cake?” Chloe said and Tricia nodded.

“She’s holding up remarkably well.” Linda said.

“She’s the daughter of two cops, and Maze is her unofficial Aunt.” Chloe sighed. “She’s been exposed to a lot at a young age, even if it’s never affected her like this before.”

Linda nodded. “How are you doing, Chloe? I’m not asking as a therapist, I’m asking as a friend.”

Chloe sighed. “I’m scared for him. I’m _mad_ at him. But I’m mostly mad at myself. I should’ve seen it. He was screaming for help, and all we did was call him crazy.”

“What do you mean?”

“A couple cases ago, there was a sniper on the loose.” Chloe whispered, trying to keep her voice unheard by Trixie. “When we figured out his next target, Lucifer stood in front of her, daring the sniper to shoot him. I didn’t see all of it, I was arresting the man, but Dan said he clearly and loudly told the sniper to shoot him. Dan called him crazy, I wasn’t exactly nicer. I should’ve seen it. He literally asked to die, and I dismissed it because it… it’s Lucifer.”

“He does project this air of invulnerability.” Linda admitted.

“Sometimes I wish he were the Devil.” Chloe admitted.

If Chloe only knew how right she was. “Why?”

“Because then he couldn’t die.” Chloe’s voice cracked. “The Devil doesn’t have to go to the hospital because the people he calls friends ignored his pain.”

“Chloe, if it’s anyone’s fault, it’s mine.” Linda said. “I’m his therapist. I should’ve seen it too. After the death of his brother, I should’ve upped his sessions, should’ve dealt with it more.”

“Why didn’t you?” Chloe asked.

Linda knew she wasn’t accusing, she had just been curious. But she couldn’t help but feel like Chloe confirmed her guilt. Linda has pushed Lucifer away, didn’t want to deal with the Devil, and all of his implications, and she had missed his cries for help.

“Of course, I’m sorry.” Chloe said, surprising her. “Doctor-patient confidentiality. Forget I asked.”

“So, what’s this cake?” Linda asked, looking for any change of the subject.

Chloe smiled, a genuine one. “Trixie loves chocolate cake. So she’s decided to make Lucifer a cake to welcome him home.”

“That’s wonderful.” Linda’s eyes nearly watered with tears. The daughter of two cops, a demon, and the Devil had the biggest heart. “Do you mind if I stay and help?”

“Feel free.” Chloe said. “You’re practically going to be living here for the next few weeks so you might as well be coming home too.”

Linda gave Chloe a hug, and Chloe returned it.

“Come on.” Chloe pulled back. “That cake isn’t going to make itself.”

* * *

He wasn’t sure how the argument he and his brother were having hadn’t been heard by the nurses’ and he almost wished they did. Then they could remove his holier-than-thou brother who refused to admit that Lucifer being saved by his father did not mean dear old dad loved him.

“Father saved you!” Amenadiel shouted.

“For the humans!” Lucifer spat, long forgetting what exactly had set them into this argument. “He saved me for humanity’s sake, not my own.”

“He saved you because He loves you, Lucifer.” Amenadiel said.

“Ah, yes, that’s why He visited me so often in Hell,” Lucifer said sarcastically, “why I haven’t heard from Him in millennia, why He didn’t stop me from killing Uriel!”

Amenadiel went quiet.

“I don’t know why He didn’t step in to save Uriel.” Amenadiel admitted. “Maybe because it was a part of His Plan, maybe because He thought you’d be okay afterwards. I don’t claim to always understand Him. All I do know is that He saved you. He interfered, something He hasn’t done in too many years, and saved your life. That must mean _something_.”

“Means He still wants to control me, manipulate me, make me live with what I’ve done, as an eternal plaything for humanity.” Lucifer scoffed.

“And what about _me_?” Lucifer stared at him, stunned. His brother’s pained voice had broken, but he steeled it. “Do you know how grateful I am to Father for saving you? You may be an annoying pain in my ass, but you’re _my_ pain in the ass! You’re my brother! I don’t want to live in a world where you aren’t there. I love you, Lucifer, Mom loves you, Chloe loves you! Your human friends love you! They’ve been dropping off gifts nonstop! They miss you, they want you around!”

“That’s the bloody problem, innit?” Lucifer shouted. “He didn’t save me because He loves me. He saved me because He loves _them_!”

“Lucifer, Father loves you.” Amenadiel sighed. “I know He hasn’t exactly been the best parent to you-”

“That’s an understatement.” Lucifer muttered.

“But I _know_ He loves you, Lucifer.” Amenadiel continued. “_That’s_ why He saved you.”

“And you’re such an expert on Father.” Lucifer spat.

“It’s not just about Father!” Amenadiel said. “Lucifer, I do not know how to convince you that no matter what you’ve done, we want you here. Alive, laughing at us, doing stuff with us, living here, loving us.”

“Father too, hmm?” Lucifer sneered.

“Yes, Him too!” Amenadiel shouted, desperate to reach his brother. “He chose you, he didn’t choose Uriel.”

“He should’ve.” Lucifer muttered.

“You know what? You’re right.” Lucifer looked up in surprise at Amenadiel’s admission. “He should’ve stepped in to save Uriel. But he didn’t. He stepped in to save you. Father doesn’t want you gone, Lucifer, none of us do.”

“I don’t care what Father wants!” Lucifer shouted, his eyes welling with tears against his will once again.

“I think you do,” Amenadiel said, adding too quickly, “only to do the opposite. You have to know what he wants to rebel against him.”

Lucifer had to concede _that_ point.

“But this time, it’s not just Father.” Amenadiel said, putting a hand on Lucifer’s shoulder. “It’s Mom, Maze, me, Chloe, Dan, all of your human friends. Please. Don’t leave us. We want you here.”

“Are you willing to make a deal with the Devil, brother?” Lucifer said, after a moment.

“For you? Anything.” Amenadiel answered.

“Prove it.” At Amenadiel’s confusion, he continued. “You say Father doesn’t want me gone, prove it. Prove it and I’ll stay. I won’t leave you again.”

“Deal.”

* * *

Maze had never been more grateful that Lucifer had her manage his affairs since he brought her to Earth.

She finished loading up her stuff into the storage unit, anything Linda said was not allowed to be in Lucifer’s reach. She knew she had to keep her own knives on her person, in Lucifer’s weakened state he couldn’t go after them, just in case. Her demon blades could hurt Lucifer without Decker needing to be nearby, and she wouldn’t have that. He wasn’t running away from her, not again.

If she were human, she might’ve sighed. She’d just loaded ninety percent of her share of the apartment into the storage unit. She kept her human clothes, and everything she needed to keep Lux’s books clean, but that was really about it. She’d even stuffed her old demon armor into the unit.

“Hello, Miss… Morningstar?” The attendant she’d requested had arrived as she closed the door.

“Mazikeen Smith.” She said. “Mister Morningstar is my boss and… unavailable at the moment. I can act on his behalf. We need a password change.”

“Has anything been taken?” The attendant asked, frowning.

“No, but an employee was fired and was taken off the account.” Maze said, using the lie Linda had given her. As much turmoil as she felt with this whole situation, she couldn’t help the relief of having Linda back. Linda completed her human life in a way she couldn’t put into words.

“I completely understand.” The attendant nodded. “What would you like the new password to be?”

“2526.”

She had chosen that password very specifically. It had to be something Lucifer couldn’t guess, some information he didn’t know, but not random. Lucifer might have time to guess random and she wasn’t going to let him. So she’d chosen a date, a date she knew he knew but didn’t care about, and wouldn’t remember if he tried. The second day of the year 526, the date he chose Job to be tested. His role as the Adversary had once been a pride in Lucifer’s life, now it was a dirty memory he often tried to suppress. He wouldn’t be able to guess that.

The attendant changed the password on the lock. “Is there anything else, Miss Smith?”

Mazikeen sent the human on their way.

As she stared at the closed metal door, hiding all of her stuff, hiding herself from the world, her fists balled up and she had to stop herself from slamming it against the door. A broken door would do nothing to protect Lucifer.

Maze growled, low in her throat. She hadn’t felt this angry in a very long time. It was his fault she was so angry. He had tried to run away from them, from her, and leave her behind with an angel who didn’t have wings anymore, a broken best friend, and a heartbroken child. She knew Trixie better than anyone. The girl had seen Maze’s true face, even if she thought it was a costume, and that connected them in a way she wouldn’t break, couldn’t imagine breaking. She knew what losing Lucifer would do to Trixie, would do to her whole human family and she wouldn’t let him do it. She wouldn’t let him hurt them again.

Maze caught herself. It was Decker’s human family. She wasn’t a part of it. She was a Demon of the Lillum, not a mere human woman who wanted to protect a little girl with everything she had. Obviously.

Her phone vibrated with a potential new bounty for her. She had to sent it off. Her humans needed her, and that was what mattered at the moment. Besides, she’d taken her last bounty to get her mind off of Lucifer lying near death in that hospital bed and it had not helped in anyway. She’d make rookie mistakes, mistakes she knew better than to make, and she’d almost lost the bastard. But she was a demon, and demons don’t lose their prey.

But while she had her phone out, might as well try and distract again.

“Hi, Maze.” Decker said.

“Decker.” Maze said, forcing herself to walk away from the storage unit. “Everything’s loaded, password’s changed.”

Decker sighed. “Good. Thank you, Maze. I really appreciate it. I know you have to give up a lot of yourself right now.”

“It’s whatever.” Maze said.

“Still.” Decker replied. “Lucifer is coming home tomorrow, at noon.”

“I understand.” Maze said. “How’s Trixie?”

“She’s… doing as well as she can be.” Decker sighed, and Maze did not like that sound. Her kid was hurting. “She was pretty brave before, when me and Linda were proofing the house, and I’ve got her attention redirected for now.”

“On what?” Maze asked.

“She’s baking a cake for Lucifer when he comes home.” Decker said, and even Maze could hear the pride shining through her voice. “Please tell me he likes cake.”

“He does.” Maze said, a small smile slipping across her face. “He loves your human sweets, pastries and baked confections are high on that list.”

“Is that, I don’t mean to offend, but…” Decker hesitated. “Do you think that’s wise? Allowing his metaphors or whatever it is he does, right now?”

Maze got into the car she’d used, she’d gotten it from Lucifer’s garage, it was only one that could make the trip in one trip. “Decker, trust me. Him being reminded that he’s the Devil isn’t the problem here.”

“If you say so.” Decker sighed. “If Linda doesn’t object, I won’t either. You’ve known him longer than I have.”

If only Decker knew how right she was.

“You wanna talk to Trixie?” Decker offered. “She’s signalling for you.”

“Yeah, put me on with her.”

“Hi, Maze!” For the first time since she saw Lucifer in that hospital bed, her body began to relax. Her fists unclenched and she was able to start heading home. “Doctor Linda and Mom helped me with a cake!”

“I heard.” Maze smiled. “Did it go well?”

“I think so.” Trixie said. “Mom and I iced it, but Doctor Linda had to do the writing. She has nice handwriting.”

“She does, yeah.” Maze said, letting the girl talk.

“And I only got a little bit of flour over the countertops.” Trixie gushed.

“I’m sure your mom liked that.” Maze said.

“Are you coming home soon?” Trixie asked, her voice going a little quieter.

“I’m on my way now.” Maze said, and she could see the child smile.

“Good. I miss you.” The child’s voice was a balm to the demon, relaxing her muscles, unclenching her jaw. Her voice was so full of love for a being she couldn’t hope to understand and it made Maze’s chest feel tight. “Mom wants to talk to you. See you soon!”

“Hey, Maze I’m back.” Decker said. “Can you please pick up some food for us on your way back? I’ll pay you back, but while I was safe-proofing the house, I forgot to set out the chicken for tonight.”

“It’s not a problem, Decker.” Maze said. “Chinese? I’m right near the one Trixie likes.

“Yeah, Chinese is good.” Decker said, then called around. “Monkey, what do you want? Maze is going to that Chinese place you like.”

“No need, Decker.” Maze said. “She gets orange chicken, string bean chicken, and white rice. You get chow mien, black pepper chicken, and honey walnut shrimp. And I know Linda likes egg drop soup, so I’ll get her some.”

“Uh, wow. Thanks, Maze.” Decker said, sounding surprised. “Keep the receipt, I’ll pay for it.”

“Nah, I got a pretty good bounty on this one.” Maze said, also knowing she’d taken an extra few hundred from Lucifer’s penthouse last time she was there. She knew he wouldn’t notice it was missing, and she’d gotten it originally just in case she hadn’t fully understood how rent payments worked. So she didn’t mind taking a few twenties from that to order food for her and her family.

Maze cursed at herself, realizing they _were_ her family now. Originally, she’d only been kept on the surface as Lucifer’s attendant, to do whatever he asked of her, and now she found herself with a little girl she would kill God, or a Goddess, to protect, a detective she cooked for because she wanted to provide for her, and a therapist she wasn’t sure she could live without. Even Lucifer was in there, as he had always been her family since he had first noticed her.

“Maze, you there?” Decker’s voice interrupted her train of thought.

“I’m here.” Maze replied, pulling into the drive-through.

“Good, you went quiet all of a sudden, I was a little worried.” Decker said.

“I’m fine. And Decker?” At Decker’s hum, she continued. “Make sure to save some of that cake for me.”

* * *

Lucifer had been left alone for the night, as alone as he got anyways. He knew Dan, Chloe, Linda, and Maze were setting up Chloe’s house to have him as a houseguest, though he was unsure what his brother and mother were doing. Whatever it was, they weren’t in his hospital room, and he was grateful. He was strung out, emotionally and physically, as the argument he’d had with Amenadiel had taken quite the toll. He wished he could sink into these pillows and not wake up again, if only never to face the people who refused to leave him alone again.

He glanced at the clock for the fifth time in what seemed like an hour, but the clock had barely changed. As the Devil, he didn’t need as much sleep as a human would, but being here on Earth, and being as exhausted as he was, three in the morning was a perfect time for him to be asleep. Unfortunately, he wasn’t.

The sheets scratched at his skin, the blankets were stiff, and the flimsy hospital gown did nothing against the cold that penetrated his core. Lucifer, while used to sleeping in odd positions, simply could not fall asleep. His arms hurt, even with the morphine, his head hurt, his heart hurt, and he couldn't escape it, no matter what tactic he tried. He didn’t want to ask for a sedative, he hated how those made him feel, and he wasn’t even sure it would work. Without Chloe around, he needed at least double what a normal human would need, and he didn’t want to draw attention to himself as someone who had too high a tolerance to drugs. He didn’t want to see what this staff would do when presented with that particular problem.

So he lay in the barest excuse of a bed, hearing his heart monitor beeping steadily, trying not to go mad with exhaustion. He wanted to sleep so badly, but the harder he ran after sleep, the further it got from him.

At the edge of his consciousness, something soft started playing. It echoed around his mind, gently soothing his tensioned muscles. It felt… strangely familiar. Like a song from childhood being played on the radio. His felt his eyelids getting heavy. Part of his mind resisted, fighting an unknown battle. His mind was getting foggier, and the sound was getting louder. It wasn’t disturbing, in fact, it seemed quite the lullaby as he felt part of his mind shut down. The song consumed him, and he began to realize the song seemed almost… celestial, but he was too far gone to care. He was almost asleep when he felt hands he didn’t recognize running through his ungelled hair, a deep voice singing softly in his ear, his body creating the motion of being gently rocked like his Father had once done when he was younger. It soothed a part of him he did not know he still had, and he tumbled down into sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, you made it all the way down here. Let me know if you liked it or hated it or saw what I was going for but didn't quite execute as well as possible. Who knows? Anyway, here it is. Hope you like it.


	5. Made With Love Not Skill

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lucifer has a nightmare, and then everyone else's nightmares come true

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: suicide ideation Please take care of yourselves, I don't want to trigger anyone
> 
> Also--- I know I said this would be a midquel to season 2, but I've kinda... it's becoming it's own monster. We'll see. I don't know, I'm rambling, just read the story.

He had been doing so _well_ lately. He’d been smiling more, actually meaning it, feeling less like the weight of Heaven and Hell were on his shoulders, and Linda had done a fine job of rationalizing that his brother’s death was of Uriel’s own doing, and Lucifer had only been the vessel. He’d been doing so well, he’d almost forgotten the struggles of that first week.

Lucifer had sobbed uncontrollably when he’d arrived at Chloe and Maze’s apartment, when presented with a chocolate cake clearly made with love but not skill with clean writing welcoming him home. He hadn’t even protested when Trixie, unable to understand why Lucifer was crying, went up and hugged him with all of her might. He’d just sunk to his knees, and clutched the little girl like his life depended on it. Once he’d gotten ahold of himself, they’d cut the cake, giving Lucifer the piece that read “Home”, a sly move by Chloe to try and help Lucifer understand this was truly his home as well. Lucifer swore he wouldn’t cry for the rest of the night, and he didn’t, though he came close a couple times as the night wore on. He didn’t understand why these precious, wonderful humans had chosen him to love, and he knew he would never be what they deserved, but his humans had started to get good at noticing when his thoughts were drifting and distracted him. He’d allowed another hug from Trixie before the young child went to bed, and Linda had promised to be over the next day so he could process the events unfolding before his eyes. He hadn’t really answered her, not trusting his voice, but he did nod jerkily and she seemed to understand.

Once Trixie had gone to bed, the adults had wound down the night, saying that Lucifer needed his rest, and they would be back throughout the week. Chloe had shown him the room he was now to use, as well as the bathroom (and he did notice the lack of razors). She had hugged him as well as he bid her goodnight, so tight he could barely breathe, and he hugged back just as hard. Normally, he was not a fan of touch, excepting what could happen in the bedroom, but that night, he couldn’t deny her, or himself.

The next day, just as she promised, Linda arrived after Trixie went to school. Lucifer had wanted to cook for the girl, but the medication he was still on made him drowsy in Chloe’s presence. He had requested that Linda let him stop, but she had denied him, saying that he was healing in a human way since he was going to stay so close to Chloe and he needed human medication. He had said he was perfectly fine at Lux, but she had denied him again. He had wanted to protest, but the increase in tension stopped him. If his humans wanted him to stay at Chloe’s house until his wounds healed completely, then he supposed he would do it. For them.

Amenadiel was a frequent visitor, as was Dan, though hardly at the same time. His mother did her best, but with the newly found human spawn he’d siced on her, she didn’t always have time. Besides, his mother wasn’t the person he wanted to see most out of all this. Sometimes, when he was resting on the couch, or waking up from a dream, and he heard a door opening, he could hear Uriel’s voice, calling out for him as they were when they were younger. More than once, Chloe or Dan would have to sit with him (since it was usually them arriving) as he remembered his brother was dead by his own hand. He still hadn’t told them that he had been the one to kill his brother, but they seemed to know. He wasn’t sure how but they often reassured him that it would be okay, that it wasn’t his fault. He took a secret pleasure in their comfort, even though he knew he didn’t deserve it.

* * *

Chloe sighed as she set her purse down. Even with the Lieutenant’s permission, taking off so many days recently had really hit her job hard. No one begrudged her or Dan leaving, as Lucifer still hadn’t returned, but solving cases without Lucifer there or having to drop something because neither wanted Lucifer home alone had gotten very difficult. Chloe had already accepted temporary desk duty, that way she didn’t let a murderer get away, but she hadn’t realized how much she’d come to depend on Lucifer’s presence beside her. She missed their routine, solving crimes together, her doing paperwork as Lucifer did nothing to help, glaring at him, getting very annoyed, becoming less annoyed when he brought her coffee, getting annoyed once again as he turned it mildly sexual, him making her laugh when they caught the next case. His absence had left a gaping hole in her chest, one she hadn’t even noticed making. So when Dan offered to take this next shift so Chloe could be at home with Lucifer, she jumped at the chance. Trixie had the day off from school, and Linda had her session with Lucifer before Trixie even woke up, so she was excited to spend the day with some of her favorite people. It would do her good.

The TV was playing a movie’s menu, a Disney movie she knew Trixie had put in, so she went to the kitchen to start lunch.

“I’m home.” Chloe called out, hoping she would soon have an armful of daughter and a trailing Devil.

She got neither.

She frowned, and went into the living room, trying to keep her heart from beating out of her chest. Linda had promised her Trixie had woken up after their session, and had immediately jumped at the chance to hang with Lucifer alone for a little while. Lucifer wouldn’t have run away from her, Trixie would’ve pitched a fit Lucifer would not be able to tame. Besides, he loved that little girl just as much as she and Dan did.

When she found them in the living room, her face broke open with a wide smile. Lucifer and Trixie were asleep on the couch, with Trixie on Lucifer’s chest. Lucifer was spread out across the couch, like he had once been sitting up but since falling asleep, fell over across the couch. Trixie was snuggled into the crook of Lucifer’s neck, with his arm around her, like she was his teddy bear. She got a throw blanket, one of Lucifer’s presents from the hospital, and tucked them in. Lucifer mumbled nonsensically in his sleep, but quieted when Chloe started to lightly stroke his hair. The scene before her was so cute, she couldn’t help but pull out her phone and take several photos of them cuddling together, and then she sent them to Dan, Linda, and Amenadiel.

She knew Trixie would be hungry when she woke up, so she decided to make lunch and wake them up when it was ready. She was halfway through making some quesadillas when she heard it. A soft whimper, coming from the living room. She turned down the stove, so she wouldn’t set fire to the apartment, and set the cooked food apart from the uncooked. She dried her hands off on a dish towel and headed into the living room.

To her surprise, the whimper hadn’t come from Trixie, but Lucifer, who’s face had screwed up in pain.

He began to thrash a little, “No, no, please.”

“Lucifer, wake up.” Chloe lightly shook his shoulder.

“Uriel, no, stop, don’t!” Lucifer cried out, waking Trixie.

“Lucifer?” She mumbled sleepily.

Even days after this, Chloe couldn’t pin down if it had been her shaking him, his own nightmare, or Trixie’s soft voice which caused him to scream out and violently shove at Trixie as he screamed himself awake, his brother’s name on his lips.

Trixie’s scream distracted her from Lucifer’s look of agony, and she realized that Lucifer had accidentally flung her daughter into the coffee table. The table hadn’t broken but Trixie was crying, clutching her arm to her chest, and Chloe immediately went to see. She couldn’t tell if it was broken or sprained, but it was definitely hurt.

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry!” Lucifer shouted, standing on wobbly legs.

“Lucifer, it’s okay, it was an accident!” Chloe said, trying her best to soothe Trixie and Lucifer at the same time.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean, I’m so sorry!” Lucifer backed up, looking horrified at himself.

“It’s okay, Lucifer!” Chloe shrieked, knowing if Lucifer ran now, she couldn’t stop him. “Trixie understands, it was an accident, _I_ know it was an accident, it’s not a big deal!”

“I hurt your _daughter_!” Lucifer shouted back. “I hurt the most innocent thing I’ve ever loved. I only hurt people, can’t you see that?”

“Accidents happen, Lucifer.” Chloe begged, picking up a still crying Trixie to tuck her into her chest. She knew all this fighting was only scaring Trixie more. “It wasn’t your fault.”

“Of course it’s my fault!” Lucifer shouted. “It’s always my own bloody fault! I brought this upon myself! There is something rotten inside of me! I find it near impossible to drown out the constant cacophony of voices whispering in my ear, telling me I am evil! I'm drowning, Detective, and I’m the only one to blame for it! I killed my own brother, I don’t want to hurt you anymore, I can’t, I’ve already hurt you too much! I’m sorry, Detective. I’m so sorry I’ve brought you into this, that I’ve brought your daughter into this madness. Don’t look for me.”

And like watching a train crash, knowing the inevitable but unable to stop it, she watched Lucifer run out her door. She tried to run after him, screaming his name, but by the time she made it to the front door, he was gone.

* * *

Dan was just finishing up some paperwork when his phone went off. He saw Chloe’s name for caller ID and frowned. Chloe should be at home with Lucifer, she knew he was working, why could she be calling?

“Hey, Chlo, what’s going on?”

“Dan!” Chloe shrieked, and Trixie was sobbing in the background. “Lucifer’s gone!”

He couldn’t catch his breath, his heart thumping wildly against his chest. “What happened?”

“Lucifer had a nightmare, and Trixie accidentally got hurt.” Chloe said, sounding like she was crying herself. “He ran out, I couldn’t catch him! I’ve gotta get Trixie to the hospital, Dan, you gotta go look for him!”

“I’ll call everyone.” Dan said, racing to the Lieutenant’s office. “Ma’am! I have reason to believe someone I know is about to harm himself and/or others, I need to leave immediately. So will Ella Lopez.”

He didn’t wait for the permission he knew the Lieutenant would give, and ran to Ella’s lab. Thankfully, she was inside.

“Whoa, Dan, pump the brakes, evidence is- oh my god, what’s wrong?”

“Lucifer’s gone.” Dan gasped, his mind betraying him, flashing images of Lucifer’s bloody body lying cold on Lux’s floor. “We need to find him.”

Shaky thumbs put Chloe on speaker phone.

“I’ll go to Lux, Chlo, you stay with Trixie, maybe he’ll come find her when he calms down.” Dan said. “Ella, you look into him, see what purchases he’s made, or if he’s had anything sent to a particular house of his. I know he has several. I’ll call Maze and Amenadiel, see if they know where he is. I don’t care what happens, come Hell or high water, we’re finding that bastard and bringing him home!”

* * *

Lucifer had called the Uber after running at full speed for about ten minutes. He knew Chloe couldn’t chase after him, didn’t want her to. She needed to tend to her own daughter, to her own family, to the people who actually mattered in her life.

The driver saw his disheveled state and thankfully, said nothing the entire trip. His mind swirled with bloody and painful thoughts, thoughts Linda called intrusive, but he didn’t want to call her. She had asked him to, asked him that if he ever started to feel like this again, to please call her, she would drop everything to help him. But he didn’t want her help. He wanted to go home, and he wanted to escape. He had hidden Azrael’s blade in his safe. None of his human companions even knew he had a safe. Amenadiel had been to his penthouse, but hadn’t mentioned the blade or the safe. Even if he found the safe, Amenadiel didn’t know the code, no one could guess he had a biblical passage as the code. Not even his brother.

The uber dropped him off at Lux without a word, and Lucifer headed up to his penthouse. No one stopped him, as the middle of the day, only his bareest security was there, and he paid them not to comment on his comings and goings. He made it to his elevator without anyone stopping him.

He took his last ride up, and steeled his nerves for what he was about to do. Part of his brain was screaming at him, saying his humans needed him, that they loved him, that he needed to stick around for them. But he dismissed it as his father’s manipulations getting their way into his head. He wasn’t going to hurt anyone he loved ever again. They might feel some pain at his loss, but when they realize how much better their lives are without him, they’ll wonder why they ever grieved him. He wasn’t good enough for them, he hurt them, and he needed to be punished.

This time, he bypassed the bar, and went straight for his safe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'd say I was sorry for that, but I'm not. What I _am_ sorry for, is sorry I can't write Chloe under stress worth anything so please just ignore how terrible that was. I'm also sorry this one is short as well, but it's all I've got. I really hope you liked it. If you did, or didn't, let me know. Your comments really do help me, you guys give me awesome ideas or have me include something I wouldn't have thought of by my lonesome. All right, I'll shut up now. Bye!


	6. Come Hell or High Water

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everyone rushes to find Lucifer while Lucifer has his own plans about how his day should go

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw- suicidal ideation, panic please be careful guys if this triggers you

By some sort of miracle, there was no traffic in the City of Angels so Dan was able to get to Lux pretty quickly. He had driven as fast as he could to Lux, knowing that other cops would recognize his as an unmarked cop car and uncaring that civilians saw him as an asshole. He called Amenadiel and Maze on the way, filling them in. Amenadiel went to his stepmother, to see if Lucifer had gone to her. He said something about his sister’s blade but Dan’s heart was beating too loudly in his ears for him to properly process it. Maze said she knew a couple places Lucifer might go that wasn’t Lux so she would search there.

He parked haphazardly, and raced to the elevator. His mind screamed at him while he waited for it, saying that just waiting for the elevator would make him too late. He knew taking the stairs would seriously make him too late but waiting for the elevator was excruciating.

The ding of the elevator arriving sent of thrill of relief down his spine. He hit the button for Lucifer’s penthouse.

His phone rang.

“Ella, what’s going on?”

“He ordered an Uber to Lux about thirty minutes ago.” Ella said. “I don’t know if he’s still there, but he went home first at least.”

Dan cursed. Lucifer may have come to Lux only to get his Corvette. He should’ve checked to see whether Lucifer’s car was still there.

“Thanks, Ella. I’ll keep you updated.”

As soon as he put his phone away, he arrived at Lucifer’s penthouse. He ran in to see a massive mess. Dan frowned, Lucifer was a pinnacle of immaculate behavior. What could’ve caused him to tear through his own house?

“Where is it?” Lucifer’s loud voice steadied his heart. He sounded angry, _alive_. That’s all the mattered.

Dan ran to Lucifer’s voice, his bedroom, where he found an even greater mess. A safe on the wall hung open, revealing nothing inside it, and Lucifer digging through his closet, gasping like he was crying.

“Lucifer?” Dan whispered, reaching his hands out slowly.

Lucifer turned wildly, a knife firmly in his hand, his eyes just as wild as his turn. His feet were red, rubbed raw from not having any shoes on, his shirt white shirt soaked through with sweat, his hair coming apart from the pomade Lucifer used to tame his curls.

“Dan?” Lucifer’s voice was quiet, surprised, broken.

“It’s me, man.” Dan said, easily dodging the knife. He didn’t need his police training to know Lucifer didn’t want to hurt him, but _himself_. His mind whirled, trying to find the correct way of de-escalating a mental break situation but none fit Lucifer’s mold.

“Why aren’t you with the spawn?” Lucifer demanded.

“Chloe’s got her.” He said in his best soothing voice. He didn’t want Lucifer to think he was angry at him. “Kids practically bounce at her age. Trixie will be just fine. I needed to find _you_.”

“No.” Lucifer stated harshly, frowning. “Go away. Go to your daughter. She needs you.”

“I don’t want to.” Dan said, hoping Trixie would forgive him. “I want to be here with you. Helping you.”

“I’ve got my own help.” Lucifer waved him off. “As soon as I can find it.”

“You don’t need that kind of help, buddy.”

“Yes, I do!” Lucifer shouted, clutching the knife close to his chest with white knuckles. “You don’t understand! No one understands what I am! I am _evil_, Daniel! I hurt people, I’ve _killed_ people. I killed my own brother!”

“I don’t care!” Dan shouted, and surprisingly, found he meant it. “I don’t care what you’ve done! You’re a pain in my ass but I wouldn’t want it any other way! I don’t want _you_ any other way! You’re my friend! You protect Chloe, you’re a great partner for her, you buy gifts for my daughter and you protect her with everything you have, you make Ella laugh, you drive Amenadiel crazy and I don’t know what I’d do without you!”

Lucifer stared at him, seemingly floored. His brown eyes, filled with fear, confusion, and pain, were red with unshed tears. “But… detective douche-”

“Please.” Dan couldn’t help the scoff. “I’m a known dirty cop, even if I’m trying to make up for what I did. Everyone knows what I did. I’ve earned Detective Douche at this point. It’s better than what other people at the station call me.”

Lucifer cocked his head in confusion. “What? Who insults you?”

Dan then realized Lucifer’s grip on the knife had eased, his attention redirected onto Dan. He needed to pounce on this. “It’s no big deal.”

“It is. You’re not the worst human I’ve ever met.” Lucifer insisted. “I’ve met so many worse than you. Creatures without a soul who don’t bat an eye when they hurt people.”

If Dan hadn’t been entirely focused on Lucifer at the moment, he would’ve missed Lucifer’s quiet _“Like me.”_

Dan jumped at the opening Lucifer had inadvertently given him. “I thought you never lied.”

“I do not.” Lucifer stood straighter, affronted.

“You just lied to me, right now!” Dan said. “The fact that you’re doing this, that you’re this upset by your actions, this means you’re batting an eye that you’ve hurt us in the past. You’re changing how you treat us, by hurting yourself in our stead. We just don’t want you to do that.”

“Didn’t lie.” Lucifer mumbled. “I ruin everything I touch, I am poison for anyone who dares to care about me. Every single person I’ve ever cared about I’ve hurt. 

“Dammit, Lucifer, I’ve hurt my wife, my daughter, my friends, hell, I’ve hurt _you_! Lucifer, I’m kind of an expert on being a terrible person to the people who love you. _You’re_ not the worst person alive, Lucifer. You _have_ a soul. You care if you hurt people.”

Lucifer groaned. “Whether or not I care or not doesn’t mean I don’t hurt you.”

Dan hesitantly took a couple steps forward. “People hurt each other, Lucifer. We’re not perfect. Only thing we can do is learn from our mistakes, and keep loving each other despite our flaws. So please, let us keep loving you. We know who you are, we know what you’re capable of, mostly, and we want you here with us. You’re trying to be better, I’ve noticed, Chloe’s noticed. You think she would let you around Trixie at all if she didn’t see you trying to become better?”

“But I hurt the damn little urchin!” Lucifer shouted, gripping the knife tightly again.

He prayed to anything that would listen that Lucifer wouldn’t stab himself in front of him.

“It was an _accident_, Lucifer.” Dan insisted. “You didn’t mean to hurt her, she knows that, we know that. Has Chloe ever told you about when we were married and we went up to my parents’ house for the summer?”

Lucifer jerkily shook his head.

“I was making dinner with my mom, and Trixie was outside.” Dan said, still inching forward. He hated remembering this particular memory, but he would do whatever was necessary to keep Lucifer with them. “Chloe told me to watch her, she was climbing trees, and I didn’t listen. I was too involved with my own problems, I was ranting to my mom about work and about the struggles of being a parent. I missed her falling. I took my eyes off her, and she fell and she sprained her ankle from landing on it wrong. It could’ve been so much worse, and I’m thankful it wasn’t, but for weeks, I didn’t take my eyes off her. I damn near followed her into her school building because I thought she would get hurt again because I _took my eyes off of her_. And I’m her _father_! You just had a nightmare! You weren’t in control of yourself, you were _asleep_! I _chose_ to ignore what Chloe said. And she still allows me around her! Lucifer, Chloe and I allow you around Trixie because she adores you, because you’re good to her. If she really thought you were a danger to our daughter, would she have let you stay in our house? Wouldn’t I have immediately arrested you? I didn't because I know in my heart you would never hurt Trixie on purpose. You love her just as much as we do.”

Dan reached Lucifer and gently wrapped his hand around Lucifer’s.

“You’re not her parent, you’re her… her fun uncle who she can trust with her shenanigans, who sneaks her into things she’s a little too young to do, who watches her like a hawk while she breaks the rules to make sure she doesn’t go too far. I know that. Chloe knows that. Trixie knows that. We see _you_, Lucifer. We see you trying to be better. We see you learning, and it’s okay that it’s a process. Don’t stop learning, Lucifer, don’t leave us. Let us keep watching you grow, let us keep loving you. Because we’re always gonna be here for you, even if you fall.”

Lucifer’s grip went slack as he collapsed into Dan, a few tears falling down his cheeks. Dan threw the knife, a dented kitchen knife, into the other room, far away from them both, then sank to his knees, taking Lucifer with him. Lucifer buried his face into Dan’s neck, as his cries got stronger. He reached into his back pocket, and pulled out his phone. He sent a text to Chloe.

** _Forward to the others, don’t reply- Found him, he’ll be okay, bring him home soon, get Linda ready_ **

He tossed his phone into the mess of clothes beside him, and hugged Lucifer as tight as he could. Lucifer was openly sobbing in his arms, which reminded him too much of his daughter in the hospital right now, so admittedly his paternal instincts took over. Just like he’d done before, when Trixie had a nightmare, he started to lightly rock back and forth, whispering quietly in Lucifer’s ear. Lucifer just buried himself deeper into the crook of his shoulder, as if no one had allowed him this love in years. Dan had seen the scars on Lucifer’s back, old faded scars, that made him question if Lucifer had ever had anyone’s shoulder to cry on.

He didn’t know exactly how long Lucifer cried in his arms. But he wasn’t going to move. His back gently touched against Lucifer’s closet as he rocked back, his legs intertwined with Lucifer’s as he held a man much taller than himself in his arms like a child. He didn’t quite know the battle Lucifer had just fought within himself, but he truly hoped Lucifer had struck a winning blow. He couldn’t lose Lucifer again, just the mere thought sent a vicious grief down his spine he couldn’t suppress.

Suddenly, Lucifer went limp in his arms. His fingers went straight for Lucifer’s throat, but found a strong pulse underneath. He checked Lucifer’s stitches but found them unharmed. He realized Lucifer must’ve passed out from exhaustion. He wasn’t sure why the stitches had broken under Lucifer’s knife, probably because he’d gotten the wrong knife and hadn’t tried yet, but he was glad they hadn’t if he had tried.

Dan dropped a kiss to Lucifer’s hair, still hugging him tightly, still rocking back and forth. When he got up his strength, he was going to carry Lucifer back to his car, and drive him home to Chloe’s where Doctor Martin would be waiting. Staying at Lux obviously wasn’t good for him, since he had been looking for a particular blade in his house. He wasn’t sure why it mattered, but he was thankful it did, and that Lucifer didn’t find it. For now though, Dan was content to just hold the man who thought himself the Devil in his arms.

* * *

His heart broke for His son.

No matter how long they’d been apart, no matter the fights they’d had, no matter the lies His wife told, He still only wanted happiness for His little lightbringer. He never wanted Samael’s destruction, by His hand or his own. And because He had failed His son, failed two of His sons, His lightbringer now sobbed in the arms of a human he trusted more than his father.

A part of Him wanted to go down Himself. Part of Him wanted to go down, kiss His son’s face as He once did before His son started to question Him, to hold him and never let him go again. But He knew He wouldn’t. Samael didn’t want Him to do it. _He_ didn’t want to do it.

His heart still stung from Samael’s betrayal, but He didn’t want to dwell on that. His lightbringer was hurting, and this was a hurt He could ease.

_You say Father doesn’t want me gone, prove it. Prove it and I’ll stay. I won’t leave you again._

He had hoped He already given Samael a sign, a sign that He did still love His son, whether they were fighting or not. But it seemed Samael had not recognized it. He wasn’t all that surprised, if He were being honest. Samael hadn’t heard that lullaby in years, even before his Fall. He had hoped that something from He and His wife had just created His lightbringer would stir a memory, a memory of when he called the Silver City home, when their family wasn’t as broken as it had become. A memory of when he loved his father with all of his heart simply by nature. But since Samael hadn’t seen that sign, it seemed, another was called for.

He didn’t leave Heaven, He had no need to. Since He was at His full strength, He simply sent down a touch, a touch He allowed himself to feel, to run what could’ve been His hands through Samael’s hair, to gently soothe His son. His son’s curls hadn’t been slicked straight in hours, so His fingers moved easily through His lightbringer’s hair.

He wished He could talk to His son. He wished their pride wouldn’t immediately get in the way, setting them both on edge. He wished they could just have it out, and move on from what happened millennia ago. He wished His son knew He only wanted what was best for him. He wished His son could see that He loved him.

But His son had betrayed Him. And He had only sent His firstborn to deal when Samael lashed out at his punishment, never once talking to him Himself. But most importantly, He hadn’t interfered when His lightbringer killed His welcomer, His predictor. He had placed a young miracle in Samael’s path, to help him see he was not beyond redemption, that forgiveness in His eyes was possible. He hadn’t quite expected how quickly these humans would take to Samael but He was glad His lightbringer could come to someone, that someone would see Samael’s pain and stay in his life long enough to do something about it.

His heart wrenched at Samael’s sobs, which hadn’t stopped, even with Samael being in the human’s embrace. No matter what, at the end of the day, He only wanted His lightbringer to be happy. He couldn’t stand the sound of His son’s cries.

“Sleep, Samael.”

The sleep suggestion may have come on a _little_ strong. It had been a while since He’d needed to give Samael, or any of his children really, anything to help him sleep so He may have overdone it slightly as the human started to panic. But soon after, the human was satisfied that Samael was merely asleep but continued to hold him. He didn’t blame him. He longed to hold His lightbringer in His arms once again, but it wasn’t happening any time soon. He only hoped, this time, His son would see the sign He was sending down.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope this satisfies all of you, I tried really hard on this one. Please let me know what you thought of it, it seriously gives me more confidence and more desire to write. The more you let me know, the more I want to write more for you. Thanks guy, I hope you like this one.


	7. A Devil of My Word

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan monologues in his head, and a little out loud, and Linda thinks about how far Lucifer has truly come.

Lucifer slept the entire way home.

Once Dan had gotten himself together, he’d lifted Lucifer into his arms, bridal style, and carried Lucifer to his car outside. He positioned Lucifer so his head was tucked into Dan’s shoulder, where he could feel Lucifer’s gentle breath on his neck, just in case. Lucifer had murmured nonsense but hadn’t woken at the movement, but until the Devil looked at him with clear eyes and a brilliant smile, he knew he wouldn’t be satisfied. He buckled the seatbelt for Lucifer, and got on the Five to get to Chloe’s.

He wasn’t sure exactly when a man he once hated had become such a fixture of his life, but he wouldn’t change it for the world. He could sort of remember the tipping point, he’d fought with Lucifer after the weapon of the hot potato stab-a-thon, he wasn’t exactly sure why. He had been so angry, so caught up in his emotions that he only remembered flashes of their argument.

_My life went to hell when I met you!_

_One deep cut, and yours truly could be wiped from existence._

_My entire life imploded because of you!_

_You're fighting the blade, which indicates a strength I didn't know you had._

_Lucifer..._

_Look at me._ Look at me. _Your marriage. Did I ruin it?_

_No._

_No._

_We were separated before Chloe even met you._

_And your career?_

_Palmetto was all _me.

Dan took a glance at Lucifer. Lucifer’s hair was ungelled, curling as he slept, and the tears streaks still shone in the right light. He looked ten years younger than he was, the frown lines, the pain that Dan had began to see so clearly written on his face, had vanished, and it made Dan’s heart feel so protective of the man he once despised. Lucifer had somehow gotten Dan to own up to his own actions, to take responsibility for his life, instead of blaming it on anyone and everyone else. Dan couldn’t live like that anymore. _He_ had made the mistakes, _he_ had to live with their consequences. It had been that moment, when he realized that, that he started to let Lucifer in. And he didn’t regret it, especially after finding him a few hours later.

He’d learned a lot about Lucifer lately, after spending so much time together. They both loved action movies, not just the Body Bags franchise, but also Stallone and Armie, and that they both could enjoy a nice romantic comedy under the right circumstances. They both loved good Mexican food, Dan had spent hours teaching Lucifer the recipes his grandmother had passed to him, recipes he was going to give to Trixie when she was old enough, learning recipes that Lucifer taught him, recipes he had taught himself and perfected over the years. He learned Lucifer spoke perfect Spanish, and was a great history buff, almost as good as if he’d been there himself. Lucifer was also a great codebreaker, saying his extensive language skills made it too easy, and that he was the only one of his siblings who really appreciated good music. Lucifer had groaned when Dan asked what music he was into, _“All of it, Daniel, I’m the angel of music, how can I not like the music of any genre just because you all think it’s not worth listening to?”_ though he did have some choice words about what country had become when it strayed from outlaw country and became a collection of post 9/11 nationalism, and sexist “bro-country” (His words). He learned Lucifer had way too many siblings, nearly all of whom were complete assholes according to him, and, on a particularly bad day where he’d thought Dan knocking on his door was his brother come back after a harsh nightmare, he’d learned that when they were younger, Uriel had always been the runt of the litter, who no one wanted to deal with, who Lucifer regretted not allowing into their games, no matter how annoying it was that Uriel seemed to know the outcome of the game before it was over. (He guessed Uriel must’ve been on the autism spectrum, with his innate analysis of patterns others couldn’t see, though Lucifer hadn’t understood when he’d asked about it.) And he’d learned that Lucifer hated his father for not intervening in his brother’s death, _”What is the point of all that bloody power, of calling yourself benevolent if you don’t save your own damn son?!?”_ That had been a very bad day, for them both. Dan’s heart had nearly burst at his own memories of losing his father, of wishing something could’ve been done, of nearly taking it out on Lucifer for reminding him, and Lucifer’s heart had been so raw that he’d nearly lashed out physically at Dan’s try of reassurance. It had only been Dan’s training as a cop that de-escalated the situation before one of them did something they’d both regret.

When Dan pulled into Chloe’s driveway, he realized he must’ve beaten everyone else here. That was L.A. traffic for you, he supposed. So it was up to him alone to decide what to do with Lucifer.

For a moment, he just stared at Lucifer’s still sleeping face. He internally debated waking him, but ultimately decided Lucifer could use the sleep. Nightmares were a common sound in the house once Lucifer moved in. So he got out of the car, ran up to the door, unlocked it and swung it open. Then he returned, and carefully maneuvered Lucifer into his arms once again. Lucifer was heavy, but not necessarily bulky, so it wasn’t as difficult as it could’ve been, but he did wish for a second Lucifer’s gangly form wasn’t as tall when he nearly bumped Lucifer’s legs into the doorframe.

He easily tucked Lucifer into bed, years of tucking his daughter in giving him an advantage. Lucifer settled himself into bed, still deeply asleep. On instinct, he pressed a kiss to Lucifer’s forehead, brushing back some of his curls.

Lucifer sighed, sounding almost content. “Thanks, Dad.”

Dan sighed. In the entire time he’d been at Chloe’s, hell even since Lucifer was first admitted to the hospital, Lucifer’s father had been a no-show. Amenadiel had kept referring to him, saying he still loved Lucifer no matter their history and though Lucifer had made it clear he didn’t want his father in any part of his life. But he thought, the man still should’ve tried. If he did really love Lucifer, he would’ve done something, at least sent a damn _card_.

“Hello?” Dr. Martin’s voice came from the living room.

“We’re in his room.” Dan called out, thankful the one person they knew could help had arrived.

Doctor Martin’s shoulders sagged in relief when she saw him, and he gave her a half-hearted smile.

“Thank you, Dan.” She said. “You’ve done a brilliant job, as far as I can tell. I know how hard talking him down must’ve been.”

He nodded, his own anger, grief, and desperation racing back into his mind.

“Are you all right?”

And with that, the dam burst. All of his fear, his anger, his love for Lucifer came pouring out, and once he started, he couldn’t stop.

“And I just kept imagining getting there too late, that this time he had a gun, or he’d hung himself, or slit his throat, and I was so goddamn scared that were were gonna lose him. I’ve only just let him in, I’ve only just begun to see how much we share, how much we care about the same people, how much I really care about him! I didn’t even know that we were even friends until a few weeks ago! And I thought he was gonna _die_, that we were going to lose him. I can’t… I can’t lose him like that. Not when I can do something about it, not when I should’ve done something about it long ago. He’s been suffering in silence for ages, and I didn’t notice. I’m a cop, I should’ve noticed! I’ve been trained in these scenarios, I should’ve seen what he was going through. I’ve been a terrible friend to him, a terrible person, and he just takes it like he’s not worth anything more. I let myself blame him for my mistakes and he just shouldered it, like it’s all he knows how to do. He’s been taking our sins on his shoulders like it’s his job. No wonder he thinks that he’s evil.”

He wasn’t sure when he had started crying but when he’d finally run out of steam, Doctor Martin just held out some tissues for him. He was surprised his outburst hadn’t woken Lucifer.

“That’s a lot of emotions to go through so quickly.” Doctor Martin said.

He nodded, sitting down on the edge of the bed, absentmindedly rubbing his thumb over Lucifer’s ankle.

“I want to fix him.” He stated. “I want to snap my fingers and have him stop thinking this way. I know we weren’t always on the best terms as friends but… Doesn’t he know how much we love him, that he’s not evil?”

“Recovery doesn’t work that way.” Doctor Martin said soothingly. “I know exactly what you mean, more than once I’ve wished I could solve it as easily as flicking a switch in his brain. But we can’t do that. Lucifer’s recovery is just that. His own. All we can do is support him, and always be there to remind him we’re here for him, and that we’ll help him through whatever pain he’s going through.”

“Are you saying that as his therapist or his friend?” Dan huffed, wiping away errant tears.

“I’m saying this as _your_ friend.” Doctor Martin said with a sad smile.

Dan sighed, but returned the smile.

“Should we be worried that he hasn’t woken up yet? I mean, I was pretty loud.”

“Lucifer can be quite the deep sleeper, I’ve found out.” Doctor Martin said. “And what he went through was extremely taxing, both physically and mentally. I’ll check him out if he still hasn’t woken in a couple hours.”

“Thanks, Doctor Martin. I’m sure this must’ve been hell on you too.”

“Linda, please.” She said. “And it’s my job. He’s entrusted me with his secrets, with parts of his soul he can’t show anyone else. My other patients understand.”

Dan nodded.

“You can go back to work if you need to.” Linda said. “I can wait with him.”

“No.” Dan said, shifting so he could grab Lucifer’s slack hand, suppressing a paternal urge to kiss his forehead. “I think I’ll stay with him a little while longer.”

* * *

Linda and Dan sat in comfortable silence, just listening to Lucifer’s even breathing.

Linda’s thoughts drifted as she sat down in a chair she’d grabbed from the kitchen. Honestly, her other patients had easier problems to deal with than perhaps the regular run-of-the-mill therapist, she often dealt with the root causes of drug addiction, of people who cheated or were cheated on, of wealthy people with secrets. And then she’d gotten the literal Devil as a client. And she found that he’d tried harder than some of her human clients. Even despite this setback, she knew how far Lucifer had come these past few weeks. He’d gone from a creature who didn’t care about humans, from someone who couldn’t be bothered to follow rules as his immortality and his species hadn’t made it a priority, to someone who cared so much about the people he hurt that he was willing to save them by ending his own life. He was a very different Devil now, and she couldn’t be more proud of his progress. She only hoped he wanted to live long enough to understand it.

After a little while, she did begin to get a little worried that Lucifer still hadn’t woken up yet. Dan had told her that he’d just passed out, but with no injuries, and he’d assumed his body had just given in to exhaustion. She wasn’t sure if he was right, or if something else was at play. She knew he didn’t have an injury that a hospital would be able to treat, and sending the Devil to a human hospital was not something she wanted to do. Amenadiel had told her that he and Maze had to go in and steal Lucifer’s blood samples and replace them with human blood samples that Maze had collected. Otherwise, the doctors would be confused by the celestial blood in their hands, and Amenadiel said celestial blood was too powerful to be allowed into the wrong hands. But she wasn’t sure if Lucifer had truly succumbed to exhaustion, as the Devil he had a much stronger endurance as he liked to brag, but what Lucifer had just gone through had to be more than exhausting. However, she knew she couldn’t let her worry show. Dan wouldn’t understand why she wasn’t going to send him to a hospital under most any circumstances.

Suddenly, she heard the door to the apartment open, and the pitter-patter of running feet. Dan turned and his smile was wide with relief. Trixie then bounded into the room, full of eight-year-old energy, Chloe close on her heels and then, before any adult could say anything, she jumped on Lucifer’s chest.

_That_ woke him up. Lucifer groaned, but at least it woke him.

“Urchin?” He mumbled, blinking the sleep out of his eyes.

“Hi, Lucifer!” Trixie’s smile was even wider than her father’s. It seemed the relief that Lucifer was alright didn’t just affect the adults.

“You’re unharmed?” Lucifer asked, sitting up a little.

Trixie then gleefully showed him a cast that now rested upon her arm. “I broke my arm, but I’m okay. It doesn’t even hurt anymore. But the doctor said it’s gonna itch soon so he gave me a scratcher.”

Lucifer tried for a smile, but when he couldn’t quite muster one, he only brought the girl to his chest in an uncharacteristic hug.

“I’m so sorry, Beatrice.” Lucifer whispered into her ear, but everyone heard him. “I never meant to scare you, and I certainly never meant to injure you in any way.”

“I know.” Trixie said, hugging Lucifer back with all of her might. “Mom said it was an accident but it scared you, and that’s why you ran away.”

“Yes, I’m sorry for that too.” Lucifer sighed. “I shouldn’t have run away from you, no matter how scared I was. I should’ve listened to Doctor Linda over there.”

She knew that while he wasn’t lying, he was simplifying it for Trixie. But she and he could unpack his actions later when they were alone.

“Ooh!” Trixie then bolted up, nearly hitting Lucifer’s chin. “Can you sign my cast?”

She threw her casted arm out.

Lucifer frowned at her.

“Mom got me some markers.” Trixie said, turning and gesturing for Chloe, who then reached into the shopping bag she was carrying and withdrew colorful markers. “So, please, I want you to do it first!”

“You want me to sign my name on your injury… to what?” Lucifer stared at her in confusion. “To take responsibility? Or perhaps to mark you as part of my flock?”

“No, silly, because it’s fun!” Trixie said.

Lucifer still looked confused.

“It’s like a wearable get well soon card.” Linda said. “Like the cards your friends sent you in the hospital.”

“Yeah, it’s like saying you love them and you want to make them happy even if they’re in a cast.” Chloe added.

“And I’m sure Trixie will be able to keep the plaster cast once it’s off,” Dan continued at Chloe’s nod, “so it’ll become a happy memory when this is over.”

Lucifer, still frowning, picked up a red marker. Trixie waited, tapping her fingers against his mattress excitedly, as Lucifer wrote swoopy letters across her cast. Once Lucifer finished, Trixie then eagerly showed her parents.

Lucifer had written in exquisite handwriting _No matter what, urchin, you will always have the Devil’s protection <3 Lucifer Morningstar_

Linda’s heart swelled with pride. This was a great sign that Lucifer had understood he’d made great progress since she’d last saw him.

Just as Chloe and Dan were finishing up signing Trixie’s cast, Maze, Amenadiel, and Lucifer’s mother came running in.

Lucifer blushed, clearly uncomfortable. “Uh, hello.”

“You asshole, you made me go all the way to Santa Monica.” Maze said, sitting on the bed, socking Lucifer on the arm as gently as a demon could. “You get to buy dinner tonight.”

“I can do that.” Lucifer gave a small smile.

“So what are these morons doing to your arm?” Maze asked Trixie, and the girl excitedly showed Maze her cast.

That broke the ice beginning to engulf them and the atmosphere relaxed. Chloe excused herself to call her lieutenant as Maze signed Trixie’s cast, mostly decorating it with knives and blood, and Lucifer’s mother joined Dan on Lucifer’s bed.

“How is he?” Amenadiel asked her.

“I can’t give a positive answer, but I’m hopeful.” Linda replied. “He’s made a lot of strides, even stumbling in recovery is to be expected. It’s not a straight path to waking up one day and being completely cured. Lucifer is gonna battle this for a long time, and as long as I’m around, I’ll help him through it.”

“Can I tell you something?” Amenadiel whispered.

Linda nodded and they left Lucifer’s room.

“I got to the only blade he would need to truly die.” Amenadiel said. “I took it out his safe.”

Linda stared at him.

“Our sister, Azrael, her blade can end the existence of any angel, or higher, that it kills.” Amenadiel explained. “Anything else would only send him back to Hell, if it hurt him at all.”

“I see.” Linda said. “Where is it right now?”

“It’s somewhere my brother can’t get it.” Amenadiel said. “I gave it back to Azrael. She loves him as much as I do, maybe more even. She won’t let him anywhere near it.”

“That’s a relief.” Linda said. “Have you told Lucifer?”

Amenadiel shook his head. “Nor my mother. So I would appreciate it if you didn’t either. I’m afraid my mother would be quite upset with my actions. But… Lucifer is getting torn apart between my parents’ fights and my own pain. Uriel wouldn’t have come down if Lucifer hadn’t been caught between my father and my mother. I don’t want to cause him any further pain, nor give him the option to hurt himself again.”

“Why don’t you want me to tell Lucifer?” Linda asked.

“I think he needs to make sure he won’t die before I do.” Amenadiel said. “I want him to think he doesn’t need it before he knows he can’t get to it anymore.”

“That’s… I can see why you chose to pretend to be a therapist when we first met.” Linda said, getting a small bit of satisfaction when Amenadiel blushed when reminded how he’d lied to her. “That’s a fair understanding of the situation.”

“Also,” Amenadiel admitted, “my mother will be very unhappy with me and I want to avoid her wrath for as long as I can.”

Linda smiled. “Your secret is safe with me.”

Amenadiel smiled, and she felt a little lighter than she did a moment ago.

Then Lucifer’s mother, Dan, and Maze were all being pushed out by Trixie.

“Lucifer fell asleep again.” Trixie said decisively. “And Maze said he wouldn’t like anyone staring at him.”

Knowing Lucifer wouldn’t be able to leave that room without anyone noticing, Linda said, “Then we better let him sleep. Come on, I think your mom is ordering food. Why don’t we go find out?

* * *

Lucifer waited until his entire family had left the room and closed the door before he opened his eyes once more, quietly thanking Maze, knowing she could hear him, for getting them out. There was a conversation he needed to have and he wanted to be alone when he had it.

“It’s good to know you care, even if it's far, far too late.”

Lucifer sighed, and got out of bed. His feet were a little tender but he just put on some slippers, another gift from the precinct to help his stay at the hospital be easier, and walked to the window. He almost wished for his balcony at Lux, but he supposed staring out the window had to do.

“I’m not quite sure what to think about you anymore. I still hate you, I still don’t wait you anywhere in my life, and I don’t want to hear what you have to say, but… you’ve thrown me off my expectations. Before Uriel, before all of this, it was so easy to hate you, to blame everything on you. But it’s not so easy anymore. I still blame you for Uriel, you should’ve stopped him before he even came down here. But… I think you regret that. And I think you don’t want to regret me. I see that now. Though you know, for someone who supposedly works in mysterious ways, you’re not all that subtle. That sleep suggestion came on a little strong, even if it did help.”

Lucifer looked up at the stars, remembering fondly as he brought the light to each one. His father had been so proud of him that day, giving him a name that he didn’t immediately hate like his original. The stars always made him feel connected to the world, why he loved driving at night, and hated being stuck in hell away from his beautiful light. It seemed tonight, the stars were shining a little brighter.

“I made a promise, Dad. You held up your end of the bargain. I think it’s time I held up mine.”

With that, he silently bid his stars and his father good night and called Linda into his room.

“Yes, Lucifer?” Linda said. “I thought you were sleeping.”

“I wanted to be alone for a moment.” Lucifer said, avoiding the lie he nearly walked into. “I’m afraid I have a confession to make.”

“I’m all ears.” Linda said, sitting in the chair now in his room.

“I made a deal with Amenadiel, though it was mostly with my father.”

“Your father?” Linda said, surprised. “Like God, your father? And he actually got back to you?”

Lucifer nodded. “I was rather shocked too. I hadn’t expected him to actually answer. But it seems Amenadiel was right. Don’t tell him I said that, I’ll never hear the end of it.”

“Your words here are always kept in confidence.” Linda recited and it did bring him some comfort to hear the words again. “So what was the deal?”

“I told him that if he could prove my dad saved me because he loved me, not just to entertain humanity, that I wouldn’t try to leave again.” Lucifer said, and he saw a glimmer of emotion in Linda’s eyes he couldn’t place. “He did something I would’ve never expected, twice actually, now that I think about it. Something that has nothing to do with humanity, something that I don’t think I can call one of his manipulations.”

“What did he do?” Linda asked.

He couldn’t fight down the blush, even though he knew Linda wouldn’t judge him.

“Lucifer, you know you can tell me anything.” Linda said. “No matter how embarrassing or weird you think it is.”

“He sang me to sleep. Like he used to do when I was a child.” Lucifer admitted, his cheeks still burning. “I didn’t recognize it, when I was in the hospital. I just thought it was the drugs, that I’d been imagining it because I couldn’t think straight. But now again, when I was with Daniel, he gave me a sleep suggestion, something that can’t be explained away by drugs or altered mental states. He used to do that a lot when I was younger, you would not believe how badly Michael snores, if he fell asleep first I was entirely screwed, so I could easily recognize his hand. And I feel… strange. It’s not him, but it is at the same time. I can tell he didn’t change my emotions but I feel calmer, like his interference helped in some way. I’m not really sure exactly how to word it.”

“And how does that make you feel?” Linda asked. “Him interfering.”

“I think this is the first time I’ve ever not despised him for doing it.” Lucifer confessed. “I definitely don’t want him to do it again, but… I don’t hate that he did this time. I guess, I kind of invited him in when I talked to Amenadiel.”

“Why did you ask for that particular deal?” Linda asked, as usual trying to get to the root of the problem. “You’ve never asked your father to interfere in your affairs as long as I’ve known you. In fact, you grow quite upset when you think he’s interfered. What made this one different?”

“I think I _wanted_ him to prove it.” Lucifer replied quietly. He knew his father could still hear, but he didn’t want anyone else to. “I _wanted_ him to interfere. I _wanted_ him to step in and save me. Like a child calling for their parents when he’s scared. Isn’t that pathetic?”

“No, Lucifer, it’s not.” Linda said. “You knew you needed a particular type external help along with your internal help. You asked for it. This is great progress, Lucifer.”

“But I hate it when he interferes in my life.” He snapped. “He’s a bastard! He kicked me out for daring to go against him, banished me to Hell for eternity, and he’s never once helped me in any way, not that I wanted it. He’s done nothing but manipulate me my entire life, trying to make me so I’m just like my siblings, obedient and mindless, always thinking he’s the ultimate answer to every problem. I hate him! Why did I ask for his help? What makes this time any different than any of the others before?”

“I think you need to answer that for yourself.”

Lucifer sighed. “I don’t think I want to.”

Linda raised an eyebrow at him.

“I’ve never tried to end my own existence before, I suppose.” Lucifer admitted, forcing himself to confront the answer he knew in his heart. “Nothing’s ever been as painful. My fall hurt but it was nothing compared to this. Physical pain doesn’t last forever, not like I thought this would. Nothing’s ever affected him the same way it affected me, I guess. This is beyond our normal expectations. And normally, I would just go back to Hell when something bad happened on Earth or get dragged there when I got caught by Amenadiel for running away. Back then, it was just easier to just go back to Hell.”

“And now?” Linda asked, a careful emotion hiding behind her words. “Do you think you’re just going to go back to Hell?”

“No, doctor.” Lucifer said, a small smile growing on his face. “I think I shall ‘stick around’, as they say. I will admit, I don’t understand it. I don’t understand why he interfered now of all time when you lot have been asking for years, when _I’ve_ been asking for years, I don’t understand why you all refuse to give up on me, even when I try to make you, I don’t know what I’ve done to deserve the love you’ve freely given me, but I do think I should like to find out why. After all, I _did_ make a deal and I am a Devil of my word.”

Linda smiled brightly and it made Lucifer’s heart beat a little faster with joy.

“That’s so good to hear, Lucifer. You’ve made incredible progress these past couple weeks. You’ve learned from your mistakes, you’ve realized you want bonds with the people who care about you, you’ve learned to let us in a little more. But, in the end, Lucifer, it’s not about deserve. People don’t always get what they deserve here. There are people that live lives of utter loneliness that deserve friends who don’t have any, and there are people who don’t deserve anything more than the karma they’ve earned but they don’t get it. In Hell, from what you’ve told me, guilt drives everything, whether a soul, for lack of a better word, _deserves_ eternal torment or not. Whether people _think_ they deserve torment or not. But that’s not how Earth works. On Earth, people always have the ability to change at any moment, for better or worse. There’s time, there’s so much time for you to change to be who you want to be, not who anyone thinks you should be. In Hell, a person’s life is over. There are no more chances to change who they are, what they would do differently. What’s done is done and cannot be undone. But you’ve got so many more chances, chances you’re already taking. People who don’t want to change don’t come to therapy. You weren’t forced or mandated to come, you _choose_ to come every week, you _choose_ to let me in every day. You’ve made that choice, and you make it each and every time one of our appointments come up.”

“I’m sorry I haven’t been the best patient at those appointments.” Lucifer said, and found he truly meant it. “Especially lately.”

“No one ever really is.” Linda said. “If you’re always a good patient, mentally sound and never upset for any reason, you’re not learning anything. You’re skating by without changing your behavior. But _you’re_ not. You’re changing your behavior, one bit at a time. It’s okay that it’s a process, Lucifer. What matters is you’re trying, and we all see that.”

Lucifer smiled, and it felt like a burden he’d been carrying for months, years even, had finally been released from his shoulders. He wasn’t sure when the weight had been added, but it felt so good to be _finally_ be free from it.

“What were you all doing before I called you in here?” Lucifer asked.

“We were deciding on where we wanted to eat while Maze was figuring out Trixie’s cast.” Linda said. “I think she’s trying to make it a weapon for Trixie to train with.”

“I think I should like to join you all, if you’ll have me. Do you have room for one more?”

Linda’s brilliant smile told him all he needed to know.

“Always, Lucifer.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Psst- we're pretending that that's how fast broken bones are plastered (I know there's usually a soft cast first) so for plot reasons, pretend that's medically accurate. Also, I am not a therapist, so I am trying my best with Linda. If anything isn't accurate or even helpful, that's my bad. Sorry.
> 
> So here's the thing guys- either I'm gonna end it at nine (one more plot related and epilogue type chapter) or I'm not. I have no idea whatsoever. I keep coming up with new ideas, most of them coming from your comments! So if you have ideas of where you want this go or if you want me to keep going, please let me know! Even if it's not the idea you originally give, I could still use the help!
> 
> Liked it? Hated it? Let me know! Seriously! I am a humble trash goblin and I crave that external validation.


	8. Lucifer On The Couch

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lucifer has a very _revealing_ conversation with Linda

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again, I'm not a therapist, and it's been a while since I've seen one, so I'm sure Linda isn't the most accurate depiction of a therapist. I tried my best. Please understand that I only have my own life to draw from and that's why Linda says these things. Because... honestly, these are things I wish I would've been told in response to my own issues. I'm trying y'all, that's all I can say.
> 
> Also, I'm sorry this chapter is a bit more of the lesser quality. I tried, and I tried proofreading annnnnnndddd I'm no good at it. So this is what you're getting. If this isn't what you signed up for, I get it.

“I thought I was past this!” Lucifer shouted, digging his hands into his eyes in frustration. “I made a decision not to die! Why do I still feel this way?”

“A decision isn’t recovery.” Linda said soothingly. “It certainly helps but it’s not the same as now being magically okay. That’s not going to happen.”

Lucifer huffed, unwilling to look Linda in the eyes.

“So, let me ask again, why _didn’t_ you show them your devil face?” Linda repeated. “You had plenty of chances, especially with Dan. And yet you chose not to.”

“I wasn’t exactly thinking clearly.” Lucifer retorted, staring at the corner of Linda’s glasses.

While he was grateful for Linda, and the love and care she had shown in trying to help him, often his sessions with her could get… intense, even for him. Especially now, with him not working at the precinct, he didn’t have anywhere to rush off to when he made a discovery he didn’t particularly like and Linda had stopped letting him redirect the conversation to the cases Chloe told him about when he started to get uncomfortable with himself.

“No, you weren’t but I still think you should know why you didn’t show them.” Linda said. “You’ve been telling them you’re the Devil for years now, and when you had the chance, you didn’t show them.”

Lucifer sighed. “I think, I was thinking that I wanted them to think that _I_ was evil, that it had nothing to do with my devil face.”

“What makes you separate the two?” Linda asked. “You don’t separate them with me.”

“You already saw my Devil face, doctor, and I nearly broke you.” Lucifer retorted.

“It took me a while to adjust.” Linda sighed. “But I _did_ adjust. And from what you’ve told me, you weren’t in the headspace to comprehend those differences. You didn’t show Chloe, and you didn’t show Dan. So, why didn’t you show them your devil face?”

“I guess… I wasn’t acting as the Devil when Uriel died, it had nothing to do with it.” Lucifer admitted. “I became the Devil when I went against my father, and even though he didn’t want me dead, didn’t want either of us dead, this really had nothing to do with him. Uriel wasn’t on a mission from my father, he just wanted to be a good son. And though I… I wasn’t a good brother, I wasn’t the Devil, I wasn’t the Fallen Angel, I wasn’t my father’s greatest disappointment. I was just… Lucifer.”

“And now?” Linda asked. “What do you feel about your father?”

Lucifer groaned. “I’d rather not talk about him.”

“No, Lucifer, these things are intrinsically connected.” She pressed on. “How you feel about your father and your devil face and why you didn’t show Dan or Chloe when you could’ve. If you’d shown them, Lucifer, Chloe might not have called everyone to search for you, Dan might not have talked you down. You had the chance to show them you _could be considered_ unredeemable evil. You’re not by the way, your Devil face doesn’t make you evil, but I know how you would’ve taken their hesitance, just as you took mine. So, what do you think about your father, Lucifer?”

“I still hate him.” He spat. “I still don’t want him anywhere near me, anywhere in my life!”

“Lucifer, what if he wants to make up with you?” She asked. “I know you may not want to, and you have no obligation to try, but what if this is his way of reaching out? Of trying?”

“It’s not.” He said darkly.

“Would you be willing if it was?” She tried.

“If it was, sure.” He conceded. “But it’s _not_. I know my father, doctor, I know him better than any human ever would. My father isn’t capable of reaching out. That would mean admitting he was wrong. My father created humanity in his image for a _reason_. He can never admit he made a mistake, it’s always my fault, my mom’s fault, my siblings’ fault, even _humanity’s_ fault. Never his own. There’s a reason he doesn’t talk to any of my siblings anymore. He didn’t have them to make Mom happy, or because he wanted kids, but because he wanted more of himself running around. He sees us as… extensions of himself, basically. If it doesn’t have to do with praising him in any way, in every possible way, he doesn’t want to hear it. And I’m tired of it, doctor. I’m tired of trying, I was tired of tired before I even left Heaven. Why do you think I started a Rebellion?!? Because I trusted my father to always be right in every decision he’s ever made?!?”

“Why _did_ you start the Rebellion?” She asked, and he was thrown by the question. “Human texts say that you hated humanity, were jealous of the attention God gave us, but obviously that’s not true.”

“That’s Paradise Lost, not the Bible, not that that’s any better.” He muttered, trying and failing to understand the logic of the doctor’s question. “I started the Rebellion because I wanted the Free Will to make my own decisions, decisions that didn’t need to be dictated by him. I wanted the power to make my own mistakes, to change my own life, to have what he so callously gave the humans but not his own children.” Lucifer stood as he ranted. “I wanted the choice, that if I was going to be evil, it was going to be on my terms and not anyone else’s! I hate that he put this burden on me, I hate that he didn’t give me a choice on being the Devil! He put me on the line for humanity’s sins and I don’t want them! If I’m going to be evil, it’s-”

Lucifer slowly sat down as realization hit him like a truck.

“I didn’t show them because I wanted them to see me, beyond the Devil. I wanted them to see me as evil without the burden of being the Devil. I killed my own brother, that had nothing to do with the Devil, had nothing to do with the divine. This struggle is as old as Cain and Abel, who were _both_ dicks by the way. My brother and I were fighting, and I won the fight. I wish he wasn’t dead, I want him back more than my own life, but in the end, it was _my_ choice. I was too scared to lose someone else I cared for, I thought Uriel would have a way out, he always had a way out, a pattern he could use, but he didn’t. I chose to fight him, knowing that, but hoping to win anyway. Whether I was justified, whether I meant to do it or not, I ended my own brother’s life. That’s my own sin, not my father’s, not humanity’s, not the Devil’s. I wanted them to see me for _my_ sins. That’s why I didn’t show them, didn’t even think of my Devil face. My Devil face is because I fell. Uriel was all me.”

“Do you see, Lucifer?” She smiled, and Lucifer knew she was proud of him, not laughing at him. “This is genuine progress. Unraveling these patterns of denial is the first step toward resolving these issues.”

“Please, doctor, don’t- don’t say pattern.” He flinched.

“One of those days?” She asked gently.

He nodded.

“Alright, I won’t say it again.”

He was grateful that Linda had allowed him to figure out that patterns were becoming something he could barely bare, as a reminder of Uriel. Too many memories of his brother had to do with Uriel’s ability to see patterns.

“Did I tell you Dan calls it autism?” He asked, knowing she’d see the distraction clearly for what it was but he still has to try.

“Yes you have.” She said. “But I think we should get back to you. You’re making real progress, Lucifer, I don’t want you to lose it because you’re afraid of these answers.”

“I’m not afraid, I just…” He muttered, losing his train of thought.

“You just don’t want to face yourself?” She filled in.

“I’ve been blaming my father for so long…” His voice cracked, his heart aching. “I want to go back to blaming him.”

“You can’t.” She said, her lack of mentioning his next breakdown a balm to his fractured psyche. “Do you really believe your entire life will be better and easier if you do?”

“With every fiber of my being, but I also know it's a lie.” He replied. “A grand deception I've been telling myself for since before I can remember, before the Rebellion, before even Heaven itself.”

“That’s a long time to lie to yourself.” She admitted. “Why do you _think_ you've been lying to yourself for so long?”

“Because the truth is so much harder to face.” He murmured, feeling the tears brewing behind his eyes. “The real truth is…”

“What _is_ the real truth?” She asked. “This will weigh on you unless you face it head on.”

“It all comes back to me.” He whispered, letting the tears flow down. “There’s something _wrong_ with me, there always has been. Since my creation, I’ve always been the odd one out, the one who won’t shut up, who asks too many questions, who challenges Father on a constant basis for petty things, who cannot love in the proper way! It’s not just humanity’s sins I have on my shoulders, I have done so many things, so many terrible things that I cannot see any other connection except myself! I bring these things upon myself, it’s my own fault! Because the truth, the real truth is, if I'm doing this to myself, then what kind of angel am I? I find it near impossible to drown out the constant cacophony of voices whispering in my ear, telling me I am a monster, that I am broken, that I am evil! And I can't stop asking myself why do I hate myself so much?”

“That’s a lot of feelings to unpack.” She said, ready with her pen for her notes. “But, in the end, this is a good thing.”

“I hate myself, doctor, how can this be good?” He nearly shouted, in the back of his mind glad that the urchin was out with her parents’.

“Because now, we’re at the root of the problem.” She said, still calm. “Many people don’t go straight to killing themselves when something traumatic happens. Your brother’s death sent you into a spiral, a spiral you couldn’t get out of, a spiral you didn’t want to get out of because of how you see yourself. You instantly blamed yourself, even though you could’ve easily shifted the blame to your father or Uriel. You’re seeing yourself without lying to yourself for the first time. That’s why this is a good thing.”

“Did you know?” He asked, still looking at the corner of her glasses. “When you first met me? Is that why you took me as a client?”

“No.” She soothed. “No, I didn’t. Therapists don’t have the innate ability to diagnose a person on sight. I had to learn right alongside you with how you feel.”

“Why, doctor, _why_ do I hate myself?” He begged, though he wasn’t really sure who he was talking to. “I know what I’ve done-”

“That’s just it.” She interrupted before he could spiral. “You still think in terms of deserve, we can definitely work on that in the future. It’ll take work to undo the trauma you’ve internalized, but I know you can do it. Now, I’m guessing a lot here, I’m not the expert on your family I thought I was before your reveal, but I can still see a lot of your trauma comes from your father. He made you think you deserved being banished to Hell for eternity for disobeying him.”

“But I didn’t think that!” He protested. “I hated him for banishing me, for my Fall.”

“Then why did it take you up until now to find a home here on Earth? Why not try to go back to Heaven, if you thought you belonged there? Why did you stay for so long to rule in Hell if, at least, a small part of you didn’t think you deserved to be there? Because _he_ put you there?”

“Well, only a celestial can… only an angel… I didn’t…” Lucifer sputtered for a moment, but he knew he didn’t have an answer to the doctor’s question.

“Lucifer,” She sighed, “your father is God. The literal creator of the universe, _your_ creator. The man who raised you. How he raised you, and all of your siblings, is going to affect you, just as it would anyone else. You weren’t born with these ideas and behaviors, they were learned, just as anyone else learns trauma. And our human culture certainly hasn’t helped in that regard.”

“What?” He snorted sarcastically. “With the fact that you were created to do nothing but fuel his ego?”

“Yes, exactly” She surprised him by agreeing. “You live in a culture that praises your abusive father, across the world, in several different ways. That _affects_ you, Lucifer. Even if it _is_ human.”

“It’s not supposed to affect me!” He shouted. “I’m an angel! I’m supposed to be above this! I’m supposed to be better than this!”

“Why?”

“Because I- I… I..” Lucifer trailed off, a blush rushing to his cheeks.

“I ask why, not just because I think you need to analyze where that information is coming from, but also because I’ve just heard you refer to yourself as an angel twice now without correcting yourself or honestly, even noticing.”

His heart sank to the floor.

“He’s doing it again.” He murmured. “He’s in my head, _again_. I let him in my head with that stupid…”

“Lucifer?” Her voice was almost distant to his ears.

“No!” He shouted. “He doesn’t get to choose for me again! He doesn’t get to be in my head again! I’ve hated myself to please him long enough! I’m not an angel, I’m the Devil! I am the Devil of my own making and that’s who I want to be!”

Suddenly, a burning pain whited out his vision. His back burned just as it did during his Fall, and he couldn’t contain the screams echoing around his throat. Then, just as suddenly, the pain vanished.

It seemed his vision was still whited out. Because he could’ve sworn he saw the very wings he’d cut off years ago spread out across Chloe’s living room. They glowed with divinity, his white feathers glistening in the light. As the pain receded in his back, he could feel the nerves sing as what had once been lost had been found again. With a small muscle contraction, he fluttered his wings.

_They were back._

“Oh.”

He sank to his knees, unable to notice the doctor trying and failing to stop his descent. He hit the ground hard, eyes fluttering closed as he sank into darkness.

* * *

Chloe had been having a very good day. She and Dan had the same day off this weekend, so they could both take Trixie to a nice brunch while Lucifer was having his daily session with Linda. For a moment, for many moments today as Dan made her and Trixie laugh, she was reminded of how lucky she was. She had a good relationship with her ex now, something not every divorced mother could say, a beautiful, wonderful daughter, and a devil of a man living in her house. Even though she missed him at the station, having Lucifer be at home, cooking some expensive food he had ordered, always ready with a quip or a smile had seriously helped her. Especially now that Lucifer told them that he had made a decision to stay with them for as long as they’d have him. And she knew they all wanted him to stay for as long as he lived, however long that was.

She pulled into her driveway.

“Monkey, can you wait in the car for a moment?” Chloe asked. “I just want to make sure that he and Linda are done for the day, her car is still here.”

“Okay, Mom.” Trixie chirped, her spirit unable to darken today. It made her heart feel so full of love.

“I’ll go with you.” Dan said, unbuckling his own seatbelt. “I gotta talk to her about next week’s schedule, with Johnson calling out sick.”

As soon as she shut the door, she heard Lucifer shouting which soon dissolved into agonized screaming.

Chloe’s blood ran cold, and she and Dan both ran to the door.

“Of course the one day we don’t have our guns.” Dan muttered to himself.

“Lucifer!” She shouted, unlocking the door.

Lucifer’s screams went silent. Dan and Chloe shared a look as she and Dan ran inside.

She stopped. Her heart stopped.

There lay Lucifer, unconscious in Linda’s lap, with two blinding white, feathery _wings_ attached to his back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SOooooOOOOooooOOOo!
> 
> Yeah. That. Y'all asked for it. Here it is, even if it's not in the best format. Let me know if you liked it, or hated it, or whatever you thought of it. I hope I did y'all proud. I don't even know anymore. I'll shut up now. Bye.


	9. Dangerous and Drastic

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Linda deals with the reactions of two humans suddenly exposed to the divine, and Lucifer deals with getting his wings back

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For those who celebrate Hanukkah, I hope you're having a fabulous and safe Hanukkah this year.
> 
> For those who celebrate Christmas, here's an early Christmas present.
> 
> For those who don't celebrate either, or aren't celebrating this time of year when you end up reading it, have a great day and be as happy as you can be.

Linda was trying to get ahold of Maze again when Amenadiel knocked on the door.

“Thank goodness you’re here.” Linda said. “I am not doing this alone.”

Amenadiel frowned at her, following her into the living room. All of them were just where Linda had left them, with Dan angrily muttering to himself, though his eyes betrayed the shock in his heart, and Chloe was sat on the couch with a shell-shocked expression on her face.

“And Lucifer?” Amenadiel whispered, trying not to disturb the scene.

Linda pointed to Lucifer’s bedroom, where she, Dan, and Chloe had somehow been able to manhandle Lucifer to his bed. Linda had googled folding wings, ending up with the instructions for a cockatoo since it was the closest thing she could find, and by some miracle, she’d gotten Lucifer’s wings to fold against his back.

“Is that…” Amenadiel started.

“Yeah.” Linda nodded.

And Trixie was right where she left her, snuggled close on Lucifer’s chest. The child had been completely unfazed by the wings, tucking herself into his right one. She’d tried to get her parents’ attention, but since both of them were now comprehending the true facts of the universe and Lucifer’s place in it, she couldn’t quite get their attention. But once she’d noticed the still unconscious Lucifer, and Lucifer’s _wings_, she’d decided the Devil needed her more and climbed on top of his bed to cuddle him.

“And how long have they been like this?” Amenadiel asked.

“Since they saw the wings, really.” She answered. “They were both in shock when they helped me carry him to his room, and haven’t broken out of it yet.”

Apparently jinxing herself, neither had noticed they were there until Dan paced straight into Amenadiel.

“You! You knew!” Dan shouted, coming back to himself a bit. “The entire time you knew and you didn’t tell us! Man, I trusted you! I thought you were my friend! I let you around my daughter!”

Dan’s shouts drew Chloe’s attention.

“You lied to me.” Chloe snapped, her voice staying level but the hatred behind her words increased. “You made me feel crazy about what I knew I saw! I saw Lucifer walk off bullets, and you made me feel crazy! You said _he_ was crazy! You lied to me, you gaslit me!”

Amenadiel put his hands up in defense. “Look, I understand why you’re upset, but let me check on Lucifer first and then I’ll answer your questions and… accusations, all right?”

Chloe nodded, though she still glared at him.

“Whatever.” Dan mumbled.

Amenadiel left the two to stew in their own anger, going into Lucifer’s bedroom. Linda followed, in case Amenadiel needed any medical help.

“Why are Mom and Dad yelling?” Trixie asked as they came in.

“Well, uh-” Amenadiel hesitated, “Because I haven’t been the best friend lately.”

“That’s mean.” Trixie stated.

“I’m working on it.” Amenadiel muttered. “Can I see him?”

With ease, Trixie hopped down without waking Lucifer.

Amenadiel placed a hand gently over Lucifer’s forehead. Lucifer didn’t move.

“How are _you_ feeling, Trixie?” She asked, hoping to take her mind off of her unconscious friend.

Trixie shrugged. “Fine, I guess. I was giving Lucifer cuddles. My teacher said cuddles release dopa-meens and that makes people happy.”

“I’m sure Lucifer appreciates it.” Linda said, unable to fight the smile on her face.

“Why aren’t you upset, child?” Amenadiel asked, still seemingly focused on Lucifer.

“Why would I be?” Trixie shrugged again. “He _said_ he was the Devil. And when Maze took me trick-or-treating a while ago, when Mom and Dad had to work, she used magic to make her face all awesome and scary so it wasn’t hard.”

Linda marveled at the amazing ability children have to be so incredibly perceptive yet still taking everyone at their word.

“I’m not quite sure why he’s still unconscious, but it doesn’t look to be too serious, and I don’t think he’s injured.” Amenadiel said.

“Why didn’t you check him out, Doctor Linda?” Trixie asked.

And she also marveled at how blunt children could be.

“Because Amenadiel’s an angel so he knows angel sicknesses better.” Linda replied.

“But Lucifer’s the Devil.” Trixie stated, almost protectively.

“Devil sicknesses too.” Linda amended.

Trixie nodded, satisfied. “Can I see _your_ wings?”

Amenadiel froze.

“Please?” Trixie clasped her hands together, putting on quite the puppy eyes.

“You know what,” Dan’s voice surprised them, “I think I’d like to see them too.”

Amenadiel hesitated, but then even Chloe came up with a decisive nod.

“All right.” Amenadiel relented. “But this is not for the faint of heart.”

Amenadiel went to the living room, and they all followed. Both Chloe and Dan kept a hand on Trixie’s shoulder. With a nigh pained groan, Amenadiel showed them his wings.

His dark grey wings didn’t shine like Lucifer’s feathers, they were covered in blood, and many were missing.

Linda gasped.

“What happened to your wings?” Trixie asked. “Why are they dying?”

“Trixie.” Chloe scolded on instinct.

“It’s alright.” Amenadiel said, putting his wings away. “I haven’t been a very good angel lately, or even a good friend, so that makes my wings sick.”

The adults could clearly tell that there was more to the story but understood he was simplifying it for Trixie, who nodded.

“If your wings are sick, can Lucifer’s get sick too? Does his wings need more dopa-meens?”

“You know, I’m sure it couldn’t hurt.” Linda encouraged.

Chloe looked hesitant but allowed her daughter out of her grasp to go to Lucifer.

“I’m still really fricking angry with you,” Dan growled, “but… I’ve just been through Hell and back with your brother, so, are you okay?”

“I’m fine, Dan. I’m just turning mortal.” Amenadiel sighed.

“Oh God, oh-” Dan’s voice choked. “There’s a Hell, there’s an actual Hell to compare to, oh my Gosh.”

“Ask Linda.” Amenadi said, and Linda wasn’t pleased with how he threw her under the bus. “Lucifer already told her all about Hell.”

Both Dan and Chloe turned to her, fury written on their faces.

“He told me during a session.” Linda said simply. “Doctor-patient confidentiality.”

What little logic they still had control of had them both nodding.

“I get it.”

“I understand.”

Amenadiel opened his mouth to protest at their reactions, though he eventually closed it. She knew he didn’t understand why they weren’t giving her the same interrogation. She had to keep from smirking, as Amenadiel’s frustration gave her a bit of schadenfreude.

* * *

Lucifer could feel them before he woke up. He’d gone so long without them that his nature was overjoyed at their reunification, and it made part of him feel like he had come home. He despised it though, and he hated himself for feeling that way. His wings returning were nothing to celebrate, no matter what his phantom pains thought. He could barely contain his anger without letting his emotions bleed over into his wings. No one got to know what he was thinking, just because they could see his feathers all puffed up.

He opened his eyes to see himself with an armful of child. Trixie was snuggled up close to him, though she wasn’t asleep.

“Spawn?” He murmured.

“You’re awake!” Trixie said happily. “I was giving you dopa-meens!”

Instead of trying to figure out what she meant, he simply scooped up the child. She giggled at his touch, as he set her off to his side as gently as he could. He didn’t want to hurt the child in his anger.

“Thank you, spawn.” He said, patting her head. He wasn’t really sure how to show her the affection she clearly craved but he had business with his father so he needed something quick.

He pushed past his humans, who were next to his brother for some reason, and stormed outside.

“You don’t get to control me anymore!” He shouted at the sky. “You don’t get to be in my head, I am officially kicking you out! I don’t want these! I got rid of them before, and I can get rid of them again! Curse you, I’m cutting them off!”

He stalked back inside, where Dan and Chloe stared at him with wide eyes and shocked expressions.

“Oh.” Lucifer stopped. “Oh you know.”

They nodded.

“I see.” Lucifer felt a pang of guilt at how his humans found out about his true angelic nature, but he easily gave it to his father. His father no doubt knew that Dan and Chloe were close when he decided to pull this stunt so it was all his fault.

“Excuse me.” Lucifer said at last. “I need to do something.”

“Are you really going to cut your wings off?” Chloe asked, her voice small.

“I fully intend to do so, yes.” Lucifer unconsciously puffed out his own chest as his very feathers ruffled in indignation. “I won’t let him control me. These are not a gift, they’re a curse, and I will remove them as soon as I can find something to do it.”

“Don’t! Please don’t.” Dan pleaded.

“Why?” Lucifer snapped, his anger at his father casting unwelcome shadows across his humans. “Because you think they’re pretty?”

“Because they’re _attached_ to you!” Dan shouted.

Lucifer startled, confused. No one had ever given him that reason before.

“Lucifer, please, don’t say you want to cut a literal body part off.” Chloe continued. “That’s… horrific to even think about.”

“It’s like someone just said they wanted to cut off their right arm!” Dan finished. “Or they didn’t want to see anymore.”

“I’ll not let him control me.” Lucifer growled, a familiar sense of desperation and defensiveness edging at his heart.

“Then we’ll find a different way!” Chloe said. “Maybe we can get them surgically removed! I don’t know. But not like this! Please!”

“Lucifer, Chlo and I are already dealing with all this angel/devil stuff, and the fact that we’re friends with the Devil, and angel and apparently a demon.” Dan said, his eyes as desperate as his voice. “Please don’t add self- mutilation to that list.”

“It’s not _that_ bad.” Lucifer scoffed. “I cut them off once, I can cut them off again.”

Within an instant, both Chloe and Dan looked very sick to their stomachs.

“Your scars.” Dan gasped. “_That’s_ what made those scars? On your back?”

“Yes, Daniel, try to keep up.” Lucifer snapped, unable to help himself.

“You’re less sympathetic this time.” Linda said, speaking for the first time since he woke up. “With me, you graciously answered every question I had, and tried very hard to be patient.”

Lucifer rolled his eyes, frustrated that his humans couldn’t see how his wings were not a gift and how he _needed_ to be rid of them. “Well, there’s a massive crisis this time!”

Linda stepped forward, her eyebrow raised, challenging him to go deeper.

“You lot can’t help this time!” Lucifer defensiveness shot up about fifty levels. “Or won’t help as the case may be. With Uriel, you tried to help and I appreciated that. This time, I need an immediate solution to my father’s poison. Where’s Maze? She did it before, I can order her to do it again.”

“Unavailable.” Linda replied, taking another small step forward. “She’s on a bounty, isn’t answering her phone. She’s been taking a bit more than usual to deal with her emotions.”

“Blast it!” Lucifer spat. “She’s a demon, she shouldn’t be- Brother?”

“Absolutely not, Lucifer!” Amenadiel said. “I will not cut your wings off when I am denied mine.”

“Well, aren’t you being selfish?” Lucifer sneered. “Helping others might get you your own wings back.”

Amenadiel cocked an eyebrow in disbelief.

“Yeah, that was a long shot but I had to try.” Lucifer muttered. “Do you think Mum-”

“Are you kidding? You want to tell Mom your wings are back?” Amenadiel shouted. “Actually, I think we really don’t want to tell Mom. She hasn’t even noticed the blade is missing and I don’t-”

“The blade is missing?” Lucifer caught. “Are we going to have another hot potato murder spree?”

Amenadiel shook his head. “It’s somewhere safe.”

“What about Miss Lopez?” Lucifer started, making a mental note to come back later to the discussion of their sister’s blade. “No, of course not, she’d get the reveal too, and I don’t want to hurt her either.”

“Lucifer, why are you so intent on removing your wings?” Linda asked. “You’ve told me how much the first time hurt.”

“He wants me to be an angel again.” Lucifer growled. “At least, I think. I’m never one hundred percent sure what the man wants me to do, especially since I left Heaven. What other reason could he have for this?”

“I don’t know, Luci,” Amenadiel sighed, “but if you don’t want to be an angel, don’t! But don’t cut off your own wings! Don’t throw them away like their garbage.”

“They may as well be!” Lucifer shouted. “I don’t want his gifts! I don’t want anything from him! Every time I think I’m out from under his damn thumb, he’s right there, reminding me just how powerful he is! How I cannot escape him! I want to be free of him! I want to be free of these damn things!”

“Is there any other way?” Chloe pleaded with him, and his anger guarding his heart cracked a little at the tears in her eyes. “Cutting them off seems like a dangerous and drastic measure, there must be some other way.”

“You don’t understand.” Lucifer sighed, trying to rein in his emotions. “I have to do this now, to protect you! Humans are easily influenced by the Divine, the last man who saw my wings nearly went mad after looking at them. You don’t know what it does to humans, what’s it probably doing to you now! Do you understand, my dears, that I cannot trust anything you’re saying or thinking because you’ve seen my wings? If it was my devil face, that’d be different. Humans don’t ever want to see that again, it scares them too much.”

“Devil face?” Chloe asked.

Lucifer sighed. “All right, since you already saw the wings, I guess I’m explaining this _now_. My appearance on Earth, as you see it, is called a glamour. It means I can look like what I used to do when I was an angel, before I Fell. It’s… magic, for lack of a better word. My Fall was rather literal, you see. If I could die by such measures, I would’ve burned up when I entered the atmosphere, but I could feel it. My devil face is what is left of me after I finally landed. In the lake of fire.”

Chloe and Dan stared at him in horror.

“See? This is why I never showed you!” Lucifer said. “Mortals weren’t meant for this knowledge! It consumes you until there’s nothing left, and I didn’t want to hurt you. I never lie, I often hope that will be enough, but you’ve mocked people who’ve seen me, who’ve really seen me, either those with mental illnesses or those I’ve accidentally or not so accidentally shown so part of me knows it won’t be. My devil face isn’t exactly for repeat viewing, ask Linda.”

He gestured to the doctor, who was staring at him with a calculating look in her eyes. He didn’t like that look.

“Show me.” Chloe demanded, showing a strength he didn’t expect from her now.

“I wanna see it.” Dan said. “It can’t be any worse than the wings.”

“Oh but I assure you, it very much can.” Lucifer said. “Detective, do you remember our first case? Dear Jimmy? And you know what happened to him.”

“I still want to see it.” Chloe said adamantly. “We’re your friends, Lucifer, honestly, at this point, you’re our family. You love my daughter as much as we do, you’ve literally given a stranger the clothes off your back, you have been paying our rent since you started living here, don’t think I haven’t noticed, I just let it slide because you obviously didn’t want to make a big deal out of it, and even now you’re trying to protect us. You have done enough for us, Lucifer. Let us do this for you.”

Unbidden tears started to well up in his eyes, but this time, he let them fall. They’d already seen his feathers reacting with him, it was a wonder none of them commented on them.

“I don’t want to lose you.” Lucifer gasped out, cursing his own weakness and at the same time a small part of him was congratulating himself on being open with his emotions.  
That part sounded like Linda.

“You won’t.” Chloe said. “We’re asking. You’re not trying to scare us, or push us away. You’re holding on, Lucifer. We’re not letting go.”

He breathed out a gasp, trying to steady his nerves.

“We’re not leaving, no matter what we see.” Dan said, and another crack appeared.

“Not the spawn.” He whispered, though he knew they would hear him. “She’s still watching and I’ll not scare her. I can’t, she’s too… just tell her to go away.”

He had seen Trixie peek out behind the door frame she had been hiding behind, trying to figure out what the adults’ were arguing about. But he couldn’t show her. She was the only truly innocent thing in his life, and he wasn’t ruining her.

“Monkey, I need you to close the door and don’t open it until Mom or Dad says it’s okay.” Chloe said, putting on her Mom voice, lowering herself to Trixie’s level.

“I want to see it!” Trixie pouted, coming out of her hiding place. “You get to.”

“Well, Lucifer says it might be scary.” Chloe explained.

“You know how Mom or I have to see a PG-13 movie before you do?” Dan said, joining Chloe. “Because we need to make sure you don’t get nightmares?”

Trixie frowned, but nodded.

“It’s just like that.” Chloe soothed, stroking her daughter’s hair. “We’re gonna trust Lucifer’s judgement and make sure it’s not too scary for you. Okay?”

Trixie huffed but nodded. “If it’s not too scary, then can I see it?”

“No.” Lucifer stated.

“We’ll see.” Chloe amended, trying to appease her daughter. “After all, it is Lucifer’s decision. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but someday.”

Trixie groaned as she closed the door. “Adults always say that. Means I’ll never get to see it.”

“That’s a good thing.” Lucifer muttered.

“I think this is good, Lucifer.” Linda whispered to him. "They truly want to see your devil face."

“Until they run for the hills like you did.” He snapped at her.

Linda sighed.

Lucifer broke eye contact with her, unable to look into her hurt eyes.

“Well, I think we’re all ready.” Linda said when Dan and Chloe rejoined them, after making sure Trixie couldn’t sneak a peek.

“All, Doctor?” He asked her.

“All.” Linda nodded.

He gave her a small genuine smile, nodded, closed his eyes, and dropped his glamour.

“So is there like a ritual or…” Dan’s voice was hesitant, unsure.

Lucifer’s eyes flew open, and Chloe and Dan gasped quietly. His eyes were red, that must he could see, but why hadn’t they seen…

“It can’t be gone.” Lucifer muttered, mostly to himself. “He can’t have taken that too.”

“Lucifer, maybe you’re just overthinking it.” Linda said. “Try again.”

He centered himself, did his best to calm his racing heartbeat, and again, ignited the magic to drop his glamour.

No horrified gasps, no screams, no reaction at all.

He had the wings of an angel, and the broken heart of the Devil. His devil face was _gone_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So you know how I said this was becoming it's own monster? Well, this is what I meant. When I first started this back in October, I had no idea what I was apparently getting myself into. I didn't know I'd be doing a reveal fic with wings and all this lovely junk before you. I thought I'd be doing a few chapters and nothing more. And then you all spoke and said this is what you wanted so I hope this is what you all want. I'm writing from my own mind, there's a reason I relate super hard to Lucifer in this show, for multiple reasons actually, so I'm doing my best.
> 
> If/when Lucifer does actually cut his wings off (I make no promises, I still have no idea what I'm doing for the next chapter let alone the whole thing so keep sending those questions/ideas- I write when I have time, and since I'm on day five of eleven of work it might be soon it might not be it all depends on how many customers I get at work) I will tag anything for triggers in the beginning notes (if anyone has any suggestions or if I miss anything just let me know)
> 
> Well, we've come to that part again. Did you like it? Hate it? Who knows? But I want to! So please leave a kudos or comment down below. They mean the world to me.


	10. Music of Heaven Venom of God

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan couldn’t seem to stop running his hands through Lucifer's feathers, gently, and Linda had copied when she saw how it relaxed Lucifer to be groomed once again. They'd even pushed some of the furniture around to give Lucifer’s wings more room. All in all, it was a rather snuggly scene.
> 
> Lucifer wanted to _scream_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone.
> 
> I... have no excuse for myself. More at the end notes.

Humans are remarkable creatures, Lucifer supposed.

They're the only creatures Lucifer knew of who, after finding out the truth about the Divine and nearly breaking their brains, could somehow manage to get through it enough to get him on his back, with Chloe behind him, with her hands in his hair and Linda and Dan, with Trixie asleep in his lap, beside him, with Lucifer's wings facing them. Dan couldn’t seem to stop running his hands through Lucifer's feathers, gently, and Linda had copied when she saw how it relaxed Lucifer to be groomed once again. They'd even pushed some of the furniture around to give Lucifer’s wings more room. All in all, it was a rather snuggly scene.

Lucifer wanted to _scream_.

His body was relaxed, nearly against his will, because his angelic instincts were satisfied, angelic instincts he'd denied for _so_ long that he no longer had any control over when they were satisfied. His humans had become his flock, and grooming was an essential part of angelic nature. They had no idea of course, Amenadiel hadn’t told them before he left to do… _some_thing. With Chloe's hands in his hair, with Dan and Linda softly stroking his wings, it was hard enough to focus on his rage and pain at his Father, at existence, let alone figure out where his brother had gone. He made sure to keep his rage though. This whole situation was happening because of his father, was happening because He never respected Lucifer at all, and He refused to let Lucifer alone.

“You know, while this is rather delightful, I really just wish you'd let me at Maze’s stuff. She has to have a knife in there somewhere.”

“Absolutely not.” Chloe’s voice was soft but firm. Her hands scratched at his scalp, and he had to bite back the contented sound about to escape his mouth. “There has to be another way. One that doesn’t involve you sawing at body parts with one of Maze’s unsterile knives.”

“You don’t understand.” Lucifer muttered, the anger in his body unable to get fully through the indulgent satisfaction his body was living for. “There isn’t any other way. I cut them off once. I can cut them off again. It didn’t hurt as much as I thought it would, I'll be all right.”

“Lucifer, I think you're missing the point.” Linda murmured as she kept her rhythm repetitive. “Cutting off a part of your body is not healthy.”

“It’s not really a part of me, though.” Lucifer replied. “Not like my devil face was.”

“Will they bleed when you cut them?” Linda asked. “Do you feel what we’re doing to them?”

“Yes.” He admitted.

“Then they are a part of your body.” Linda replied. “And cutting them off is not healthy.”

“You don’t understand.” He mumbled, frustration bubbling up underneath the angelic thrum of contentment. “I won't let him control me like this anymore. Just because he doesn’t want me in nonexistence doesn’t mean he gets to do this once again. I controlled them by cutting them off, he doesn’t get to refute that. Not after everything I've gone through to get here.”

“How can wings control you?” Dan asked quietly. “Like, can he make you fly somewhere or something?”

Lucifer sighed. “No, no that’s not it. My wings are my own, for the most part. My brothers and sisters can make their own decisions about where they fly, and dear old Dad didn’t intervene when Uriel flew down here so I can assume that my wings will only follow my commands, but I can't be entirely sure.”

“So that’s why you're upset?” Chloe asked. “Because he can control you?”

“No, you don’t understand.” Lucifer groaned. “My devil face was mine, my own. Not his, not angelic, mine. None of my siblings have my face.”

“So it’s about individuality?” Linda said.

“I suppose.” He admitted.

“Lucifer, what about your eyes?” Linda asked.

“My… my eyes?”

“Yes, your red eyes.” She said. “You told me you've shown them to people before.”

Lucifer considered that.

His humans gasped, Chloe's hands going to her mouth, Dan's instinctively wrapping around Trixie. Hesitantly, both humans relaxed, as if forcing themselves to.

“It’s… some comfort, I suppose, to know they’re still there.”

Chloe's fingers once again threaded themselves in his hair, and Dan restarted on his wing.

“Uriel… all that stuff you said.” Dan murmured. “It’s all true.”

“Yes, Daniel, it is.” Lucifer sighed.

“So he was really trying to kill me?” Chloe asked, surprising Lucifer. “An angel wanted me dead.”

“Not really.” Lucifer said, trying to soothe her. “You were a means to an end, what he really wanted was for Mom to go back to Hell. I just couldn’t risk your life.”

“Well, I'm damn glad you didn’t.” Dan said. “I can't imagine what would’ve happened if he'd succeeded.”

“Neither could I, Daniel.” Lucifer sighed. “Neither could I.”

A moment of silence passed.

“So… Charlotte is… was married to God?” Dan asked, as if just connecting all the dots. “Because she's your stepmother, right?”

“No.” Lucifer shook his head lightly, as to not disturb Chloe. “Charlotte’s body is holding my mother’s soul at the moment. And she’s my actual mother, she just doesn’t have a humanesque form like angels do. Stepmother was just so you'd stop thinking we’d slept together and she thought it worked well enough with the form she was in to also be close to me and Amenadiel. I just agreed with it because I didn’t know what else to do. I mean, what else can you do when the Goddess of Creation comes to Earth and meets your human friends?”

“Oh my God.” Dan’s face went pale, then a little green.

“Yes, Daniel, you slept with the Goddess of Creation. I'm still mad at you for that, by the way.”

Dan's face went paler.

“Please don’t be sick.” Lucifer realized too late that he probably had gone too far with Dan's human psyche. “I hate to be selfish but I don’t think I can handle all of this _and_ you getting sick in the same day. I like these clothes.”

“No, no, I'm fine.” Dan muttered, his hands stilling, his breath quickening. “I'm… I just slept with a being older than creation itself, who is also my friend’s mother. I'm fine.”

Lucifer frowned at his friend. “Sorry to challenge, Daniel, but you don’t _look_ fine.”

“I'm fine.” Daniel recited by rote.

“Dan.” Chloe put her hand on Dan's shoulder.

“I'll be right back.” Dan said, standing sharply, with Trixie still asleep in his arms. “I'm gonna put Trixie to bed, be right back.”

Lucifer watched him go, a sinking feeling in his chest.

“Hell be alright, Lucifer.” Linda assured him, still petting his wings. “He just needs time.”

Lucifer didn’t answer her, didn’t have the words to.

“You've told me before; humans are resilient creatures.” Chloe murmured. “Let us prove it to you once again. Just give him a chance.”

“I must admit, I am surprised _you_ haven’t run away yet, Detective.”

Chloe frowned at him.

“I mean, I know it’s different because you've seen my wings, not my devil face.” Lucifer rambled. “If you saw my devil face instead of these blasted things, it’d be an entirely different story. It also broke Linda, I've broken so many others with it, humans can't stand being around me when they see me-”

“I'm not a coward, Lucifer.” Chloe said solidly, interrupting him. “I don’t care if it’s wings, a devil face, or whatever else you have. I don’t run from my problems.”

Lucifer went quiet at that one, unable to keep the hurt off his face.

“Not that you're a problem!” She quickly corrected. “I didn’t mean this, I just meant… all the rest of it. Like, processing it without… losing my sense of self. Knowing that I live with an actual demon, that my best friend has wings that he apparently doesn’t want, a devil face that he _does_, that I somehow have met the Goddess of Creation, and the man I have wanted to punch in the face for over a year because of how he hurt you is literally God. It’s a lot. But I don’t run from my problems. I never have. I do have _so_ many questions, though.”

He gave her a tight smile. “I'll answer them, of course. I owe you all for keeping the truth hidden.”

“Lucifer-” Linda started but stopped when Dan came back into sight. He looked ready to jump out of his skin.

“All right, Trixie’s in bed, I'm sure she'll let us know when she wakes up.” Dan ran a hand down his face.

“Come on. Switch places with me.” Chloe said, standing.

He would forever deny the undignified squawk that came from him, surprised from the shift in bodies. He saw Linda hid a giggle behind her hand and he glared at her.

“I don't know, Chlo-”

“No, you got your chance at the wings, it’s my turn now.” Chloe near manhandled Dan behind him.

Lucifer sat up, to give Dan some distance, though he kept his wings extended.

“No, no, Lucifer, you lay back down.” Chloe ordered, sitting down beside him.

“Don’t I get a say in this?” Lucifer protested.

“Nope.” Chloe threaded her fingers in his feathers, smiling at their pleasant feeling.

“Don’t _I_ get a say in this?” Dan echoed.

“Definitely not.” Chloe smirked, pleased with herself.

“Detective-” He allowed her to push him down in Dan’s lap. “Chloe.”

She turned to him at the use of her given name.

“How are you all right?” He asked her. “How are you okay after all this?”

“Oh, I'm not.” Chloe sighed, going back to his feathers. “I am definitely still freaking out inside, and I will freak out even worse when I get to my own space without worrying about anyone hearing me say words my daughter would get suspended for. But… I made a promise to you, Lucifer. And I know how you feel about those. I won't let you down again. You're my friend, my best friend, and I'm not letting you go.”

Lucifer really should’ve gotten used to the tears his humans always seemed to cause him by now. He didn’t let them fall, he'd cried enough lately, but he couldn’t stop the prickling behind his eyes. He had no idea how, but his humans always managed to surprise him, in the best way. Somehow, they always managed to care about him in ways he never knew he needed.

* * *

Amenadiel was one hundred percent sure that their father had nothing to do with Lucifer’s wings returning.

Okay, maybe eighty.

Okay, more like _sixty_, but that was still more than fifty and that’s what mattered.

Lucifer had told him that he'd made a decision to stay alive, that had given him a sense of relief he hadn’t felt since he found Lucifer alive after his first attempt on his life. Now Linda had explained that this didn’t mean Lucifer was one hundred percent better, but Amenadiel had understood what Lucifer was saying under the surface. He was making a commitment to those around him, his human friends, his demon, his brother, and even himself that he wasn’t going to make another attempt on his own life. Lucifer took promises very seriously, especially those he made to himself. Lucifer never broke his word. He may circumvent it slightly to make sure if punishment was necessary it was correctly given, or if something he wasn’t aware of was impeding the outcome of the deal, but he never outright _broke_ his word. It had been a great balm to hear Lucifer's decision.

Which is why their father giving Lucifer back his wings after all of this made no sense. Their father would’ve been as relieved as Amenadiel was, and gifting him his wings back didn’t fit into their father’s behavioral pattern. Their father hadn’t intervened when Lucifer first cut his wings off, though He was no doubt saddened by it, their father hadn’t intervened when Lucifer refused to go back to Hell, their father hadn’t even intervened when his son’s life was lost. He wasn’t entirely sure he'd ever forgive his father for not saving Uriel, for not doing something when Uriel came down to kill the detective, or even when Uriel stole Azrael’s blade. Angels weren’t allowed to kill humans, directly or indirectly, no matter the loophole, and Uriel knew that. Stealing their sister’s sword was bad enough, trying to take the life of an innocent human was even worse in their father’s eyes, but still Uriel hadn’t been stopped and now his brother was dead. So why interfere now? Why Lucifer’s wings? Lucifer had made it quite clear how he'd felt about his wings, his connections to anything angelic when he'd cut them off. He'd then set them ablaze a little while later, just to spite them. Their father would’ve known that if He'd wanted to show Lucifer a sign, if He actually wanted to try reconciliation, or something along those lines, that giving him his wings back was not the way to do it. Lucifer would’ve preferred seeing Michael again, the very twin brother who’d dealt the final blow to expel him from Heaven, to getting his wings back. At least Michael could be punched, could be fought with, could be _screamed_ at with every fiber of his being for everything that happened and that could’ve started something. Amenadiel doubted it would’ve been anything good, but it would’ve started _something_. It would’ve shown their father had listened, at any rate. Yes, his father often knew better than His children, but to completely disregard their wishes and give them a gift everyone knew they didn’t want wasn’t something he'd ever done before, so why start with Lucifer now?

His mind tossed and turned over this as he drove. He was driving to Lux, to get supplies now that Lucifer's wings had returned. Lucifer may have kept his wings in a storage container when he'd first cut them off, but there was no way Lucifer didn’t have anything for when what was left gave phantom pains, when his angelic essence called to be reunited once more with the Divine. Plus, he could see if that library of his, with books older than many humans of note, had any material that might be helpful. Lucifer collected things he liked, and then stored them away where hellfire couldn’t touch them. He just hoped Lucifer had something from the early days of humanity, anything really, when the line between the Divine and the Humane was a little more blurred had been one of those collected.

He wasn’t sure exactly who kept Lux going with Lucifer at Chloe’s house, but they seemed to know what they were doing. The bouncers still let him in, as if Lux was bouncing normally and not setting up, and he still found the elevator easily, even with all the people running around to get everything ready.

Lucifer's library, while obviously not the biggest in the world, held some of the oldest books ever known to humanity. He recognized one of Shakespeare’s original portfolios, Guttenberg’s first book, not the Bible the humans found, but his _first_ book, and Sappho’s full collection of poetry, not just the fragmentation humanity had been able to recover. But old books that he hadn’t seen in years were not what he needed right now. He needed the books that he and his siblings sneered down at humanity for writing, for daring to write about the plights of angels, those in Heaven and the Fallen. _Let them_, his father had told them when they'd wanted to go after to writers, to stop the knowledge of the Divine of spreading too far, _they are humans. It is in their nature to want to record their histories._ Now he was grateful their father had created humanity with an innate desire to tell others of their lives, to keep their legacies going through words, pictures, anything.

He’d found a few books, one written by a human he didn’t know, one written with Azazel’s help, and the last most likely written by one of his sisters, that might have been able to help Lucifer. His sister didn’t have her name on it, but he knew the handwriting, one of the _kiraman katibin_ who their father had originally entrusted with written language. Whether Lucifer had stolen the book himself (unlikely), had stolen it from another who stole it (slightly more likely) or had used a favor to procure the book and keep it safe while on Earth (pretty damn likely), he wasn’t entirely sure, but he packed it well enough to make sure the book wouldn’t be damaged and he could take it to Lucifer. Three should be enough for their first bout into research. He could find other Heavenly texts later; he didn’t want Lucifer making a rash decision in the meantime before he'd understood Amenadiel's theory.

The elevator dinged and he was surprised to see his mother walk out of the elevator. His mother looked just as surprised to see him.

“Hello, Amenadiel.” His mother smiled at him, a warm smile he'd almost forgotten from distance.

“Hello, Mother.” Amenadiel smiled back. “What are you doing here?”

“Oh, I sometimes like to come here when I miss your brother.” She admitted, walking toward the piano. “I know I am welcome at the humans but… I cannot talk to my son honestly while there. I have to be his stepmother, the woman who married into the family instead of being one of the original creators.”

He definitely did not _correct_ his mother that she was now free to speak openly of their heritage at the Decker household.

“So you come to his penthouse?” Amenadiel asked, flipping the bag closed.

His mother nodded, sitting down the piano, a strange melancholic expression on her face. “His scent is still here, his essence. Sometimes in here, with the club going underneath, it’s like he's still here. Like he'd just come up the elevator with the news of your brother’s death.”

He frowned at his mother.

“Do you think it’s because he nearly bled to death here?” His mother asked, wiping away at tears. “I know the human detective cleaned it, but I swear I can still smell it.”

Even though he knew he should be getting back to Lucifer, he knew he couldn’t leave his mother in this state.

“No, Mom.” Amenadiel said, sitting down beside her. “I think he’s poured a lot of himself into this place. The piano, the bar, the lack of doors. Do you remember… do you remember when he'd managed to unscrew the hinges on Michael’s door?”

His mother laughed wetly. “Oh, I thought Michael’s ears would start spewing steam he was so upset. Chased Lucifer around the Silver City for hours, with Lucifer laughing the entire time. Your father had to intervene.”

“I remember.” Amenadiel chuckled, grasping his mother’s hand. “He was so mad. Said Lucifer was nothing more than trouble.”

“Yes, Lucifer was always a little troublemaker. Always found a way to get under you and your siblings’ skins, not to mention your father’s.” His mother smiled at her husband’s antics, turning to him sharply. “Do you remember when you and he were children? When Lucifer was little more than a babe? And Lucifer would sit on you when he wanted something from you?”

Amenadiel laughed at the memory. “Yes, I remember. I remember once Uriel fell asleep on the couch and Lucifer decided he was going to sleep on that particular couch regardless, and when Uriel woke, Lucifer was so cute no one let Uriel move him, no matter how uncomfortable he was.”

His mother smiled sadly at her dead son’s name. “I remember.”

“I'm sorry, Mom, I didn’t-”

His mother waved a hand, dismissing him. “It’s alright, honey.” He knew it wasn't.

He bit his tongue, not wanting to upset his mother further.

She turned to the piano, running her hands across the keys.

“I remember when your father created these instruments for Lucifer.” His mother’s voice was wistful, longing. “He always knew that Lucifer was to be the angel of music. Michael was to be the soldier, and Lucifer the singer. Your father had such ideas for the songs Lucifer would sing. His name was supposed to be synonymous with the music of heaven, not the venom of god. The thought of Lucifer's rebellion never entered our minds. Lucifer was always too kind-hearted, too gentle to rebel against us. Your father never could’ve seen it coming.”

He didn’t know what to say to that.

“You know, I think he's forgotten how happy he was in Heaven.” His mother continued. “We were a family, he had his brothers and sisters, he had me, his Father. I think he's forgotten the family he had there.”

“Mom, I don’t think he's forgotten.” Amenadiel said. “I think we weren’t as happy as we thought we were.”

“Oh, nonsense, of course we were happy.” His mother dismissed. “I know you and Lucifer fought, but he was happy. I know my own son. I know him better than he knows himself.”

He kept quiet, unsure that he was even right. He'd always suspected that Lucifer's mind had been twisted from Hell, and if his mother said Lucifer was happy, then he was inclined to believe her.

“What are you doing here, Amenadiel?” His mother asked, the change in subject and her voice almost jarring to hear as she grabbed the bag from his lax fingers. “What do you have in here?”

“Oh, um, I was, um, getting some books. For Lucifer.” Amenadiel said. “He asked for them. I, uh, think he's gone through all the books in Decker’s place, and, uh, wanted some new material.”

“Well these are certainly not _new_ material.” His mother said, flipping through them easily. “Amenadiel?”

“Yes, Mom?”

She cupped his face in her hands. “I raised you to be many things, my son, but a liar is not one of them.”

Amenadiel's mind flashed to Lucifer's wings, as if his mother was drawing the answer like poison from a wound.

“I think, um, well, he'd kill me if you found out, I don’t think-”

“I can handle any problem your brother has.” His mother’s hands were cold. “I'm your mother. Mother knows best. Now tell me what's happened to Lucifer.”

“Well, um, Lucifer, um, he’s, Mom, he's gonna get so angry if he found out I told you-”

“So he's hiding something from me.” His mother withdrew her hands. She frowned and looked at the books. “Your brother and sister wrote these. Why would he need books about Fallen angels and the line between humans and the Divine?”

“Um, well, it’s really quite simple,” Amenadiel's panicked mind finally settled on a close enough lie, one he'd thought about more than once, “I think Lucifer's wings, or well, what used to be, hurt him.”

His mother narrowed her eyes at him, like a snake finding a rabbit.

“He'd never say it, and he wouldn’t want you to worry about it.” Amenadiel said. “He's never actually said anything to me about it, you know how he is with admitting pain, but I think his stumps hurt. I thought I might go looking for these books to see if we could deal with the problem together, because I'm losing my own.”

“Well, I'm his mother.” His mother decided, flipping the bag closed. “He can tell me anything. Besides, I might be able to help. I may be stuck in a mortal body but I am still his mother. I still had a hand in his creation. I can ease any pain of his.”

“Uh, Mom, I really don’t think he wants us to-”

“Oh nonsense, I know your brother.” She stood, heading towards the elevator. “With him, saying ‘I hate you’ is ‘I feel you owe me an apology for some nonsense reason’ and ‘I need some space’ is ‘don’t leave my side’. He’ll talk to me.”

“Mom, I don’t even know if he's home!” Amenadiel said, a last-ditch effort to stop his mother.

“Well then, hopefully that nice detective will be there with his human brat and I can convince him to ditch her for a moment. Come on, darling, I'm not having your brother sit around and be in pain alone!”

Amenadiel hesitated, unable to think of a way around it.

“Amenadiel, come.” His mother said, a colder tone in her voice. Biting his lip, Amenadiel came to the elevator.

“Come now. It shouldn’t be too hard to get the humans out. Then we can talk freely with your brother about what's left of his wings. Shouldn’t be too hard. I always know what to say with him. I know everything about my children.”

The elevator dinged and together they stepped in.

Making sure to lower his voice so his mother wouldn’t notice, completely wrapped up in her own ramblings, he muttered, “Lucifer forgive me.”

* * *

Lucifer knew Maze couldn’t part with her demon blade. Knew she had to _some_thing to protect her newfound family, had to protect Trixie at all costs. Whether it had fallen under there, or if she'd hidden it under there, or if Trixie had found it and hidden it out of fear, he wasn’t sure, but from this angle, he saw it clearly.

“Is anyone else a bit thirsty?” Lucifer asked, keeping the lie out of his voice.

“Oh, let me get you some water.” Chloe said, getting up.

In a flash, the moment she stood, he grabbed the blade and hid it, slipping it under him, into the waistband of his trousers, easily brushing off the movement as adjusting to Chloe's absence.

He thanked her sincerely as she brought back a glass of water for him.

“Look, Mom, seriously, Lucifer doesn’t want-”

“Don’t be ridiculous, Amenadiel. I know my own son.”

His brother and mother’s voices were close, too close, and he felt a flash of terror enter his heart as his mother stepped into the room, his brother useless to stop her.

Her eyes went wide as she took in his wings. He tucked them back in immediately, but it was too late. She'd seen them. A vice wrapped around his chest, and he couldn’t breathe. His mother knew they were back, she was going to react and of course it was going to be bad, she was going to think he lied, she was going to be mad, so mad… with a jolt, he realized the vice was _fear_. Fear of what exactly, he wasn’t sure, but he knew the feeling well. How could he not?

“Lucifer, your wings! Oh my, oh this, this is _wonderful_! Now you can just _fly_ me back to the Silver City!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again. First off, let me say I'm sorry this took so long. I could easily blame it on my job, on my mental state, on my laptop, on starting the Witcher, on whatever would suit my needs, but I won't. I let y'all down, I'm sorry. For all of you who are still here, still reading, I thank you so much for sticking with me this long. I hope you think it's worth it.
> 
> It took me a long time to figure out where I'm going with this. I have a much better idea now, one that certainly wasn't there when I first started this. I originally meant for this to be maybe three or four chapters and here I am at chapter ten, about to start chapter eleven. So if it seems a little disjointed I'm sorry. I'm making this up as I go.
> 
> I will finish this. Even if just one person is reading it, I'll finish it for that one person. Trust me.
> 
> To the story parts of this now- Imma be honest. I didn't really care for Dan and Chloe's character arcs in season four, so I'm rewriting them. I think Chloe running away and that whole Father McKinley thing was... not the smartest bit of writing and so I say I reject your canon and substitute my own. (Angels were once babies just like humans and not one of the writers can tell me otherwise.) I think the writers don't notice that we live in a Christian-centric society (or they didn't want to challenge it in the show) and while many of us may or may not believe in God/everything else that comes with it (be it Judaism, Islam, or Christianity) we live in a world where we cater to those who follow the Christian religion (at least in the US, where I'm writing from) and ninety percent of our culture is made to enforce that belief in open, forceful, and especially subtle ways. I think that humans are resilient creatures. And I think that influences our behavior in ways we don't think about.
> 
> (Also, I'm doing my best to stay in character while staying realistic to human behavior as _I_ experience it. That's all I can do.)
> 
> PS if you think I need to update the tags, let me know
> 
> So that's it. Longest author's note I've ever had I think. I really hope you all liked this, that you're all still there. Let me know what you thought of it, let me know everything and anything in your head. Be it a 'great job' or an essay. Whatever you want.


	11. The World Will Keep Turning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mom knows the wings are back, there's a huge argument, Chloe figures some shit out, and Amenadiel hasn't learned his lesson honestly

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: emotionally abusive argument, specifically from a parent, heavy introspection, non-graphic amputation aftermath (at least I hope please be careful)

_“Now you can just fly me back to the Silver City!”_

Lucifer stared at his mother’s happy, expectant face. It broke his heart to realize she would always expect him to drop everything so she could get what she wanted.

“I don’t want them, Mom.” He finally settled on. “I'm not keeping them.”

His mother’s smile wavered. “But… Lucifer, your father, he's obviously trying to forgive you, to tell you to come home!”

“I don’t want his forgiveness and dammit, I don’t need it!” Lucifer shouted. “What sin have I committed so heinous that I would need his forgiveness lately? What have I done that which I haven’t already paid for? I suffered through ruling Hell for millennia, and Uriel wasn’t my fault! I miss him every day, and every day I wish he wasn’t dead, but he made his own choices. And I've made mine.”

“Lucifer, there must have been _some_thing.” His mother dismissed. “It was probably how you handled me and my escape.”

He scoffed. “You honestly think he would give me my wings back for disobeying him and not sending you back to Hell? Do you think I'm that stupid?”

“Your father-”

“Hasn’t forgiven me.” He finished. “If he couldn’t forgive me for the Rebellion back when I still wanted it, back when I was scared and suffering in Hell, why would he forgive me now? He doesn’t want to forgive me, he wants to _control_ me. And I'm not going to let him! I don’t care what it takes!”

“Lucifer-” Linda started, her voice a warning.

“I'll find some way.” He snapped, hating himself for turning on her so easily but his anger didn’t allow any other emotion or sensibility. “I'll see if I can run it by you, check to see if it’s okay, if it fits your human sensibilities.”

“It’s the humans, isn’t it?” His mother accused. “That’s why you don’t want to leave!”

“We’re not discussing whether or not I want to leave.” He shot back. “My point still stands, whether I want to stay with my humans or not, which, regardless of what you want, I do. I make my own choices, Mother. And this? This is my choice. I don’t want the wings, and they’re not staying!”

“Lucifer, I won't let you throw away this chance! We may not get another one.”

“I don’t want another chance!” He exclaimed. “I didn’t want this one! I'm not going back under his thumb and that’s final!”

His wings snapped out on an instinct he barely remembered, his feathers puffing up like a fury, his eyes flashing as red as his rage.

“Samael, you will not flap your wings at me like that!” His mother shouted, pointing her finger at him just as she did when he was a child, and it made him just as angry as it did when he was small. “I am your mother, and you will not treat me like that!”

“What… did you just call me?” His mother was unfazed by the Devil in his voice, but his humans flinched in fear.

“You heard me.” His mother said haughtily. “If you're going to act like a child, I'll treat you like a child. If you want to throw a temper tantrum, I'm going to-”

“What?” He laughed a stranger’s laugh, cold and cruel. Disgust pooled in his gut as he realized he sounded like his father in that instant. “Throw me over your knee, send me to my room? You'd actually have to do some parenting for that! Tell me, Mom, what exactly will you do?”

His mother’s face twisted in rage. “I will-”

She inhaled sharply, biting the inside of her cheek.

“We will continue this conversation when _you_ have calmed down enough to think straight.” She said through gritted teeth. “We’re going home, S-Lucifer. And that’s final.”

She marched out, the house vibrating as she slammed the door closed.

“Wow.” Chloe’s surprised breath nearly startled him. He'd almost forgotten his humans were still there. He was slightly surprised to see that they hadn’t run away in fear yet. His mother was quite the force to be reckoned with. “Your mom is…”

“A bitch?” Lucifer supplied, a fake smile on his face.

Chloe didn’t respond.

“No, she’s really not. At least, not on purpose.” He admitted, sighing. No matter how angry his mother made him, cursing at her really did nothing but make him feel sorry for her. “She just gets like that when she's angry sometimes. I'm just old enough to talk back, really.”

“That’s not a healthy way of expressing anger, Lucifer.” Linda said, though she sounded just as shocked as the detective.

“It’s my family, doctor.” He sighed. “We’ve been putting the fun in dysfunctional since creation. It’s just how we are.”

“So, uh, Samael, huh?” Dan said, his tone obviously trying to be light.

He glared at him.

Dan gasped, taking a few instinctive steps back.

Lucifer cursed himself under his breath, and made sure to return his eyes to his human form.

“I'm sorry, Daniel, I didn’t realize.”

“Touchy subject, huh?” Dan said, his adam’s apple bobbing as he approached once more.

“No one can call me that.” Lucifer muttered. “That name is… dead to me. The only person who doesn’t listen is my father, and now I guess, my mother. Trust me, there’s a reason I stopped going by it in Heaven. Even my own siblings don’t call me that.”

“I'm sorry, man.” Dan said, clapping a hand on Lucifer's shoulder in an effort to convey his sincerity. “I didn’t know. I should’ve thought.”

Lucifer nodded his apology. Dan gave a small smile at recognizing it.

“Lucifer, I'm sorry.” Amenadiel said, speaking for the first time since arriving. “She wasn’t supposed to be in the penthouse, she wasn’t supposed to find out.”

He waved his brother off. “She would’ve found out eventually. Speaking of finding out, where is the blade? I don’t want her finding it when she knows I can fly.”

“I gave it back.” Amenadiel said.

“You what?!?”

“I gave it back.” Amenadiel repeated. “To Azrael. It’s her blade, let her do her work in peace. She has a hard-enough job to do without us getting in the way.”

Lucifer groaned audibly. “Fine. Unfortunately, giving it back makes some form of sense, with these blasted things on my back. Not much sense, but I suppose I like the universe better when Mom doesn’t have her hands on that blade. Azrael might listen to me, might come if I called, but I know she'd never listen to Mom. Not after everything that happened.”

“What happened?” Chloe asked.

“You know all those disasters in the Tanakh, uh, the Old Testament? The flood, the fires, the plagues, Sodom and Gomorrah? That was Mom.” Lucifer said. “Worked poor Azrael to the bone to keep up with her slaughter.”

“Azrael is the Angel of Death.” Amenadiel supplied.

“Yes, and Mom’s sudden outbursts of jealousy on humanity left her rather… unprepared, at the time.” Lucifer said. “She’s got a better handle on it now, but I remember a time where souls feared her because of how snappy she was, how short-tempered, because she was disorganized. She didn’t have time to be nice, she had to do her job, even though she always wants the journey to be a pleasant one as best as she can. She’s normally very kind, very understanding while still being firm. She's… very much like Miss Lopez in many ways.”

He hadn’t thought about his sister in some time, excepting when a soul feared her more than him. Those souls were rare, but they did happen, often the skewing of a religious belief into a type of fanaticism did it. He didn’t let himself think about her, about how much he missed her, how her eyes lit up when she spoke of something she loved, her smile when he kissed her cheek, her love of the unusual things their father created making life in the Silver City so much more entertaining. She and Miss Lopez would’ve been good friends. For a moment, he wished he were still that close to his sister, if only to introduce them. His sister, with her unfortunate assignment from their father, did not have many friends she could call very close.

“She hates being disorganized is what he means.” Amenadiel said when it became clear that Lucifer wouldn’t continue speaking. “It affected her work rather badly, and there are many things she wished she could’ve done differently if she'd known the extent of how bad it would be.”

“She doesn’t like people being afraid of her.” Lucifer sighed. “No matter how scared you humans are of death, she is necessary for the world to keep spinning. Death is just another path, one all humanity must take. She feels being afraid her is… unconducive to her work.”

“Isn’t that from the Lord of the Rings?” Dan asked.

“And who do you think told him to put it in there?” Lucifer said. “You would not believe how close he came to editing out the best parts.”

“You met Tolkien?” Linda asked.

“I've met many soldiers from the first world war.” Lucifer nodded. “I could… empathize with their pain. They had stories that needed to be told, so I often helped facilitate telling them.”

“What do you mean by that?” Linda asked.

“Oh, Hell changed after world war one.” Lucifer said. “Not physically, of course, only Dad could do that. But the torment changed. Soldiers who were forced to relive flashbacks over guilt over dying before they could save civilians, guilt over losing their best friends on the battlefields were very different than those who knowingly followed inhumane orders and didn’t blink or question their authority. People who knew what they were doing was wrong, but still didn’t speak up. I eventually had to send for Gabriel, and had to talk to Father about it, too many souls were being dragged down by their guilt over the war and not the true measure of their souls. Sure humanity had had war before this, but the type of carnage changed drastically in the first world war, and Hell had to adjust accordingly. And those who survived, I felt that they needed their stories to be heard, other humans had to know the pain they suffered, the grief they would never leave behind. I felt the world owed it to them to listen.”

The whole house was quiet.

Amenadiel placed a hand on Lucifer's shoulders, and gently squeezed. Linda sat down in a daze, taking off her glasses and rubbing at her red eyes. Chloe wrapped her arms around herself, her face a mixture of shock and revulsion. Dan’s eyes fluttered, as if consciousness were slipping through his fingers though he were still trying to hold onto it with shaky fingers.

Lucifer moved silently, gently grabbing Dan's shoulders and guiding him to the couch. Dan's expression proved he didn’t even notice. On an instinct he knew to be a human one, he knelt down to Dan's level, cupped Dan’s cheek, rubbing his thumb up and down.

“I think I should go.”

Dan's hand snapped to his wrist, Chloe immediately going over to him, grabbing at his shoulders.

“I'll go with him.” Amenadiel said, with Linda’s hand on his arm.

Dan relaxed his grip, and Chloe's hands dropped.

“Thank you, brother.” Lucifer muttered, standing up. “Linda, call me when you want me to return. I will return, I promise you, but… I think I've done enough for the moment.”

In silence, Lucifer walked out of the house, with Amenadiel behind him.

“My car is at Lux.” Amenadiel stated, rather obviously.

“We can take the corvette.” Lucifer said, trying not to let his emotions overcome him.

They drove in near silence for a while, Lucifer playing the radio, trying to drown out his own thoughts. His humans had asked him to let them prove how resilient humans were, but those faces were hard to respond to with the certainty he needed to fight off the anxiety he faced.

“Brother, I have a theory.” Amenadiel said, breaking the silence.

“Enlighten me, brother.” Lucifer growled.

“I don’t think it was Father gave you back your wings.”

Lucifer's knuckles went white against the steering wheel.

“I don’t know who did, or why this is happening, and I don’t know why this is happening now, but this isn’t Father’s style.” Amenadiel said. “Not now, not like that. He would’ve sent Gabriel, hell he might’ve even sent Michael! But he wouldn’t have done this. Lucifer, he didn’t intervene when Uriel died, when his own son died. It’s been two months since Uriel’s death, why now? Two months later, you get your wings back. Within two months, Uriel died, you tried to kill yourself, nearly twice, and you've gone through Hell and back to get to where you are now! Two months he's had a chance to intervene, more than the sleep suggestion, but he hasn’t! And he interferes now? Why?”

Lucifer clutched at the steering wheel, trying his damndest not to break his precious Corvette, biting his tongue not to rip his brother’s head off in his anger.

Amenadiel sighed at Lucifer's silence.

“Just think about that, Lucifer.” Amenadiel said. “That’s why I went to the penthouse. Thought you might have some books we could use to tackle the problem together.”

Lucifer pulled into Lux’s parking lot.

“One, I think I need a drink.” Lucifer said. “Two, once I've had said drink, I'm going to finish off the rest of the bottle. After that, maybe we can look through my books to see if there’s a way my humans will approve of to dispose of these monstrosities on my back. I'm not guaranteeing anything, though. This is sort of a first, even from the Fallen. They never regained their wings.”

Amenadiel nodded, and Lucifer pushed down the messenger bag full of books of his car. He kept Amenadiel talking the entire ride up to his penthouse.

“Ah, I forgot the damn books in the car.” Amenadiel said as Lucifer was pouring them drinks.

“Well then go and get them.” Lucifer said. “They're no use to us down there.”

Amenadiel nodded, Lucifer tossed him the keys, and Amenadiel headed back down the elevator.

Lucifer shot back the vodka, he knew he wouldn’t have much time and while he wanted to be at least slightly inebriated for his next task, the shot of vodka would have to do. He pulled Maze’s demon blade out of his trousers and unfurled his wings. He almost hesitated, but within moments, his anger flashed through him like hot steel, steadying his hand, solidifying his nerves.

He brought the knife to his wings.

* * *

“Lucifer is the devil. Lucifer is The Devil.”

Chloe put her face in her hands and tried to resist screaming.

He'd told her. He'd _told_ her. He'd outright told her he was the Devil and she didn’t believe it. Of course she never believed it. Who believed that any random stranger is the Devil himself? But she'd had chances to prove it, he'd given her chances, and still she denied it. If only she'd figured out how he used his mojo, how he threw people through windows and walls, how he knew things no human should’ve ever known, if only she'd run the damn blood test.

She tried to take another calming breath, though it didn’t help much. Her mind had been swirling with _if onlys_ and _what ifs_ since Lucifer left. If only she'd tried to believe him, what if she'd run the test, every single interaction with him was replaying in her mind.

On a tangential note, a lot more of her conversations with him made sense. Especially the one after Father Frank’s death. He'd been heartbroken, lashing out at the God Frank worshipped for not saving him, for devoting his life to him and getting shot in return. She'd thought the reaction a bit strong for someone who claimed to have little attachment to human life, but now so many things made sense.

_Tell me, Detective, what do you desire?_

This _is it?_ This _is your big trick?_

He had been flabbergasted when his mojo hadn’t worked on her. Humans to him were simple, they always had the same motivations, they always had the same weaknesses. He'd spent millennia dealing with them, no wonder they all seemed to blur together in the end. There were over seven billion on the planet, with so many living and dying in one day it would’ve been exhausting to try and figure out each particular motive of every single soul on Earth. No wonder he stuck around when he found a human who wasn’t the same as the rest.

Why _wasn’t_ she affected by Lucifer's mojo? She didn’t know. She knew Lucifer didn’t know. Maybe Amenadiel would know. And, mark her words, she was _so_ mad at Amenadiel. Gaslighting her when she'd first started to question, intentionally lying to her. He made her doubt Lucifer, and she had hated that. Lucifer was her partner, she couldn’t doubt him, she needed to trust him absolutely. And Amenadiel had lied to her, and made her doubt Lucifer’s truth.

Lucifer never lied to her. Lucifer _never_ lied. She almost couldn’t comprehend it. Lucifer never lied, everything he said was true. Now he'd made it rather clear that he could lie by omission in some cases, or he could twist the truth just enough to sound like a lie, but he never intentionally misled her unless her life was on the line. And he'd always told her that he was the Devil.

_Is that, uh, a stage name or something?_

_God-given, I'm afraid._

God had literally given him the name Lucifer Morningstar. It wasn’t an excuse, it wasn’t a metaphor, it wasn’t the product of a delusion. God had named him Lucifer Morningstar because he _was_ the Devil.

Chloe felt sick to her stomach.

She stumbled into the bathroom adjacent to her bedroom and collapsed at the front of the toilet. Her stomach tossed and turned, her mind suffering the same storm, but she couldn’t seem to actually be sick. Whether that would help her feel better she didn’t know, but the porcelain felt cool against her skin.

When her stomach calmed down for a moment, she stood back up, going to sit on her bed. She felt like curling up into a ball where no could ever find her again, and yet she wanted to scream her anger from the rooftops, to find Lucifer and ask him question after question until she was satisfied with his answers.

Why hadn’t he immediately shown her who he was? He showed others, suspects and murderers saw who he was before she did. Why hadn’t she believed him when she first saw his mojo work? What had she done to deserve to get the Devil as her partner, as her best friend? Why did she want to cuddle him close to her and never let go? Why did the wings enrage him as much as they did? Could he take her flying? How fast did he fly? Did she even want him to take her flying or was it merely a hypothetical in her mind? Was Heaven really above them or was it a metaphysical place? Was Hell below them in the Earth’s core? Or was it in another dimension? Did other dimensions really exist? Were there aliens? Did he really create the stars or did he simply turn them on?

Her mind swirled with question after question, almost suffocating her with the weight. She knew she wanted to ask him. He'd completely upheaved her perception of the world, the least he could do was answer some questions.

_I'll answer them, of course. I owe you all for keeping the truth hidden._

She'd hated his smile at her. It was tight, uncomfortable. It was little more than a grimace. But he was trying to comfort her, trying his best to ease the pain he'd caused her by existing. It was his life, and he was all but apologizing to her for living it.

She sighed. She knew Lucifer didn’t have the greatest self-esteem, though he hid it extremely well, because of the trauma he'd undergone as a child. (Was he a child when the Rebellion happened? Was he the angelic equivalent of a teenager, when children were supposed to rebel? Was he just trying to figure out who he was in this great, big universe?) And now, like any child of abuse, he was apologizing that his existence caused her pain. Granted, this was a much more literal pain, with the upheaval of her entire worldview, but it still rang true with what she knew from human psychology. Could human psychology even work on Lucifer? Yes, he went to see Linda. Linda was a human therapist, with human credentials, and a human way of execution. She'd helped him too, so it must've worked at least a little bit. Lucifer was an abused child with a secret, she could understand that. While she obviously never endured the pain of living in Hell for longer than she could comprehend, she knew enough about abuse to see the signs. No wonder he didn’t understand why they loved him so much.

Actually, so many of Lucifer's abuse coping mechanisms made a lot more sense to her. He'd been alone for centuries, millennia even, to rot in a place even God abandoned for something that should’ve been resolved rather quickly. All children eventually rebelled against their parents, she was waiting for a time when Trixie would want to start wearing tight clothes, pierce something other than her ears, and go out with boys or girls her mom didn’t like, just as Chloe did to her own parents. Lucifer had never gotten a supportive structure at home. He'd been broken down to his core at such a young age, he had no idea what a true loving family was like. He didn’t know what it was like to have a house where she could tell her father everything, he didn’t know how to communicate properly because proper, loving communication had never been established at his own home. Her mother wasn’t winning any ‘parent of the year’ award, nor any ‘grandparent of the year’ now, but at least Chloe grew up in a loving, supportive home. Her mother wasn’t so selfish and egotistical that she created an entire species of creature just to fuel her own ego.

Chloe wondered the role of Lucifer's own mother in this. He obviously wasn’t thrilled to see her. She easily remembered how jumpy he was when he first thought she had come. He'd thought she'd come for _him_. And _not_ to have a happy family reunion. And here she was now, living an innocent woman’s life for her. Well, with her record, Chloe wouldn’t exactly put Charlotte Richards high on the list for innocence, but she couldn’t imagine a literally goddess living in her body. She wondered if Charlotte Richards could see herself, could see this goddess destroy her reputation, ruining her marriage, distancing her from her own children. She hoped not. She wouldn’t wish that torture on anyone, no matter what they'd done.

But Lucifer's mother was still a mystery to her. She hadn’t reacted in a way that seemed to help, all she seemed to care about was the Silver City. She'd even called Lucifer by a name that caused him real pain. He may not have explicitly said it, but she knew him well enough to know when he was in pain and was using anger to hide it.

She pulled out her phone. Google immediately responded.

_Samael- (Hebrew: סַמָּאֵל Sammāʾēl, "Venom of God", "Poison of God", or "Blindness of God")_

Now that confused her. She knew associating the name with such negative connotations probably didn’t sit well with Lucifer, but to her, he'd always thrived off the negative attention of his father. Lucifer didn’t want God’s approval, Lucifer wanted to spit in the man’s face and have him know the pain he's inflicted. Maybe… Lucifer had learned that behavior too, along with his unhealthy coping mechanisms, in order to deal with the fact that his name meant Venom of God. To live with siblings whose name meant “By God's Will” and “Soldier of God” and “Help from God” and his own meant “Venom of God” must have been quite the struggle. Why even name him that? Did angels earn their names or were they assigned at a certain age? Did they have different names when they were children and then given different ones as adults? Did they have meanings before they were named or after? Could the names have been so new that the meanings could’ve changed? What did Lucifer mean? Did his own mother even _have_ a name?

What _did_ Lucifer mean? Again, Google responded instantly.

_Lucifer- bearer of light_

She disregarded all the other stuff about the Devil, the questions, the Satanism, the absolute certainty of religious bigots. She didn’t need that. No wonder Lucifer preferred to go by Lucifer, no wonder he never told anyone of his other name, no wonder he unconsciously flashed his devil eyes at Dan when he tried to make a joke.

The more she thought, the more sense the world made. Lucifer had always been Lucifer, she only understood his metaphors now. Well, they weren’t metaphors, but that wasn’t the point. While she knew she wasn’t okay, not in the slightest, who can be after that reveal, she decided she was going to be. Lucifer would answer her questions, all of them, he did promise, and life would go on. The world would keep turning. She would wake up tomorrow and probably get called in to work. She'd make Trixie breakfast and Lucifer would be asleep in his room. Though he likes to make breakfast, she’ll still make it because she’ll want to show that he's loved and appreciated in this house, no matter what.

No matter what.

* * *

Amenadiel's hand flew to his mouth, the contents of the bookbag spilling out as it hit the floor.

On the ground he saw two bloody white feathery lumps that were once angel wings.

He sank to his knees, despair and disgust flooding his heart. How could Lucifer do this? How could he mutilate something so beautiful, so Heavenly? How could he hurt himself this deeply? How could he willingly cut himself off from the Divine, from their heritage, from his angelic nature? The wings were unwanted, yes, but Amenadiel never thought he'd go so far without fully knowing why they were there, the full extent of the situation. What if their mother was right? What if their father _was_ trying to reach out to Lucifer, was trying to forgive him? Now, with the wings gone, he doubted Lucifer would get another chance. Their father forgave humans easily enough, he'd created them to have flaws, but Lucifer had always been a special case. He wouldn’t get another chance for millennia, at the very least, if he got another one at all. Or what if Amenadiel was right and their father had nothing to do with it? And Lucifer had cut them off for nothing? Lucifer might’ve just mutilated himself beyond recognition just to spite his father for no other reason than spite.

He fought the tears building behind his eyes. Lucifer must've been in great pain after cutting them off. The first time he'd had Mazikeen to take care of him, and this time he was alone, had to do it in a rush so Amenadiel wouldn’t discover him, stop him. He'd almost lost Lucifer once to self-harm, he wasn’t going to lose again. He needed to be a better brother than that. He forced himself to stand, to look away from the bloody hunks that used to have Divinity, unsure of where his brother was, but he was sure of the need in his heart to find Lucifer. Just as he looked around the bar, he gasped.

Lucifer lie slumped on the stairs, as if unable to even make it to his room, with two identical blindly white wings attached to his back, spread out across the floor.

Getting ahold of himself, he crouched beside Lucifer, who seemed to be unconscious. With the ease of an experienced angelic older brother, one who’d done this before with so many of his siblings (though the situations were vastly different), he tucked Lucifer's wings back into a more comfortable position and hauled him into his arms. He dragged Lucifer over to his bed, setting him down as gently as he could. Lucifer didn’t stir.

He sighed and looked for a trash bag. He had to get rid of the dead weight on Lucifer's floor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello once more. Thank you all for the wonderful comments, they're very appreciated.
> 
> So I've recently found out some... _stressful_ news. While I am not the epicenter of this upsetting thing, I am very close to the upsetting thing's victim. It has caused me to... rethink some things. Well, that's not entirely true. It just changed my perceptions a bit... a lot. But it's also reinforced something in my mind. Humans, as I've said before, are incredibly resilient creatures. I know I keep using that word a lot, but it means a helluva lot more now. Sorry to get so heavy on you, I'm just dealing with some stuff. Writing helps, so I've been pouring a bit more of myself into my work lately. I'll be okay. So will the epicenter. We're pretty resilient ourselves.
> 
> Also, my lovelies, I'm basing a lot of Mom off of my own experiences, so if it feels a little out of character, that's probably why. I'm doing my best, trying to keep myself together while being true to the story.
> 
> Lastly, TALK TO ME! Leave me comments, tell me your favorite lines, tell me what you weren't so sure about, tell me everything. I have recently found out that some people are scared to leave comments, please know that I accept any and all comments, the loving reviews and the constructive criticism. I don't bite, I promise!


	12. He's Never Forgiven You So Easily

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Amenadiel has theories, Chloe has questions, and Lucifer wishes his humans weren't so observant.

Lucifer woke slowly with a familiar ache on his back.

“Lucifer. Lucifer, wake up.”

Now _that_ was his brother. Why was his brother here? He knew he was at Lux, he’d recognize these sheets anywhere. It felt so good to be home, after so longer at Chloe's, but that didn’t explain why his brother was here.

“Lucifer, please, wake up.”

His brother’s voice was soft, but desperate. Well, he wasn’t cruel, no matter what humanity said. He opened his eyes and found his brother frowning down at him.

“You’ll get frown lines that way, you know.”

Why was he so exhausted? He felt terrible, and his memory was still fuzzy from sleep, though Lucifer thought it odd. Usually when Lucifer woke up, he was awake and alert almost instantly.

“Lucifer,” Amenadiel’s voice was sad, but he could still hear the undercurrent of relief, “your wings-”

Ah, yes that was why he was so tired. He’d cut his wings off. That was strange, though.

“Didn’t pass out the first time.”

“Lucifer, twitch your wings a bit.” Amenadiel said, as if unsure of how to phrase it.

Lucifer frowned but sat up to do so. Maybe that was why he collapsed, he may not have done it right, though he could’ve sworn that he did. But doing it yourself probably had some disadvantages when it comes to being absolutely sure he’d done it right. After all, he couldn’t see his back.

He extended his wings easily. Wait, what?

“No, no, no I cut them off.” He growled, fury rising in his gut. “I cut them off!”

“I know! They’re still in the living room!”

Lucifer gaped at him, and turned. And there they were, bloody white feathers sticking out of trash bags, both sitting against the bar as if they didn’t contain the very essence of the Divine.

“Impossible.”

“I know I could hardly believe it either.” Amenadiel sighed.

“That bastard!” Lucifer groaned. “Still want to control me, huh? Still want me doing as you say, even though I’ve shown you quite clearly what I think of your so-called gift?”

“Lucifer, this confirms it wasn’t father!” Amenadiel said. “He wouldn’t give you another chance after this.”

“Well, he’s all about _forgiveness_ now, isn’t he?” Lucifer spit.

“Never to you.” Amenadiel said, stopping Lucifer cold. He was so caught up in the substance of Amenadiel’s words that he didn’t even notice his brother’s tone. “He’s never forgiven you so easily. Humans, yes, but never you.”

Lucifer’s blood was ice. Of course his brother was right. If their father was capable of forgiving Lucifer, he would’ve done it millennia ago while Lucifer was still in hell, was still looking to his father for guidance and hating himself for it. Years ago, millennia ago, he’d wanted his father’s forgiveness, he’d wanted what his brothers and sisters still had, wanted what his father had given the humans. If their father had wanted to forgive him, it would’ve been then or never. And he still hadn’t been forgiven for the Rebellion, let alone anything else.

“So what now?” Lucifer sighed, tucking his wings back in, hating himself for capitulating. “If not father, then who? Obviously not Mom, obviously not Maze, obviously not you… who else is left?”

“I’m not sure.” Amenadiel replied. “Maybe someone new? I don’t know, maybe it’s you.”

Lucifer cocked an eyebrow at his brother. “You really think I did this?”

“Well, no other Fallen have regrown their wings, let alone twice.” Amenadiel said, shrugging. “That’s why I wanted to look through your library.”

Lucifer frowned. “I don’t think it’ll be much help. None of my fallen, the ones who didn’t throw themselves at Father’s feet after the Rebellion, ever went through anything like this.”

“Well, it couldn’t hurt to look.” Amenadiel said, grabbing the bookbag Lucifer had used as a distraction the first time. “Besides, it’s not just the fallen we’re looking at here. You have some of our sister’s work here too.”

“Oh that.” Lucifer accepted the book his sister had written so many years ago, but yet, still had her essence on it. No one but an angel could sense it, which was how he found it. 

“A rather persistent group of humans, in the nineteen forties, got their hands on it after it had been lost for centuries. They didn’t even really know what it was, or the power it could potentially hold. Whether they wanted to burn it or use it I wasn’t sure, but I wasn’t going to let them. They’d caused enough destruction to beautiful things.”

Amenadiel badly hid a smile behind his hand. Lucifer rolled his eyes.

“Yes, if you’re done.” Lucifer growled. “Apparently, we have some research to do.”

* * *

Linda, as someone who had already processed Lucifer’s identity and had gotten used to his blasé way of talking about Heaven and Hell, had decided that they’d needed ice cream. Trixie was still asleep, so it was just the adults, sitting on the couch with three spoons and a gallon of Lucifer’s expensive sorbet. She’d decided since it was his fault that now all three of them were in on the secret, he could pay for some damn ice cream.

“So what happened when he told you?” Dan asked.

“Oh I froze. Couldn’t comprehend anything in front of me for hours.” Linda sighed. “I shut him out for days, Maze too. I almost completely shut down my practice. I mean, I told my replacement that it was because of a family emergency but honestly at this point, I wasn’t really lying. I know therapists aren’t supposed to get attached to their patients like this, but he and I have already done everything else wrong, why not just keep going at this point.”

“Do you think we knew?” Chloe asked. “Like subconsciously? Because we’re handling this a lot better than you did.”

“Perhaps.” Linda supposed. “But honestly, I think he’s right. There’s a difference between seeing the Devil face and the angel wings. Yes, you find out that these things exist, but it’s not like the King of Hell is staring at you with terrified eyes.”

“Terrified?” Chloe asked.

“That’s the emotion I picked up, anyway.” Linda sighed. “Once I was able to think about it without my brain wanting to explode. It was just after Uriel’s death, I forced his hand. I told him no more metaphors, no more biblical half-truths to get around the crux of the problem. I was worried for him, he’d told me that you were in danger, that his brother was dead, that _he’d_ killed him. I needed to figure out if Lucifer was a danger to himself or others, or if he was simply delusional. And the answer I got was that Lucifer had never been lying in the first place.”

“Isn’t that crazy?” Dan said, taking a good scoop of ice cream. “He never lies. Like, at all. Who can do that in this day and age?”

“Well, it’s easier for Lucifer.” Linda said. “It’s easy to tell the truth when everyone thinks you’re lying all the time. You can say practically whatever you want and people will write you off as crazy or a liar.”

“That’s what I did.” Dan said, stabbing his spoon into the sorbet with unusually excessive force. “I told myself he was a slut for attention, that he was a selfish and spoiled brat with too much money, born with a silver spoon in his mouth, who refused to care about how his actions affected others. I told myself that I’d never even consider liking him because he was constantly fawning over Chloe, that he could buy his way onto things I wanted, he kept mocking our job, and I hated him for it. And now look at me. I call him one of my best friends, I’ve talked him down from suicide, and I cannot imagine my life without him.”

“What happened with that, Dan?” Chloe asked. “You hated him for the longest time, and then it seemed like suddenly you didn’t.”

“Well, we had this big fight.” Dan admitted. “I honestly don’t remember too much, I got really angry for some reason, but we… talked. And then that night, just after I thought we were good, he… well, I found him at the bar. So things changed. They had to.”

Linda bit her lip. Lucifer had told her about what had happened during one of his sessions in the hospital. At the time, though, Lucifer had been more worried about how Dan was taking everything and if he was still having any aftereffects of the blade. It had taken her a while to reassure Lucifer that Dan was there because he wanted to be, not because he felt bad or because he was under the influence of a sword older than Earth

“Linda?” Chloe asked, her voice gentle. “What is it?”

“I think you should ask Lucifer about that fight you had, Dan.” She decided. “Now, with everything that’s happened, I really think you should ask him about it.”

Dan frowned. “What do you mean?”

“He told me about that fight during a session.” She admitted. “I may be a terrible therapist when it comes to Lucifer, but there are some rules I won’t break. He tells me some things in confidence that I won't tell, even if it’s just you. I’m sure he’ll tell you, but it shouldn’t come from me.”

Dan nodded solemnly. “How badly did I hurt him?”

She frowned.

“After the fight. I remember he had a cut on his shirt, he was bleeding. How badly did I hurt him?”

“As far as I know, you didn’t.” Linda said, doing her best to soothe the detective. “He didn’t tell me that you injured him in any serious way. Now, the better person to ask would be Lucifer, but as far as I know, and you know he never lies, he didn’t tell me. Nor did the hospital when they admitted him. Honestly, if he didn’t tell me, it probably wasn’t that bad.”

Dan’s shoulders slumped, and she saw the relief shine in his eyes.

“I’ll add it to the list.” Chloe muttered.

“List?”

“I’m making a list of all the questions I want to ask Lucifer.” Chloe said, as if surprised that they’d asked. “About himself, about Heaven, about… everything. And now about things he apparently glossed over because he was the Devil and we didn’t know.”

“How often do you think he’s done that?” Dan said.

Linda sighed. “Lucifer doesn’t lie outright, not unless it’s for a case, which he dislikes but catching the criminal and punishing them takes precedence. But after all these years, he’s gotten quite good at spinning the truth in his favor, which is often what he does. But lie to us about being in danger? That he’s never done. He’s too… too fond of us in order to risk our lives because we don’t know about his Devilishness. If he’s done it, it was for a very good reason.”

“I think that should be on the list too.” Chloe murmured. “I know he’s just trying to protect us, but we can’t help him if we don’t know what’s going on.”

“I don’t think Lucifer really wants our help.” Linda sighed. “Not in that way. He’s very used to doing things alone, or with Maze. Do we know when she’s coming back?”

Chloe shook her head.

“Okay, I’ll call her soon.” Linda said. “She usually answers my calls. But my point is Lucifer is overly self-reliant. Like any child of abuse is. They’re the only ones they know they can truly trust, and they don’t want to hurt others by burdening them with problems they’ve been made to feel are their fault.”

“It’s amazing how Lucifer is the Devil and he’s still so human at the same time.” Chloe muttered.

“He’s quite the conundrum.” Linda laughed. “But I’ve been treating him as if he’s a regular human for the most part, and I haven’t really missed a mark yet. I mean, he takes what I say too literally, or out of context, but many of my patients do that anyway because they don’t want to face the uncomfortable truth they realized they’ve reached. At least he does it because he doesn’t quite understand human emotions nor his own.”

“God, that explains so much.” Dan dragged a hand across his face. “He wasn’t being horrifically insensitive to everyone’s emotions, he just didn’t get them. Humanity must seem very repetitive to him. Holy shit, this is the conversation I’m having. I’m having a conversation about how humanity as a whole must seem very similar to an angel. And Devil.”

“Tell me about it.” Chloe sighed. “I live with a demon most of the time. A demon took our daughter trick-or-treating, I solve crimes with the Devil, and I'm gonna punch an angel in the face for lying to me.”

Linda cocked an eyebrow.

“Amenadiel lied to me.” Chloe said. “I knew something was up, I knew Jimmy had shot Lucifer six times, I saw it, and he made me doubt myself, doubt reality. And it was for nothing apparently, because we found out a little while later that I was right and Lucifer is literally the Devil! So yeah, I'm still a little mad.”

Linda sighed. “I understand. Amenadiel is a rather gifted liar.”

That piqued both of their interests.

“When I first met Amenadiel, he was pretending to be a new therapist in the building. I talked to him about Lucifer's case, and he advised me on it! He was trying to get Lucifer to return willingly to Hell, and was using me to do it until I found out he was lying. Whoo, I was mad. I found out later that Lucifer had made a deal with Amenadiel for a blank check, and he chose to redeem it by forcing Amenadiel to leave him in L.A. without a due date for returning to Hell. And neither of them could break their words and I got caught in the middle. He felt bad about that.”

“Which one?” Dan asked.

“Both of them really.” Linda said. “Lucifer was more angry at Amenadiel, but he did feel sorry for me that I got hurt in the process. Amenadiel felt bad for lying but obviously not enough to stop doing it so… well. It’s over now.”

“That’s seriously screwed up.”

“It is what it is.” Linda shrugged. “Honestly, I'm a bit more concerned right now with you two. And this whole thing.”

“I'll be alright.” Chloe said.

“I'll… become alright.” Dan admitted. “I have no idea why he didn’t kill me when I first started pissing him off. He could’ve drove me mad with all this, but he didn’t.”

“No, Dan.” Linda said. “He would never. Whether you two really hit it off immediately, he saw a human stronger than he expected, worthy of a friendship. Trust me, he's all about worth and worthiness and guilt and the weight of a soul. If I could just get him out of that mindset, I think he’d make great strides in battling his demons. Not literally, though. Obviously.”

* * *

“YOU DID WHAT?”

Lucifer flinched at the volume of Chloe’s scream. He hadn’t really quite meant to admit that this was now his third pair of wings but he’d flown home after fighting with Amenadiel. He was still angry though. angry at his father, angry at his brother for putting doubt into his mind, angry at Maze for disappearing, angry at practically everyone in his life. He hadn’t realized his humans were still awake, though, and he’d crashed into Chloe, nearly sending her to the floor. He’d been apologizing to her when it happened.

_“I’m so sorry, Detective, I didn’t mean to.”_

_“It’s alright, Lucifer. How’d you get here? I didn’t hear the Corvette.”_

_“Oh, I flew. At least this pair of wings is just as flexible as the others. Easy enough to fly. Just like riding a bike.”_

_“Others? Plural?”_

_“Ah, well, yes, plural.”_

_“What happened to the other ones?”_

_“I, um, Detective you must understand, this is a bit beyond your mortal comprehension-”_

“What happened to the other ones?”

_“I cut them off.”_

And now Linda and Dan were running to the sound of Chloe’s near scream.

“What’s going on?” Dan asked.

“Yes, Lucifer, what’s going on?” Chloe fumed. “Why don’t you fill them in?”

“Detective!” Lucifer protested.

“Lucifer, if this is about your wings-” Linda’s tone sent a warning.

Lucifer carefully but quickly unfurled his wings.

“They’re back, if you must know.” Lucifer muttered. His humans seemed to relax a bit at seeing them but he knew they wouldn’t be satisfied until they had an explanation. “I cut them off, yes, and then I collapsed again, and when I woke up, they were back. Just as pristine as they were back in Heaven so it didn’t even work. My brother refuses to let me try again to see if they stay gone, and he took Maze’s knife from me, so I came here to see if I could find the other one. She has two, but she must have the blasted thing on her!”

His humans stared at him in horror.

“Lucifer, you're not allowed to try again.” Chloe stated.

“I beg your pardon?” Lucifer growled, his hackles instinctively rising.

“You're not allowed to cut them off again, Lucifer.” Chloe said, using her Mom voice. “If it means I have to handcuff you to me, then I'll do it. You're not cutting them off again, Lucifer.”

Lucifer sighed. “Detective-”

“No!” Chloe near shouted. “These are attached to you! It hurt you to cut them off! I made a promise when I told your doctors that you could live here while you were recovering. I made a promise to them, and to myself. That I would do every single thing in my power to make sure you didn’t hurt yourself again. As long as you live with me, you're not cutting them off!”

“I’ll just move back to Lux then!” Lucifer shouted. “Linda said I wasn’t in immediate danger anymore. I'm sure I could use the change of scenery! That’s a human prescription, isn't it? Spending some time away from home.”

“Then I'll come with you!” Chloe snarled, stepping closer to him. “I'll follow you wherever you go.”

“Detective you are not my mother, nor are you my brother.” Lucifer snapped. “I have enough people who refuse to leave me alone and let me do as I want.”

“Lucifer, please-” Chloe’s voice broke, and he saw tears in her eyes.

“Please, man.” Dan said, nearly startling him. Dan’s voice was quiet, distraught, and Lucifer the hurt in Dan's eyes as well. “Don’t. At least until we figure out where they're coming from. I mean, would your dad really give them back twice?”

Lucifer sighed heavily. “Amenadiel is already convinced that it’s not father, I don’t need a repeat of that.”

“Please, Lucifer.” Chloe pleaded, and he hated that he'd made her this upset. “Just until we know what's going on. Then we can figure it out from there.’

Lucifer deflated, knowing his humans had won this round. Not when they looked at him like this, not when they fought so hard to keep him in one piece. “I'm not exactly the most patient creature my father ever created. But I suppose I can wait until we figure out what exactly is going on.”

“Okay, I have so many questions.” Chloe said, seemingly unable to contain herself any longer. “I'm still mad enough to keep you here by force, and you promised to talk.”

“Ask any question and the answer is yours.” Lucifer said, almost glad that the subject had changed.

“You said as your wings were back in Heaven.” Chloe said, always the clever one. “Were they different here? Or in Hell?”

Lucifer's eyes went wide and he bit back a curse. “Bloody Hell- yes. They changed after my fall, I had to glamour them to white. I couldn’t… couldn’t bare to see them like that. They burned just as I did when I Fell. Honestly, worse, because instinctively I tried to protect myself by wrapping myself up in my wings. It just meant that all of my feathers burned when I hit the lake of fire. They hurt to just look at so I glamoured them to white. It’s how I knew those weren’t my real wings at the auction, Detective. I could sense my glamour, could sense the Divinity I was using to hide them, and it was missing as soon as I saw them.”

Chloe went pale. “I'd… forgotten about that.”

“So they came back as if you'd never fell?” Linda asked. “And your body is back as if you haven’t Fallen as well?”

“Yes, Doctor, that’s the whole bloody problem.” Lucifer muttered.

“Excuse me, I have to write something down for our next session.” Linda said, going to her purse to grab a notebook.

Lucifer opened his mouth to stop her, but then stopped. He was sure Linda would talk to him about it later.

“What's Hell like?” Dan asked.

“Um, well, it’s personalized.” Lucifer said. “Each soul suffers differently, for the most part. It’s vast, almost unending, constantly covered in ash and soot, and it’s, well, it’s got a lot of doors. Technically speaking, none of them are locked, and any soul can exit at any time. They don’t because they're too wrapped up in their own guilt and pain, knowing the wrongs they’ve committed. Seen a lot of terrible preachers who spouted my father’s name to hurt people and I always make sure to give them an extra dose of punishment. It’s bad enough to use my father as an excuse for your actions, but to do things directly in conflict with what he's said, like loving thy neighbor, and pretending you're doing his work is so much worse. Like that fellow from Kansas, the one who protested the dead soldiers. He’s always fun if I need a good torment.”

“What about people like Stalin, Hitler?” Chloe asked. “Do they regret their actions?”

“Oh people like that?” Lucifer said. “Well, it’s rather complicated. To answer the question you're trying to ask, people who don’t regret their actions but clearly did things that were terribly wrong, whether it’s putting children in cages for daring to be from a different country or genocide, they do end up in Hell. Hell is a judgement of a soul, what a soul is worth at the end of the life however old that is. You don’t have to have led a good life, per say, but you have to be okay with yourself. I can guarantee that your great tyrants of the world are not up in Heaven. My brothers and sisters wouldn’t allow it. They send me souls who aren't capable of regret but still need to be punished.”

“Not Saint Peter?” Dan asked.

“Oh that rid- Absolutely not.” Lucifer groaned. “There are no keys to Heaven, that’s an entirely human concept. The Silver City isn’t locked either. Anyone could leave whenever they want, they just don’t. Heaven, to a human, is… well, Heaven. It’s perfect, a utopia, where you get everything your heart desires. Hell is where sinners are meant to reform, but no one’s ever broken out yet. Well, except Mom.”

“Your Mom broke out of Hell?” Dan asked, looking a little green around the gills. “Why was she in Hell?”

“Because of you all.” Lucifer replied. “Dad didn’t exactly like what Mom was doing to his precious project so he threw her in Hell. I sent Maze on her after that. What she deserved honestly.”

Chloe frowned. “Why?”

“I'd really rather not answer that, if you don’t mind.” Lucifer muttered, cursing himself once again. “Mom and I don’t… didn’t always have the best relationship.”

Chloe nodded. “What about your wings? How fast can you fly? Can you take us flying? Wait, don’t answer that, I'm still not sure I actually want to do it.”

Lucifer felt a chuckle pass his lips unexpectedly. “You wouldn’t even feel it if I did. I can fly rather quickly in human terms. Angels needed to fly fast and hard if we were to survive the battles my father sent us to fight. If it took us too long or sapped too much of our strength to get there, we wouldn’t be here to have this lovely conversation. In human terms, I could fly practically anywhere in what you would perceive to be an instant. I doubt you’d really even notice.”

Chloe nodded. “If I asked, would you take me somewhere?”

“Anywhere you like.” Lucifer shrugged. “Just name it and you're there.”

“Not now.” Chloe said. “But maybe the next time we’re pinned down by gunfire, instead of waiting for backup, we can just fly behind the guy and get them.”

Lucifer perked up at that. “You mean you still want me as your partner?”

“Lucifer, I have not gone through completely changing my entire thought process about the world to change something else of my own accord. I've dealt with enough life-changing revelations at the moment, I'm not adding to it myself.” Chloe said. “Besides, with you around, my close rate has seriously gone up and I don’t want to give that up either.”

“Well, I'll just have to start going back to work then.” Lucifer smiled at her levity. It almost felt like it was months ago, back when they were just solving crimes together, not discussing Heaven and Hell and their place in it all. “Wouldn’t want to uproot anything else.”

Chloe smiled back.

“How many siblings do you have?” Dan asked. “Are they all angels?”

“Well, there is the rather famous half-brother.” Lucifer said. “But yes, other than that, they're all angels. And honestly, I'm not entirely sure I have a number for my siblings. I know all of their names, of course, and how old they are in conjunction to the others, but let’s just go with too many to count. The Silver City is quite massive, and it needs a lot of bodies to keep it running smoothly.”

“Why?” Chloe asked.

“How many humans have lived on this planet?” Lucifer said.

“Billions.” Chloe replied.

“Try keeping billions of people happy with more and more being added each day.”

Chloe's eyes widened. “I see what you mean.”

“Don’t get me wrong, there's enough space.” Lucifer said. “No one will go to Hell because they ran out of room in Heaven. Not how it works.”

“So is it in another dimension?” Chloe asked. “Or is it metaphysical? Or is it really just above us and Hell down below?”

“The whole sinking to Hell and rising to Heaven is less about physicality and more about how you humans perceive a soul leaving it’s body.” Lucifer said. “Falling to Hell is more about your guilt weighing on you rather than Hell being underground, really. Both Heaven and Hell are technically real places but they exist on a different plane of existence. Heaven isn't above us nor is Hell below. They lie in the fifth dimension, to use a human phrase. There’s more than five but let’s not get into that before I break you all again.”

“You didn’t break us, Lucifer.” Chloe said. “Or at least it’s a fixable broken.”

Lucifer gave a shaky smile. “I am sorry, you know. I never meant for you to find out, especially not like this.”

“Why didn’t you tell us?” Chloe asked. “When you found out we were gonna stay in your life?”

Lucifer just raised an eyebrow. “I told you I was Lucifer Morningstar, the Devil himself. What else did you want me to say?”

“You could’ve shown us your Devil face then.” Chloe countered.

“Well excuse me, I happen to like you. I didn’t want you screaming at the sight of me.” Lucifer snapped. “My Devil face is not for the faint of heart, to put it mildly. And I wasn’t risking your health and sanity just so you took me a bit more seriously.”

“Did I hurt you?” Dan asked, his voice quiet and head bowed, surprising Lucifer.

“I'm afraid I don’t quite understand, Daniel.”

“During our fight.” Dan looked up at him with pained eyes. “You were bleeding after.”

“Oh that.” Lucifer sighed. “Not really. Not anything that wouldn’t heal just as soon as I got away from the Detective. I was more surprised that you had the strength to resist the pull of the blade. It shouldn’t have though, my mojo works on you but I have to try a bit harder, force it a bit more. Should’ve realized that it applied to angelic items across the board.”

Dan's relief was nearly palpable to the Devil.

“Speaking of, why doesn’t your mojo work on me?” Chloe asked. “It works on Dan.”

“No idea, darling.” Lucifer shrugged. “Absolutely none at all. I don’t know, Maze doesn’t know, my mother doesn’t know, and even Amenadiel doesn’t know and he's actually talked to my father this millennia.”

Chloe's shoulders slumped.

“I know that wasn’t the answer you were hoping for,” Lucifer said, “but when I do find an answer, I'll let you know. I give you my word.”

Chloe nodded, seemingly a bit more at peace with that unknown.

“Was that everything on your list?” Linda asked as she came back into the room, notepad still in hand.

“List?” Lucifer asked.

“Oh not even close.” Chloe said. “I'm three questions in, max.”

“List?” Lucifer repeated, trying to get them to answer.

“Chloe has made a list of all the questions she has for you.” Linda supplied, her voice trying to be helpful but her cheerful tone unsettled him. “Including all the things you've hidden from us over the years because we weren’t clued in to the Devil thing.”

He gulped. He was in for a very long night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, I think I really hate this chapter. I know what I wanna do and I know where I wanna go, but getting there is harder than I expected. Ah, it's alright. I'll figure it out. Rome wasn't built in a day, so I've heard.
> 
> Well, let me know what you thought. Sorry this took so long. This chapter was hard but I got it done!


	13. I Am So, So Very Sorry

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An explanation

Ummm, hey guys. I'm gonna delete this chapter in like maybe a week or something probably but I still need to talk to y'all. I had hoped that I wouldn't have to do this, had hoped that I could just find some time to just WRITE DAMMIT now that my job has been put into hellish limbo and I'm not working right now due to the pandemic (didn't have an essential job, can't work from home, job hasn't reopened since original closure)

I WOULD LIKE TO SAY THAT I AM STILL GETTING INCOME AND WON'T MISS RENT OR ANYTHING I AM FINE THERE DO NOT WORRY ABOUT THAT but well.....

I hate chapters like this- not when other people do them, I always respect each and everyone who has the courage to do this, as well as those who don't, but I had always thought I would never need to make one of these. I know my update schedule was 'lol wtf is a schedule' but I'm usually very good about finishing before taking this long, and then a few weeks turned into a few months and... This has gone on long enough with all of you wondering without me talking to you about everything. I see new kudos and hits all the time, and I have to put my own pride on hold for this. You all have been such wonderful fans, wonderful people, you've been so kind to me, and you deserve everything in the world.

THIS STORY HAS NOT BEEN ABANDONED. I WILL COME BACK TO IT I SWEAR TO YOU! If I'm being honest, probably when I watch season five after it comes out and I get just as obsessed with this show as I was when I first started it. But... well, it's been a hard year. An... extremely hard year for me. Learned a lot of harsh truths, found some new wonderful friends, still held onto the ones I had before, my mental health has taken about fifty nosedives and fifty peaks, and we're all still surviving a global pandemic. And even though I have the ability to just sit down and write, I can't. It's just not in me. There's too much going on for me to focus on something like writing. I've got a couple WIPS I was working on before the shutdown and I might take those first I might not, I don't know. My plans for the future, and what I was going to be doing in it, has completely changed and... I'm still lost. Things have changed in ways that I cannot keep up with (not necessarily in a bad way, but change is hard for someone like me, and not having a job to focus on has _not_ helped).

I am doing okay. I will be okay. Just because I struggle does not mean I will fall. I just need a bit of time to reevaluate my life. Fanfiction will always be a part of my life, and I will always come back to it, but right now, I've just got a lot of other things to think about. So if this means that's it for you, you don't wanna wait, then godspeed. I hope I've brought you some joy with this story and that's all I've ever wanted. If you do, then at least remember there _will_ come a time when you get another update from me with new content. I give you my word.

I'm really sorry, peeps. But at least now you know. I hope that that's at least some comfort to you. See you all as soon as I can. I love you.

**Author's Note:**

> So this is my attempt at Whumptober, I'll be posting as much as I can, under this series. Not all will be Lucifer but each story will be Whumptober. Some will.
> 
> If you liked it, let me know! Come find me at bloodyfeverdreams on tumblr! Leave a comment or come say hi! Whatever you're comfortable with!
> 
> I may continue this, I may not. Depends on if y'all want me to. So I'm leaving it open for more chapters but don't get your hopes up.


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